A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please help me to cope with my elderly mother who is now living with us.She is very weak and sickly and I worry about everything that happens, I cannot separate my anxiety from reality and now find that I am losing my temper and yelling at my husbanc and even at her. She has had a very poor appetite , lost a lot of weight and just started to eat and gain back weight, Now today she is refusing to eat again stating that she lost her appetite even though she is on medication for appetite. I feel guilty because I did lose my temper with her yesterday and feel that this may have caused a setback. I did make an appointment to see a therapist but it is not until next week, Please help if you have any advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sam23  +, writes (17 February 2007):
Hi,
It sounds like you are feeling very stressed and anxious at the moment because you are trying hard to support your mother who is elderly and needs care. You begin your question with the words "please help" - how would you liked to be helped? Is it that you literally want someone to help you take care of your mother or do you need emotional support? Once you have defined what you need, you will be able to find it much easier.
You describe not being able separate anxiety from reality, this sounds like a very difficult place to be emotionally. It seems like you are feeling torn between your mother and your husband and find yourself becoming short tempered at both. It also sounds like you are living on short-term goals like getting your mother to eat, suggesting you are afraid of the long-term implications of taking care of your mother. What do you see the future being like?
As our parents get older they become more childlike, dependent and perhaps a burden. Some people want to look after their parents, others don't. There's no right or wrong answer in this situation. But it does sound like you are looking after your mother due to a sense of duty, which feeds into your sense of guilt when you do not meet the rosy care that you would like to provide.
It sounds like the underlying issue is death - how do you feel about your mother possibly becoming too weak to live? Does it scare you? Or do you feel relieved at the thought?
You truly sound like a loving, caring person who values family in a selfless way.
Good Luck!
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