A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my bf for 5 months. He is 31 and I'm 30. I am his first gf. We have lived together for the last 4 months. I know we rushed and moved in too soon. During this time he lost his job and i only work part time... So we ended up spending all our days together... I know toxic for the relationship. We've had alot of conversations and decided I move out for the sake of our relationship. He is lost and doesn't know if his feelings for me are as strong. We are now dating once a week. He's told me the flame is still there but not the spark. He wants our relationship to work or at least try instead of just giving up. There was something at the beginning and he wants to see if we can find it again. Now I'm really heaetbroken about this and i don't want to lose him. He needs his space and i respect that. But how do i bring back that spark or bring him back to me. I miss him terribly. I feel like we took a huge step back. What do i do to make things right and not ruin my chances with him? Thanks in advance for your help and advice.
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lost his job, moved in, moved out, spark Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Give yourself some time and don't panic! Your relationship is not doomed.
Your boyfriend is going through a very traumatic time in his life. For men especially, losing one's job can be very traumatic. Men often define themselves by their job status and how much money they make. When that ego boost isn't there they can get down upon themselves and that ultimately carries over into their relationships. The stress of looking for a job and wanting to be a provider can undermine many couples.
All you can do in your situation is to keep the relationship alive. Plan dates and activities. Just because you've moved out it doesn't preclude you from making romantic gestures. Sure your relationship took a step backwards but some of that is due to life's changes. If you aren't happy with one date a week, try to work in a walk in the park or other activities where you can simply spend some time together -- for cheap.
Finally, give your boyfriend a chance to reignite the spark and be supportive of him as he goes through this turbulent time in his life. Hopefully he'll find employment soon and that boost will carry over to your love life.
Eddie
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 March 2013):
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a true a statement as any. Give him the space he wants but be sure to make the moments you have count.
The reason moving in so quickly is a bad idea is for one reason only: living with someone can be difficult and mundane. You need a little bit of history, not only to make sure you're compatible, but to create more of a bond.
It may be that you guys just aren't right for each other and moving in fast tracked a break up. But if not you guys can recover from this just fine. I'd wait for another year or more before moving in again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Yes, you two did move in together WAY to soon, I would say 6-12 months of dating is WAY more appropriate.
Going from being together 24/7 to once a week is a huge red flag, that seems to me he is only holding on to you til he finds "greener grass".
Is he working again? If not, maybe that is part of why he is a little "off" right now.
And I don't think being together 24/7 is necessarily toxic. I mean many couples spend a LOT of time together and they work JUST fine. The thing is to TAKE time for yourself and let him do that too. People can still do that and live together. Sometimes you just get to know the partner better then you "want" to.
I would back off a bit and see if he is the one initiating, if not then maybe he is kind over the relationship already? That is a possibility.
Sorry, I don't think there is a "fix" for this. Either he wants to date you or he really doesn't.
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