A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice with my menopausical mother. She is in that stage and I try not bother her and just please her and go along without arguing. Sometimes she does things that are hurtful, for example I have spent 3 days painting all the flower pots and making designs on them (by hand) because I'm helping her remodel the garden. Every little bit of time I did not spent at work or school, I spent it doing that. Today I came from work to finish she had painted white all the pots, erased what I had done and made another design herself. When I told her that was hurtful because I really put a lot into my designs she shrugged and said I was making a big deal out of it...am I??Would you guys be hurt by something like that? She pulls stunts like these all the time... it gets so hard because I'm tempted to say something, but even when I'm sad from work or just tired she gets mad. I feel like walking on eggshells, arguing and talking to her have NO effect, how can I help myself bite my tongue and ignore her? She keeps making nasty remarks about me, or putting me down or when I try to tell her a problem she always dismisses it or tells me it's my fault or whatever...she doesnt even want to listen. I know there is no way of changing her, how can I learn to bear with her attitude.... please help me... I live with her and I'm desperate...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): My mom is exactly the same way! I don't know how to help you just wanted to let u know there's more people suffering from abusive older mom. I don't live with my mom but she will call me just to abuse or demean everything about me. If it is menopause, holy cow.. i think with my mom it was always like that it just got worse when she stopped having all of the control over my life. I think it does have a lot to do with control. Unfortunatley me and my mother are at the point where i avoid her like the plague and cannot stand to hear her voice. I wish they could realize how much they are hurting people by acting this way...
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 August 2011):
 Ask your Mom how long since she had a full medical with a long visit to the Doctor. First off she will probably resist this. Be prepared for the Volcanic flow of Lava.
Practice your delivery. Be assertive and not defensive.
"Mom, I've noticed that some days can be more difficult for you than others, and Mom I'm worried about you. How long since you had a full medical at the Doctors? I'm not asking you to tell me, instead Mom I'm asking you to think about that question. And to think about whether you've been caring enough about you?"
And at that point offer to get her a coffee, suggest a walk, bring her groceries in from the car.
If she starts to get defensive tell her that you are not there to debate your remarks to her. You only ask that she ponder your questions, at her leisure, in private.
And remind her that you are there to spend time with her. But her health is her problem, and something she has to decide, first alone and then in consutation with her Doctor.
That as a daughter you can only suggest she ponder the question. But you are not qualified to say more than suggest she think about it in private, at her leisure.
Just keep the broken record up.
If she becomes verbally abusive, just stand up and quietly leave the room without a single word. Starve your Mom of attention when she is being negative. And engage her in conversation when she he not being abusive, overly critial, carping, petty, unkind and hurtful.
I also think she is desperate for CONTROL. So she seeks to manipulate situations and show you who is the boss. while she is so easily threatened then humor her. Instead of you taking the initiative (good as that is, and you know you are fully capable of using your initiative) so that when you are with her you ask, seek her opinion, ask for her direction, even on things you know.
Thus:
"Mom which casserole dish do you think is the right one for the oven?"
"Mom which jacket do you think might be best, this one or this other one" (make sure they are both jackets you want to wear that day.
By doing this you are not losing the initiative. You are controlling the direction. But you are making Mom feel needed and wanted and asking for her opinion. or her advice. Doing this may lessen Mom's anxiety.
If you can prep the Doctor in advance of the things about Mom that are worrying you then this might be a good set of clues for the Doctor to look out for.
Good luck with this.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 August 2011):
 Perhaps it would be best if you could put distance between you and your Mother.... both figuratively (emotionally) and literally (get another address).....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2011):
 Do you have to live with her? Is your Dad around? Do you have any brothers or sisters?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mom is going through it too. She doesnt listen, yells, cries, gets very mad very fast. Its exhausting. I just stay out of her way. It avoids conflict, otherwise we'd be fighting all the time.
Bring your mom some little gifts every now and then, tell her some updates of your life, but be careful and when you sense a storm brewing, leave and wait till its over
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): First thing yes I would be hurt too about the flower pots! That was plain mean of her - if she hadn't liked what you painted (ie wanted a different kind of 'look' or colour scheme for her garden, then she should've discussed it with you and you could've done it the way she wanted. Second if you want to carry on living with her, then yes, you need to learn how to deal with this. Is her behaviour or attitude towards you now any different from when she wasn't menopausal? In other words, was she an 'ordinary' mother who loved you and treated you as if she did, and even when you argued or had fights, you still knew deep down she loved you and after you both had cooled down, you'd be back to being 'normal' and friends to each other?? If so, then try asking her to sit down with you for a real heart-to-heart chat, and tell her how different she has become since menopause. If she doesn't want to see the doctor for help with mood swings etc, then she has to learn the signs when her hormones are playing up, and step back from being mean. Believe me, even in menopause, you can feel and hear yourself being this total bitch, and usually if your family say whoa, this is over the top, take a few deep breaths, or if they all scatter and leave you alone, then you take the hint and try to calm down and control it! Good luck with this, it won't last for ever!
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A
male
reader, aebniala  +, writes (31 August 2011):
Ask before you help her. Maybe she does not need help. Inquirer more before doing. Beside one day you will get there. Ask her ,what advice you could give your children to help you pass trou it. Get her feeling on it.
My wife when trought it with a brease. Depends on each person. Maybe something else is bothering her and she just appens to be menopaused.
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