A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on getting my confidence back with dating and men.Sorry I sound selfish but i recently was with a guy who ruined me. I met him a dating site which made me think he genuinly thought he wanted to meet someone.He was nice in the beginning and he always paid on dates.We had alot in common and got on or at least thats what I thought.He even told me he would like a baby and wouldnt leave me if I got pregnant. I even think he was trying to get me pregnant and was disapointed when I wasnt.He then started to say he wasnt over his ex and she had been bad to him and had put him of women.Hes one in alot of bad relaionships I feel like im not meant to.meet anyone only losers. I still see him around and its hard to move on when I thought he was a genuine guy. He even put the blame on me for relationship fail and has stopped talking to me.Please help.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 Your confidence shouldn't be shattered because you dated a guy who turned out to be ALL WRONG for you and a douche-canoe to boot. He didn't RUIN you. He RUINED a fantasy. HE was not the guy you though he was or the guy you wanted him to be... IT happens. You are not a mind reader.
Some people (men AND women) are on dating site NOT looking for a relationship or a partner. THEY are on it for ego boosts and some even to hook up. THEY KNOW that if they are HONEST on their profile (saying looking for casual sex) they MAY not find someone to mess around with, so they PAINT a pretty picture and hope they get a bite.
And sometimes people just turn out to NOT be a good fit.
My advice? DO NOT let one or even 5 bad attempts make you think there is no one out there for you. INSTEAD look back over those guy an the relationship you had with them and SEE if you can "catch" red flags. Maybe the guy wrote a lot about a great career, but once you got to know him he was actually unemployed. Or he talks about having kids, marriage the whole package BUT... he BARELY knows you. Or he tell you he LOVES you even before you met up. He needs a little loan can you help you?... There are MANY things that can pop up as red flags you may NOT have noticed. What "type" of guy were they ? Did they approach you or the other way around? Were they "aggressive" in pursuing you? They their words match their deeds?
When you MET someone, GO SLOW. I would say talking (if you are going through a dating site) for a month or so, THEN meeting up for a short lunch/coffee date, BEFORE you decide if you want to get to know them better. THEN (if you DO want to proceed) spend time together doing things together in public (no sex) I would say a good 3-4 months (ON TOP of the month) of chatting first before being intimate and I would talk EXCLUSIVITY before sex. (not 5 minutes before.. but during the "courting" phase. No SEXY texts or "crotch-shots" either.
Why do I say talk for 1+ month and then date for 3-4 months before sex? Because it will give you an IDEA of who he is, but the only way to really GET to know a person is spending time WITH them (not text or IM'ing or FACEBOOKING) IF a guy is SERIOUS about you, he will be OK with this wait. If he is just looking to hook up and hang out, he will probably not last.
People are generally on their BEST behavior the first 1-6 months of getting to know someone. Which is ALSO why waiting is a good idea. You might discover after 3 months that he is controlling, or has a crush on an ex, cheated on all his exes, does drugs or drinks heavily (whichever, something you don't like in a partner) and it will be EASIER to walk away before you have spend more time with him and before you have "bonded" over sex.
Let's face it, MANY MANY girls "bond" when they have sex. They become EMOTIONALLY invested in the guy. And maybe that is why they IGNORE warning bells and red flags. Because they feel they LOVE the guy.
YOU are meant to met guys who aren't dumb-asses or losers. You just haven't met him, YET.
As for you ex blaming you... WHO cares!? HE was a USER and no good for you. YOU already know you didn't MAKE him have feelings for his ex, nor did you MAKE him say and do the things he did. THAT is on him. No talking to him is a good thing. No more wasting time on him, OK? AND PRAISE the STARTS you didn't get knocked up with this loser! I hope that you keep being VERY careful with birth control, til you are READY to have a child.
Chin up, plenty of good guys out there.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 May 2014):
Relationships fail. It's just part of life. It's actually a great thing because if they didn't fail people would be even more miserable than they are now. It frees you to find a great guy. A GENUINELY great guy.
So, focus on the future. There are 3 billion other guys out there.
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