A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles,I really need some advice. My partner left me about 3 months ago, just suddenly ignored me then got nasty when I asked him why. I am still really upset because we were so close for the 6 yrs we were together, albeit we had ups and downs and we never lived together. He says we will never meet again but won't give a reason why. He says he has no other woman. Even now, nearly 4 months on, I am so upset and its affecting my health and my job and I;m up now at 4.30am unable to sleep.I gave it space and time and now I'm just wondering if I just go round to his place and insist on speaking to him. He told me if I went there he would ignore me and I would look stupid in front of the neighbours. He was verbally insulting to me after we split up. He got divorced before he met me and be blames his ex wife and now me, for all his problems (he has temper problems and can be verbally abusive but then on the other hand he can be loving and generous etc).I supported him through so many of his problems over the last 6.5 yrs and this really really hurts me. I don;t know what to do. I;m so upset and partly angry but mostly just hurt. Why would another human being treat someone so shabbily like this? It really breaks my heart. I really need to see him to speak to him. He told me whenever this happened with his ex she used to just insist on seeing him but I've taken a different approach of giving it some space but now I'm thinking maybe I should have done it like his ex and just gone straight to see him without arranging it first because doing it this way hasn't helped me it seems. I feel stuck and instead of getting over him I'm feeling worse and feeling more ill as well. What is the best way to approach this. Any advice would be welcomed. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): My guy also has a habit of talking about people in very negative terms as if they are all bad even his friends even me. A lot of friends he has lost in time because they see a pattern of using people that were kind to him and then lying and talking bad about them.
You see him as not all bad as I also see lots of unique and good things in mine. We do not have borderline! He can put you up on a pedestal for a time and then a switch does go off in him and you ate all bad. Problem is they start to devalue you treat you badly and still are with you. I hate you don't leave me is how they feel and behave. It's crazy making. I don't want to live like that. There is no cure for this if they would get help they can learn about what they do and have strategies to cope. It takes years .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Hello I am the original poster. THank you for your answers. The background is that we had split up on and off over the last year of our relationship and then we were meeting up having nice times together and he started telling me I was wonderful, by email and in cards and so on. He seemed so happy last time we met but because of his past behaviour things were no long on his terms as before. Then he seemed to just 'switch' it was literally like a switch went off. He has had big problems with his temper before and he says people generally dont really warm to him hence his lack of friends etc ... I did wonder about a borderline personality disorder because he is quite verbally abusive generally, to his ex wife, to me, or to other people not always to their face but the way he speaks about people. He also has a habit of blaming other people and never looking at his own part. People have said to me that he is insecure and childish and once person said he found him 'utterly detestable'. he is not all bad though! Obviously I love the good parts and I worry about him and have often wanted to help him etc etc etc.. Im sure you've heard this sort of story or similar stories from loads of people I guess. I also think my guy is really unusual and at times I do find him strange. Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): He lied about the house, it is a big three bedroom house that he lives in with his roommate and her daughter...but he lied because he said his roommate didn't want me to know where he lived because she did not want any drama, then he goes ahead and shows me where he lives a couple of weeks later.....He lies because he manipulates people....he probably told her I was crazy, he even told people that I was his roommate and obsessed with him....(what the f? This guy is my romantic partner of two years! We talked about maybe marrying when he got his finances straightened out and even working on a business together, etc, yeah roommate my ass!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Hi, I am going through the same thing as you are with some different twists and it has been three months almost since we split. I was only with my ex for two years and we lived together for the last 7 monhts. It was me who initiated the break up by asking him to move out because I couldn't take his emotional manipulation any longer and his lack of responsibility to himself and his own problems. He had a lot of legal issues and ex baby momma issues, some health issues, financial issues, and he got me involved in helping him with all of them and sometimes getting angry at me if they did not work out (mostly the baby mama issues never worked out)
We talked about it and we mutually agreed that it was not the right time to be living together but he did not want to break up at that time, looked for a new place, told me nothing was changing between us, he would still come over and spend the night and he would work on his issues away from my house and support himself financially in full (I let him live with me without contributing to rent and utilities to help him out, but my home is paid for) to put some balance back into our relationship.
Then he lied to me about where he was moving to and that he was living with an ex from 12 years ago who was just a friend and told me he would have me over later when he got things set up, it was a crummy one bedroom house and he was embarassed, he even made me feel sorry for him and I gave him some items to take with him.
