A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupids,I'm 23 years olds and I have major issue showing my emotions..its not like I am expressionaless or anything you can tell when I'm happy,mad or sad..BUT when I'm mad,or angry I can never shout or scream..I hate it when people shout,or even talk in high note when they are angry,I'm the most non violent person you will come across..Now here is the thing! when I'm mad with my boyfriend, I don't shout at him,call him,scream..I just zone out,I'm just quiet. I just ignore him and don't talk. That's my way off handling ppl I'm mad at,I just don't talk to them..I'v always been like this since childhood I'v watched some of the home videos and I'm those quite kids you will see sitting in the couch watching the other kids act crazy!!I'v been the quite one..If my boyfriend needs to know why I'm mad he needs a lot of running after me to do,call me text me,cuz I just don't talk..is there a way I can be more expressive with what I feel??and when I'm mad and the person I'm mad at doesn't make an effort to talk to me, that drives me even more mad..lol.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): Why do you want to give to anger like everyone else? It isn't a matter of asserting yourself. You can do that without being aggressive, angry or pushy.People give in to anger so much these days, they don't know how to handle those negative passions. Why would you want to pile on to that by shouting and screaming?I understand that you want to communicate your anger. But don't let that emotion actually drive you and control you. Talk, don't shout. Breathe, don't steam.I also get quiet when others blow up in my face.I actually have found it very effective when they get so riled up and over the top and i sit there quietly until they run out of steam. For some people it bothers them that they can't get a rise out of you. and that's a good thing. You have a better control over your anger. you just lack the communicative skills to express it in a healthy and calm way.My advice, when someone gets angry with you and starts screaming, wait until they are done and have nothing more to say. while they go off on their rants, choose your words carefully in your head(be sure to tune back in once in a while to know where you stand in the argument) and then calmly say what's on your mind. Not only would you have spoken clearly about what pisses you off, you also wouldn't have given in to a temper tantrum.hope it helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): You're confusing the concept of expressing your anger, with communicating. Expressing and communicating are NOT the same thing.
Lots of people yell, scream, shout, rant, when they're angry. And yet they are NOT communicating anything at all. All they're doing is yelling, screaming, ranting etc. They're just "emoting", which is not the same thing as communicating. Nothing useful has been accomplished except the other person now knows you're mad at them (which you could have let them know without screaming at them) but also they're not mad back at you or defensive or scared of you to the point they don't want to be honest with you anymore. This is highly destructive to relationships. Also, you now become known as someone who is not reasonable, and thus people won't want to deal with you they'll try to avoid you or lie to you.
"Now here is the thing! when I'm mad with my boyfriend, I don't shout at him,call him,scream.."
And this is a GOOD THING....when people shout and scream at their partners, this is extremely damaging to the relationship. let me put it this way, I've been married 14 years, been with my husband for 18 years total. I've only ever shouted at him ONCE all this time. He's only ever shouted at me ONCE too. Some people think it's healthy to let out their emotions - it's not when it's done in an over-the-top manner routinely and aimed at another person. It's dumping all your negative energy and negative emotion on to the other person. How can that be healthy?? It just makes them resent and dislike you and think less of you secretly. It makes them want to avoid dealing with you. It also paints yourself as childish and unable to control yourself. People lose respect for you if you do this often (as in, every time you get mad, because life being what it is, you can't avoid getting mad at people unless you live in a bubble and never interact with anyone at all)
"I just zone out,I'm just quiet. I just ignore him and don't talk. That's my way off handling ppl I'm mad at,I just don't talk to them.."
OK, this is not good. This is called 'stonewalling.' It's jsut as bad as shouting and screaming at someone, just in the opposite way. But it also has just as bad negative effects on the other person because it is saying to them that they don't matter and you don't care about what's going on, or you're just going to sulk by yourself and they have to come running to you to appease you. It is better than screaming in the short term, because it's better to say nothing than to say hurtful things, but in the long term it destroys the relationship too because your partner cannot talk to you, and you cannot talk about what's bothering you, so nothing gets resolved and you fester in resentment. It's also passive aggressive and manipulating, or can be perceived as such.
The problem here is that you can see only 2 options for when you're angry: either scream and 'emote' all over the other person negatively, or else stonewall. Both are bad. Both are destructive to relationships.
The proper thing to do is to NOT scream or yell, and NOT to stonewall and ignore, but talk calmly and with non-insulting words. Don't shout at your bf, that's for sure a really bad thing to do. But don't clam up and stonewall him either. Instead, you need to express what you're feeling in soft, calm, rational words. You need to be able to say, in a calm soft voice and without using insults, "I'm angry at you because of...." this is how you communicate AND express yourself. You express yourself by choosing the words that accurately describe what you're feeling, not by 'acting out' the feeling itself.
This is very difficult to do. It takes a lot of self control and practice, which is why most people don't do it, they're too lazy to work on controlling themselves so they resort to either yelling and screaming, or stonewalling. And then they wonder why their relationships suck or their partners leave them.
if you're so angry you're unable to stop yourself either shouting/screaming or shutting down, it's perfectly OK to just say that you're too angry at the moment to deal with this in a constructive way and will come back later when you're calmer. But then you must come back to it later when you are calmer, don't just leave it hanging or that is another form of stonewalling.
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