A
female
age
36-40,
*raemills
writes:It has been three months since my breakup of 2 1/2 years to my first boyfriend that i moved in with after 6 months. We are both 23. We had a decent relationship where we were inlove and talking about the future. He became cold and I became insecure about a year after living with each other and so I finally forced a talk with him and he admitted that he wasnt sure if he wanted to get married (he was the one who came up with us getting married in the first place...which was a little fast for me but I went with it blindly) I moved out and a week later he begged me back saying that I was the one and that he will try and do anything. We dated for another year and some change after that until 3 months ago.And upon reflection I can see how immature we were to move in with each other so quickly and to be so serious so fast, especially since he was my first everything. Since the breakup I have also seen how different we were and how I tried twice as hard in the relationship as he did. Anyways, about a year and a half into it he told me he and his ex were emailing because they ended on such a bad note and she was wanting to make amends with him because she heard that he and I were leaving to go work on farms in another country soon. I said that it was okay that he was doing that because I trusted him. But I did think it was weird how he had always got so angry when he talked about her or saw her and said such bad things about her and all of a sudden i heard this excitement in his voice when he told me. I knew his facebook password and I found myself snooping... but what I saw was a long string of conversations between them that started days before he asked me and she obviously was so much still inlove with him and sent him links for "their song" and he sent back a famous poem that reminded him of her and said things like, "you were the love of my life",,"you are the measuring stick for passion, love and romance" and "i remember the first time you walked into so and so's class...Shit I think about that moment all of the time"... and I was so sick to my stomach... I just felt that those were innapropriate things to say to an ex who still loved you and he didnt mention me like he said he did. right? I told him I read the email and he was soooo angry .. he said some horrible things to me and said i was completely in the wrong and he was going to meet her for coffee even though I said I didn't feel comfortable with that and he did .... He convinced me that I was wrong and insecure and I was so afraid of losing him that I stayed with him and began to resent him more and more over the year after until I finally broke up with him. when i brought up my anxiety i still had with him concerning how i thought he was still wrong with how he treated me he got so angry and it always ended with me feeling guilty and unheard...To this day he has never apologized for not trying to see my side or for how he handled the situation. I know he was bad for me but I can't stop thinking about how I was so uncared for by him and how he said those things to her and made her the priority in that situation, and just the simple fact that he saw how hurt i was so willing to try it his way and try to believe that he did everything 100 percent right and i was the one who was wrong and he didnt try to see my side or hurt at all. We didn't fight in the relationship besides short arguements about this. I was so passive abd pleasing and he had a bad temper and big ego. To be honest it makes me feel pathetic, weak, and stupid for letting that sort of thing happen to me standing up for myself. I treated him so well and loved him so much. He didn't care that that incident made me so much more insecure with him and miserable. It makes me wonder what I actually was to him! I just want to call him and chew him out for all of it again when I feel like this but I don't ofcourse. I am just wanting some advice on how to let this go and how to get to a point that when I think about it or him I dont feel so crazy and anxious. I couldn't take it anymore and found that I was losing myself and becoming depressed anxious around him and he became so negative and didn't really try in the relationship. During the breakup he said he didnt want to be with me but also kept saying he would never find anyone better than me but I would find better than him and that he worries about years later that I may find someone else and be unavailable. So it makes me think that he may come back later on for me. Do you think my brain is making me relive my agony with him like this so I don't settle for him again? Because regardless of this ... i do miss him and this breakup is making me ride a rollercoaster of feelings all of the time. Please give me any advice you can!!
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broke up, depressed, facebook, his ex, immature, insecure, moved in, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 October 2011):
Okay, so in all honesty what you're going through is normal. It's only been 3-months. You don't get over someone you love in that amount of time. I know it's painful right now, but you WILL get over it.
Just let him go--in another 3-months I can assure you that you will feel MUCH better and look back and think it was all ridiculous. Everyone has their own grieving time, but in my own experience, 6-months to a year and I'm okay.
People go through breakups every day, and it hurts. We're human and there's not much we can do about it. If you need to seek counseling do that if you feel that depressed and anxious. Whatever works for you, you should do. Don't ever go back to him, he essentially was cheating on you and tried to make it look like it was your fault. He knows your too good for him and you should too.
A
female
reader, Ifoundhim +, writes (10 October 2011):
Just let it go...If it's meant to be it'll be...Stop worrying about it, if he loves you he will come back.
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