Then he told me that he was thinking about never talking to me again, he wanted to break up, but he would still call me every day several times a day, he asked to see me a couple of times and drove me over to his house and I sat in the car while he went in to get something and then we went out....then all I got were phone calls and mind games and he would try to hurt me by not answering the phone or agreeing to see me or go out with friends and either not show or just not call. So I asked him to stop calling me all together that if he did not want a relationship with me then he did not get any of the benefits of being with me, my emotional support, advice, doing things for him, etc...he acted like we were still a team, still together. So after a month of no contact, he started up a relationship with another woman and has seen her to this day calling her his girlfriend after only a week, and they have their cute picture together on Facebook....that is when I started to feel the worst. He would still call occassionally and recently he told me he would call me on a certain day, he didn't, so I waited till the next day to call him on his day off and he ended up yelling at me and hanging up on me and then sending me a text to leave him alone....he made me feel like I had been stalking him and it had been 2 1/2 months since we broke up and I have only seen him briefly a few times and he calls me, I don't stop by, never have and insisted that he speak to me....
My point of telling you this story is that I believe he is angry at me, that I hurt his ego, that he wanted to get into a relationship and commit right away to prove to himself that he could do it, be in a relationship, so as not to have to answer any questions about me (we used to work together and have mutual friends/coworkers) and to keep himself from feeling a void in his life that I used to occupy. We were together a LOT every day!
I think he wants me to insist, he wants me to call so he gets me relaxed and feeling like it is OK, and then he turns it around on me so he can reject me, pay me back for hurting him and asking him to move out.
There is no closure because logic does not make feelings go away. You are going to miss him and it is going to suck, but what I tell myself is if he were sitting here in my living room today, I don't think I would want him, not the way our relationship was, I tried my best to work out our issues through communication, I don't think I did anything wrong, he on the other hand got emotionally abusive he wanted to just condem me and discount me and devalue me. And further when he was under stress he actually seemed psychotic, irrational things he was ranting about made no sense....he can't handle a serious relationship. However, we were the best of friends, we rarely fought, but when things got really intimate and really serious he sabatoged our relationship by dissappearing to the bar too often with friends, and alchohol made him angry when I did not like him coming home drunk like that so often....for God's sake the man is 37, not 27.
I also came to the conclusion that he has a personality disorder more than likely, he is hard to deal with in a relationship around issues, he is borderline personality disorder, which means he gets psychotic sometimes and refuses to deal with reality, he rewrites history, he makes things up he villifies me and thinks that I don't love him and that he is unlovable....constantly telling me I can do better than him and he is bad news. It is impossible to have a serious relationship with him, at least for me. Even though I love him very much and have very deep feelings for him, I know this logically.
My heart has just not caught up with my brain and it hurts like hell and I don't want to miss him, don't want to be jealous that he is with a girl who is pretty and rich and paying for all of his dates with her (some sob story he loves to tell his women, he is a master manipulator). I have very deep feelings for him, but I know this is not a healthy relationship, I have gotten hurt by being in this relationship with him while I was in it I got smaller while he sucked the life out of me.
I think your guy sounds a bit like mine. He has sucked the emotional life right out of you and left with you with a hole in your soul. The only thing that is going to fill it up is to stop going back and letting him hurt you again and again because that is what selfish insecure weak men do to the women who love them because they don't love themselves, they don't think you love them or you wouldn't have done x y or z and they are going to hurt you to keep themselves from taking ownership for any of their own problems and contribution to the relationship. They feel they have failed and their ego cannot handle it....
I have felt bad this evening missing my ex, it is always the worst when I am home alone at night and he is not here. Buy like I said the good times are supposed to be most of the time, not making you feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under you any minute.
I deserve a better relationship, I deserve a healthier man and I deserve to find myself again, the one I lost when I gave up myself to take care of him.....
And so do you.
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A
female
reader, Karlin24  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 As much as it hurts, this is one of those things you're going to have to go on and live your life, even if you don't get the answers you want. Some people don't give reasons, some don't even know themselves, but to wait for info you may never get is wasting your life. Tell yourself he either doesn't know what he wants, and if he does, it may not be you. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it means there may be something wrong with him. But the time you waste worrying about it, is time you could be spending with the person who is truly right for you that you may not see because you're hung up on him. I've waited for closure several times and when I got it, it didn't make anything better. The end result was still the same. I have wasted years being bitter and hurt, thinking somehow that connected me to the man I loved, that no longer loved me. All I did was waste years. Believe it or not, life will go on, and when you least expect it (if you're open to it) someone will come into your life that makes you not care about closure and reasons. That just makes you thank God it didn't work out, because if it had, you may have missed out on what you've found. You don't need him to provide closure, it's found in you. Make the choice, forget him, and move on. Noone can hurt you that you don't give permission. Take away his power on you, take it back, and start living.
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