A
female
age
36-40,
*hloe44
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years, and although I've suspected for quite a while now, I just found out that he has been cheating on me. We moved to a new city about a 2 years ago, and he immediately struck up a friendship with a girl he worked with, but at the time me told me that he was not interested in her, she was married, she wasn't his type anyway. And then she got a divorce - my boyfriend informed me it was because they didn't really have a relationship anymore, and she was sleeping with numerous men on the side anyway - and somehow, even though he swears up and down that it was just a coincidence, she moved into our apartment complex, conveniently into the exact same building.Well, it wasn't a few months later (this would be about a year ago) that he broke down and told me that he had made out with her. After alot of tears and talking, I forgave him, and urged him to get her to tell her new boyfriend what had happened. I thought we had weathered a storm and come out stronger, and it seemed that we were moving on, but several months later I began to be suspicious again. I confronted him, and he told me again that since he was with someone and she was with someone they were just friends. Over the last few months he's become protective of his phone, and he's been receiving regular emails from her. But the other night I logged into his email and my suspicions were confirmed. It seems that several months after he told me about their first affair, he had begun sleeping with her. I'm not sure what the worst part about this is - 1. He slept with her numerous times while I was at work, and admits that the reason he stopped sleeping with her is only because I got fired and I was at home all the time2. He slept with her without using a condom, and he gave me VD because besides sleeping with him and her boyfriend, she was sleeping with a third guy. He didn't tell me he had given me VD for at least 6 months because telling me I had VD would mean he would have to tell me where I got it3. This girl, who it has now been revealed was sleeping with at least 3 men at the time, is pregnant, and my boyfriend is convinced that it is his to the point where he is stealing money from our account to save up for a paternity test. The only problem I see with this is that he slept with her from around the first of March to the middle of May and she's due in the beginning of October.Well, to make a long story even longer, tonight I came home from my new job to find him curled up in bed. This girl sent him an email saying that she doesn't want to see him anymore, that she wants to be exclusively with her boyfriend and that she doesn't even want a paternity test - the baby is theirs and nothing will change their mind. He tells me that he's heartbroken, he loved her so much, and yes, of course he loves me too, but he loves her more and that he wanted to start a life with her.So, I guess my question for any of you who've made it this far is - what do I do? As much as I hate it, I still love the bastard. And I feel like he's gotten his just desserts for this whole debacle. But basically what he's telling me is that the life we've made for ourselves isn't what he wants, and it makes me wonder if it was just this girl he loved, or if he would try to impregnate any woman he met just to get away from it.I'm thinking that what I really want to do is stay in the relationship, and then go out and do the same thing to him. I want him to feel how I feel, and to understand what he did to me, and I even want him to think that I'm having his baby and then yank the rug out from under him and leave him. I think I'm just too shocked and tired to think about this rationally by myself, and would appreciate some unbiased input. I'm sorry to babble on like this, but this information is too painful and personal to tell anyone who knows me. I would appreciate any advice, or even any stories you have to tell to keep me company in my misery.
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affair, at work, condom, divorce, heartbroken, money, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Chloe44 +, writes (3 November 2010):
Chloe44 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just wanted to post an update! The baby isn't his, but it's not my problem anymore because I took some wise advice and moved on. We're just friends now, because I couldn't just cut ties after all we've been through from starting out as friends, but his pain causes me to feel more sympathy than hurt nowadays. I really do appreciate the advice, I think it did make me stronger. I'm still single but more aware of my value than I have been for a long time! Thank you so much!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): You're totally not babbling... this is absolutely a legitimate concern and problem. This guy is a total loser, and around year 7, relationships are anyway renegotiated, and this one seems to have run its course. When I read this, I just feel that you are so such a higher plane than he is - he has too many problems to even list. List his character traits - pros and cons - and see if this is someone you would even want to date, if you didn't know him? Imagine you were reading your quesiton as a third person - can you see things more objectively?
I also believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." Do you love HIM, or do you love the person YOU were when you were around him? Break up with the bastard, fall in love with yourself, look sexy as hell, and cut him OUT of your life. I swear there are other better, bigger, sexier fish in the pond - let him be, and find and be your best self. I don't think anyone would reach their highest potential surrounded by a class A loser/asshole like this. It's tough but so so worth it. Best of luck! Dump the cheat - you can't reconstruct what was there before the move, and he's a crying baby who will never be a real man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): Oh come on, leave him, be brave. i promise you won't die even though it will feel like that right now. i hate to see men doing that to women and then seeing women coping with all that. don't you think you deserve better??
furthermore, i will tell u a story of my own. my stupid sex had a double life. his wife with kids and a "relationship" with me. sure, it hurt a lot when i found out but i finally got the courage after more than a year to leave him. i cut off all communication with him and now he is begging me to come back. but even if he did divorce that women, even if he did change (which i doubt) there is NO WAY i would go back with him. i don't love him. i can't simply love someone who hurt me, especially if he hurt me that much. trust me on this one, you are better off without him. cut off all ties do not ever speak to him again as long as you live. do not let him convince you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): I'm sorry you've been hurt like this. I was in a similar situation. Stayed with the guy for a further year after finding out about his cheating-he broke down, wanted me back, blah blah. A year later, he cheated again. 8 wasted years-I was heartbroken for months. But now, 6 months on, I feel sooo much better. Everyone tells me I seem really happy, and I am because I am no longer always wondering what's going on behind my back and worrying about what I might find. It's a cliche, but you really do deserve better. He clearly has very little respect for you and your feelings, and thinks it's ok to betray your trust. I'd say be strong and show him it's not ok. It will be hard, but in time, you'll feel better and you'll look back and wonder why you gave so much of yourself to someone who treated you so badly. Be strong. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): You need to leave him. Once a cheat, always a cheat. He will never change his ways. Furthermore, two wrongs don't make a right. If you want to get back at him, the best way is to dump him and start a real relationship. Cheaters generally hate it when their "victims" move on and find happiness with someone new.
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