A
female
age
41-50,
*unsetstrip
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and we live together. He is a great guy, don't get me wrong, very generous, loving, affectionate, and kind. There is however, and I've noticed this more lately, a very selfish side to him. He's an airline pilot too, which incidentally, keeps him away from home every week for at least 4 days at a time. Lately I feel like he has been blowing me off, in order to spend time doing his stuff, calling his friends, spending more of his lunch breaks and dinners with crew members than with me. At least when he could easily call me on the phone to check in with me. He even has been talking more in terms of "I" than "We." Just the other day, after we had friends over for a BBQ, he said to me "Is my lifestyle wearing you down?." I thought that was a very odd question to ask, considering my lifestyle is now his lifestyle, we are living together as a couple. (Just to mention too, he is very much into this single lifestyle and doesn't have nor want kids). He is almost 20 years older than me. I feel lately too that he always reminisces when we are together about his past vacations, times with friends, old parties, and I feel left out because I wasn't there. I know it seems weird but that's how I feel. :(Even on the phone when he calls me lately, it's all about him and very few questions about myself. Sometimes he is even so quiet on the phone that I wonder what is the point in having a conversation!I guess I've been feeling out of sorts with all of this. I moved out of state to be with him, lost contact with many friends/family members, simply go to work and come back to the house, where I keep myself busy with chores, errands, and the occasional tv show. It feels very isolating, especially when he's away and I'm here by myself. I'm trying to find a way to get myself back into the real world and start up a new hobby or something just to fill the void. I feel like I'm already too wrapped up in him/dependent on him.This, in addition to his increasingly selfish behavior, makes it quite depressing, even though I love him dearly and want to make the relationship work.Anyone have any advice? Thank you for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Dear Sunsetstrip,
Sorry to hear that you're not enjoying a honeymoon period with this guy. 12 months of dating and you've moved in with him already.I realize there is no set guidelines as when someone moves in with a boyfriend, but having read your question, twice now, I feel may be if you dated him for at least another six months before moving in with him, you may have found out what you needed to know.
Ok, some questions for you, if he is twenty years older than you, that must make him 50-55, so what was it you felt you had in common with such an age gap for a LONG-Term relationship? I'm not expecting an answer, this is merely an exercise to get you to stand back and perhaps think about what made you move a complete state for a guy, one, you hardly know, as it appears he's away four days a week, and two, for a guy who evidently hasn't ever been married, nor wants children.
I'm presuming you do want the status quo, marriage and a family. It is always easier for the onlooker to give advice as they are not emotionally involved, but for me, a man who enjoys so much single time, is very much the single man, whether he lives with anyone or not. Guys who have not married and had children is because they want it that way.
Men after a certain amount of time of living alone out of choice, enjoy their own space, and find it more difficult to share personal space and time, than a guy who has been married before. You have will have to try and talk to him about these issues that worry you, and wisdom is a wonderful thing in hindsight - but ALL this should have been done from a distance. By which I mean, when you were dating, you living in your own home with friends and family around you. Which is what dating is about, you find out all this stuff before committing.
Before moving in together, it is wise to find out IF you have the same vision for the future - marriage, babies, do you have enough in common, background, type of friends to how you believe finances should be split.
From what I read, I would say this guy is someone who likes the single life, and perhaps over the last 10-15 years he may have lived with females, but rarely have the unions lasted much beyond a couple of years, as ultimately he prefers a more self-singular way of life. No problem with that, providing he remains living alone.
I think you should stop thinking about filling a void because he's not around as much as you would like - as that is not healthy for you. What did you do before moving in with him - was your life full and satisfying, or did you jump to move in with this guy as you thought it would be a step towards what I think you probably would like - a regular guy, a guy in-love with you, who can't wait to get home to you, do loads of stuff together, talk of babies for the future, security, talking of an US, WE instead of an I, and lastly a guy NEAR your own age who wants all this.
I feel sad for you, as you obviously do love him - but love alone does not conquer all, it needs two people with same goals, as relationships are hard enough when two people want the same things. You cannot do more than try to talk to him about how you feel and hope that he will meet you half way and want to try to improve things between you. Some how, my instinct is that he won't change his ways, you will either have to go along with his way of life as he's always enjoyed it, or seriously think about moving on. Few people change their ways, and at 50-55, even less likely.
Talking is the best way forward, but you will have to instigate this, as I suspect he is happy with the way things are. By all means give it your best shot, try to work things out, but never give your time away to someone who doesn't treat it with respect and care. If you want children, and he doesn't, you will have to decide what is more important.
Remember, it's ok if we waste our own time, but never let anyone else do it....
I really hope you can work something out. Good luck!
Jilly x
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2010):
 This one's easy. You should get your own separate life with your own separate friends and your own separate hobbies. This guy cares about you, but he is set in his ways. He's 20 years older than you, so he's used to his own established life. You shouldn't wait around for him to give you your life. Living together doesn't mean that all of a sudden, you do everything together.
He's not exactly being more "selfish", he's getting more used to you and you're becoming more part of his life. He can't read your mind either. Just tell him what you want - make some dates with him and take him on some adventures. And don't feel threatened by his reminiscing about his past fun. Just smile that special smile and tell him "you ain't seen nothing yet!"
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A
female
reader, na202  +, writes (2 June 2010):
Dear Sunsetstrip,
This guy is 20 years older than you and has no kids and is not planning in having them. Seeing you in his house and the sacrifice you have taken to be with him has made him realize he may not be ready to commit or even start a family with you. Try and talk to him about both your expectations on moving in with him to make sure you are on the same page. If you are not then he may just be wasting your time. I hope all works out well for you.
All the best
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A
female
reader, LovePrevails  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Hey,
Well my personal advice is; No man should make you feel that way. Ask yourself, do you really love him? You sacrivised so much for this man, what has he done for you? You cant live an isolated life with no friends or family working for a man you dont even love. He clearly doesnt think much of you or he wouldnt be making you feel this way. You can try dissmiss how you feel by backing him up, saying he's kind ect. But eventually, when your there alone ten years later your gonna wish you got out while you had the chance. Dont give up on love it will come again, but the love your feeling now isnt it. I hope I've helped you in some small way/ x
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