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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there,I hope someone can help as I'm going crazy.I moved to the us to be with my boyfriend but it was too much too soon and I was defensive while he became distant and panicked. he tried to talk to me and I moved out really upset. He let me go and said we would just see what happened. He also said he didn't think he was ready to have a functional relationship because I was great etc and he still hadn't made it work.Anyway he never stopped calling and making excuses to see me.Eventually he started coming round my new house more often and he was always so very flirty with me.One night we ended up in bed. he came round just to hang out for the next couple of days then stopped calling. I did not call him.Then he started calling again. Next time I saw him I said i couldn't continue like this unless we were going to make something of it, otherwise this 'grey area' was too confusing. He was affectionate to me then but didn't say anything. he takes a long time to make decisions and is shy of putting his feelings out there.I called the next day and he never returned my call.Then about two weeks later he came round the house to 'talk to me'.My roommate forgot to tell me until a week later, during which time I missed his 30th birthday cos I thought i shouldnn't call him again.Now I know he came round to see me, but he didn't call and hasn't called since (it's been two weeks since he was here).Is it Ok to call him or should I wait (like my friends say) for him to call me opr come round again?I'm also so afraid of what he might say to me. This whole thing has been very hurtful and it's driving me crazy. I miss him!Sorry this is so long. Thank you for listening. x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 December 2005):
 This guy just isn't ready for a relationship. Not with you, not with anybody. If you stick around and try to "make" this work because of a fantasy that you have about what you'd like to have happen, you're in for more disappointments and heartache.
Let's recap. You moved - internationally - to be with him and immediately he started backing away. You both felt the tension. You moved out, hurt. He didn't try to convince you to stay. He told you he was at fault. He called, he came around a lot, he slept with you... then he disappeared. After a while, he called again, he came around a lot again...
Are you starting to see the same pattern I'm seeing?
If you had to fill in the next two blanks in this process, would you also be guessing "he slept with you again" and "he disappeared again"?
This man is all over the map. He seems to want to have you as a friend-with-benefits, but NOT as a girlfriend. But it seems he can't even come to a decision about no-strings sex without leaving you hanging every time, waiting for him to tell you where you stand. Aren't you getting tired of that yet?
I'm sorry hon. This guy isn't the man you wanted him to be. I strongly suggest that you let him know that you're going back to your home to think about whether you can actually have a relationship with someone who's so hesitant and iffy about the whole prospect.
Then do it. And try to step away from what you *wished* had happened with this man, focusing on the events as if they belonged to someone else. Rerun everything as if your best friend was telling you about something that happened to her. When you do, you'll see that you're being played and used (albeit not intentionally) by a guy who just does not know what he wants. Whatever it is, it's clear to me that he isn't ready for a girlfriend.
You deserve better than hanging on in a foreign country, wondering where you stand with him. I hope that you see that.
Take care.
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