| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm so torn, do people change or is it a case of a leopard never changes it's spots?Basically about 5 years ago I met this man through friends, we had a lot of friends in common and always seemed to be at the same events. I had a boyfriend though and although we often spoke and had a laugh, we were nothing more than friends.3 years on and my partner and I split and this man then told me he had feelings for me and had done for a long time but wouldn't have dreamt of telling me as I was with someone else. I told him I didn't see him as more than a friend, so sorry but that's all it would be. We continued to see each other as friends but over the next 6 months or so I did start to see him in a different light. I'd always thought how great he was - he was polite, respectful etc and from us being friends id learnt a lot about him, things that I would definitely look for in a partner, but suddenly I was feeling attracted to him as well.Needless to say we got into a relationship and the first 6 months were fantastic. He told me how he'd wanted me since the day we met but didn't want to say anything but had waited for me for over 3 years because he thought I was worth the wait. He made me so happy.However, after about 6 months things went very sour. He lost his job and started to sponge off of me, he was disrespectful in that he would leave my house a mess, he started talking to another woman online.. Many things. After 8 months of constant ups and downs I decided it was best to end the relationship. The man I had thought id known so well was in fact nothing like id thought.We have now been apart for a month and I miss the old him terribly. He messages me or calls me every day and begs for forgiveness and says he knows how stupid he's been. When he's speaking to me like that and sending me these lovely messages it reminds me all over again of how I fell for him and how our little romance began and I love it! I want him to be like that all the time but I know he can't be. I'm so torn, I hate being without him but I need the old him back :(
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 July 2014):
 You need to get the notion of "old him" out of your head once and for all. When you two were just friends and starting out, you didn't know him on the intimate level that you did when you two started getting closer.
He made some decisions that you cannot give yourself the luxury of overlooking...ever. You saw him for what he really is. His external circumstances didn't mess him up. How he reacted was not cool. He lost his job, and he had many decisions he could have made, but he chose to take advantage of you and your relationship to financially sponge off of you. Add to that the fact that he showed little respect for your house while he was there (it takes nothing to clean up after yourself) makes me wonder if his own house was nasty as well. That wasn't caused by the job loss either.
And most certainly, his cheating on you at least emotionally with another woman online should be a huge dealbreaker. Only 6 months in, he's already cheating on you, profaning your relationship and showing that all of his flowery words are worthless compared to his actions under pressure.
You are seeing him for what he is. Do not fall victim to selective amnesia and nostalgia and give him a pass, because the things he did and the decisions he made were in him to make from the start. It took some hardship to reveal that he isn't a keeper, and no flowery or regretful words will ever erase that fact.
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 Hi,
Its rare for men to change. Very rare.
You say you miss the old him but in reality you miss the version of him that you got to see before you started dating. When you were just friends you didn't get too close emotionally, you didn't see him behind closed doors or get to see his bad habits and lack of ability to hold down a steady relationship. So I don't think he actually changed, but rather you were not seeing the real him before you got together and the "honey moon" period when both of you were on your best behaviour wore off.
At present you are lonely and miss the early part of the relationship when you were oblivious to his bad ways. You are also loving the attention of the gifts, him begging for forgiveness, etc.
Its up to you if you want to give him another go, but there sounds a lot of issues to over come. Is he really going to stop scrounging money, stop talking to other women, keep the house tidy, etc? I doubt it.
You miss the fairy tale of the early part of the relationship, the back story, the fact he waited for you, but that's not the reality of actually being with him long term. He waited all that time for you and then six months in treated you like dirt...!
Mark
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