A
female
age
51-59,
*tephanieb
writes:Hi,I have been married for almost 9 years, actually our anniversary is june 9, I can relate to almost all of the women on this site, I have been having major problems within my marriage for years now, besides fighting with each other (mostly over finances) I feel like I am in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. We have 3 beautiful children, and the stress of that alone is enough to test anyone's marriage.. We opted not to have anymore children, we both thought 3 was enough, Our sex life started to dwindle after my daughter was born, I started to feel like he never wanted me (sexually) So I did confront him with that, and he said he was afraid of me getting pregnant, I too was also scared of that too..But it didn't deter me from still wanting my husband, Needing him. Then he decided to go and get the procedure done a (Vasectomy) He told me once he healed to watch out, 'cause it would be a sex fest. Well needless to say, I was definitely looking forward to that. :) Now I did figure he would need time to heal, So I gave him time...Well needless to say I am still waiting on my sex-fest. I know stress has been a factor you know money, kids ect. life in general. But he never wants to have it. Even when I try to look my best fishing for any little compliment, (Oh honey you look so nice, smell so good whatever) I get nothing, I feel like he doesn't even want to touch me anymore, be it sitting on the sofa watching tv, a light caress, an open mouth kiss,anything? I mean I did have 3 kids, I am not overweight at all, But my self esteem is in the crapper lately, He never wants to talk, he says whenever we talk it turns into an argument, Communication is one of our biggest problems, I am afraid to even say anything to him, about anything because I might say the wrong thing and he will once again be mad at me, he recently left me 2 days ago actually he was ready to leave me forever (Divorce), he's coming home today, after we talked a bit he said we need to get our priorities straight both financially and love..He told me during the heat of an argument on the phone when he was gone, he felt like I take advantage of him, How? I really don't understand what he meant by that, All I ever wanted from him was a soulmate, a lover, a best friend.. I am a woman and I need sex, some kind of companionship, love, the feeling of being needed, wanted, the last time we had sex it was a month or two ago, I don't even remember exactly, But I do remember I initiated it, He never does, Men usually do the initiating I thought? I don't mind once in a while making the first move, but I shouldn't have to all the time. I feel so lonely, even when he is here, I am alone, I feel so unloved, unwelcome, unwanted, unsexy, hated, I miss him, and what we had, I wish he felt the way he did when we first met, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, there was always sooooo much passion, I know the honeymoon phase is over, I get that... 9 years is a long time, I just want to be noticed, wanted, I want that strong man, That shoulder to cry on when needed, I have never in my entire life have been with a guy who didn't want me, who when I went to bed at night with them couldn't keep there hands off me, I think it would actually be kinda nice to be like "Not tonight honey" but I don't ever see that happening, He has a good job, works hard, he is a detective so he works 10 hour days, and I know he is tired and wants to unwind, I get that..But when he comes home, it usually flies like this, dinner, the baby goes to bed, my other 2 kids scatter and go do their own thing, maybe a little tv and then he goes on his play-station every night, for hours on end, we never go to bed together because he is always playing that damn thing, even on his days off he plays it for hours, I feel like I am an intruder if I suggest doing something with him, I feel like I am taking away from his precious play-station time, All I want is for him to make some time for me, surprise me with a little kiss and a wink wink, lets go upstairs.. I am sooooo sad all the time, I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't want him to leave, I still love him like crazy, But I just need him...I don't know what is going on with him lately, he is very distant with me, He barely speaks to me at all, I don't know what to think, anyone I talk to says, most likely he is seeing someone else because if he is not getting it at home he is getting it somewhere else, They have even said he may be gay? I brought that up to him and he gets very defensive and denies it, then gets mad at me for even suggesting it. I just don't know what to think anymore, Why doesn't he want me? I straight up asked him that, I said affair, homosexual, or do you just find me repulsive, He says it's money, or the kids..Any advice would be greatly appreciated I am at a total loss, My heart is broken, and I feel soooooo alone I have felt so alone for such a long time. I just wish he would open up to me, and show me he still loves me or just let me go if he doesn't anymore, it is torture not knowing.:( Sorry for the long post but I just needed to get it out.....
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affair, anniversary, best friend, money, overweight, self esteem, sex life, soulmate, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 June 2010):
 I don't think he's cheating, if it makes you feel better. A cheater wouldn't be sitting around playing with is Playstation for hours like you are saying. Not that it's any better. In fact, it's probably almost as bad as cheating because he's giving his love and attention elsewhere.
His priorities have changed, and not in a good way. Money can be such a burden in a relationship, add children and a job and it can be worse. I suggest a marriage counsellor but I highly doubt he thinks he's at fault and doubt he would want to do it. But if he truly loves you deep down, and feels the only issues are money and the kids and not something else... then he should be man enough to agree to trying to fix your marriage.
Unfortunately there is only so much you can do at this point.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Maybe you can find some kind of activity you can do to keep your mind busy and stop thinking on if he is cheating.
He might be stress from work and have the burden of mortgage, car payment, bills, childcare, and the list could go on and on. He might find the play station as a method to release his stress. Poster I would urge you not to listen to what people are telling you unless they actually saw him or have proof.
I feel as a women you would have a vibe if he is cheating and I really hope he is not. If you don't have that feeling than don't loose your trust. Is he always home, Is he where he says he will be, do you see him spend money and he can't explain to you on what he spend it on, does he get weird calls and text at odd hours of the night....What I'm doing here is making you think on probable reason of him cheating. Don't listen to what people say, look at his behavioral. It might be that he is stress.
Try talking to him but don't accuse him of cheating or being a homosexual since this is going to put him in the defensive end. Tell him how you feel without pointing fingers. Tell him how hurt you are by his behavior. I hope I was able to help and I really hope he is not cheating.
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