A
male
age
41-50,
*ip2k26
writes:My wife has told me that she wants to separate and get a divorce. This came after many years of emotional abuse from my bipolar disorder. This is now no longer a problem due to accepting Jesus back into my heart and medication. During our last fight, I spilled a secret of cheating on her 9 years ago. We have been only married for 3 years next month. We have a beautiful son together. She has pushed for me to get help for so long and I have never did anything about it until now. Now that the Lord has blessed me with the control of every ounce of my essence, I want so badly to work things out and make our marriage work. My urge to do this is so powerful and overwhelming. She has given up and refuses to believe anything I say and keeps pushing me to move out and move on. It does not make any sense why she has fought for me to be the person she has always known me to be only to give up when I become this person. All that I have done was wrong and I know this. I do not nor will I make any excuses for my actions. These things are now part of the past and bringing them out will only cause more pain. I will say that I have been changed by the mercy and grace of God. He is in control of my life now and I praise Him for saving me. I do not know what to do about my marriage. Should I keep trying or should I just walk away? I do not want to but I am slowly coming to face reality that she does not love me any longer. I love her more deeply now than I did 10 years ago. She states we would be better off as friends. She has been slowly been removing me from her life. Where it may be a common shelf ornament or a car front license plate. Through all of this, I have found myself as well as the love I have always had for her ....only to lose everything I have always cherished. What should I do? Can it be really over? Do I beg? Do I walk away? Why is she giving up when I finally do something? Why? Could time apart help? Would she take me back? I am so torn inside over this woman. I know without a shred of doubt that I love her. If I was on my death bed with only 5 seconds left to live and she came to my side before my end and told me that she loves me and has always felt this way, it would make the pain I feel inside over losing her worth it. I miss my wife. I just do not know what to do.
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male
reader, lonelyindian +, writes (30 October 2008):
At first, when I typed in the search query to google, I never imagined that just a click away was someone whose story parallels mine.
I do not envy you, because I am there right now. My wife and I are separated because of my infidelity, but what made matters worse was that I told her I didn't love her, and that the other woman was my soulmate. The damage is severe and vast. I would relate it to dropping an A-bomb on our marriage; this mistake has decimated everything we held dear, and now she is searching for the strength to forgive me.
Meanwhile, I am going to therapy and like you, accepted Christ as my personal lord and savior.
The only advice I can give you is to love yourself. The Lord has made you for a reason, and you must always strive to fulfill his purpose for you. I know this attitude has given me hope in the darkest days because when we align our life with Jesus, the sins and sorrows of this world melt away.
In line with loving yourself, please have compassion for her. It is not enough to say that you've changed, and it's not enough to think that just because you are getting help, she will come back. She is her own person too, and she has every right to protect herself and her emotions/mind state. So you may have to get used to the idea that she can't be with you because everyone has limits...interestingly enough this seems to be because everyone is human.
Put yourself in her shoes; remove your sunglasses tinted with "me and my life". She is a mother; she must do what is good for her and the child...because believe it or not, your son is absorbing all of this right now...and the baggage he is going to accumulate because of this schism should be minimized to insure that he has the emotional stability to have stable, long-lasting relationships with people. In other words, don't drag this out for your own selfish reasons because it will affect the child, and he may end up repeating your behavior, only to find himself in the same pit of despair you are in right now. So would you want that for your child?
But again, all this comes from loving yourself. Deep down, you are a good person because you feel love. Just underneath your bi-polar disorder or whatever is a stable, lovable human being.
Strive to be the best version of yourself at all times. Set new goals for yourself. If you are fat, strive to lose weight and improve your physical appearance. If you have a substance abuse habit, quit them cold turkey and join a church group in which you are surrounded by good people. If you have anger issues, go volunteer at a nursing home. Talk to people whose time is almost over, and ask them how they approach life...because I promise you, they have insight beyond what you or I have.
I follow my own advice, and it is working. I'm no longer desperate, nor am I distraught over the possibility of her having to walk away. Don't get me wrong, I hate the position I am in...but I put myself here...so i must sleep in my bed.
But again, that's why I looked this topic up on the internet...to see if there was anyone else out there...and no offense, but seeing that I'm not the only one who repents and wishes for the best (but may have to experience the worst) abates my loneliness. It gives me hope that life can go on...and that one day, the Lord will provide me with someone that can truly love me...all of me...with no lies, no fronts, and no worries.
Pray. Keep your head up. Love yourself, and love each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Wow, I am feeling your pain, because I share the same situation. For the past three years I have been absent and distant from my wife while she tried to love me. Just recently (7 months) I began to seek help through counseling. I have made such huge strides but MY WIFE IS GONE. This can't be true because I'm healing myself and she is "numb". How can this be? Is there any possibility of getting just one more chance???The advice given to me is this - PRAY A LOT and keep improving yourself. PRAY A LOT. I can only hope and PRAY that my wife sees the improvements in me and then maybe she will try again. Women are strong people with tender hearts. I failed to hold her heart, hold her hand and touch her emotions. So PRAY A LOT for forgivness and keep up the good work.You are not the only one in this situation. We all feel your pain.Good Luck and God Bless.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 With Faith In God
Out of the darkness and despair
You will find strength anew,
As long as you have faith in God
Within the heart of you.
Each new born day will be more bright,
You’ll find the sun shine through,
To dissipate the clouds of gloom
That have enveloped you.
Just as the day must follow night
And sunshine follows rain,
The faith in God that you possess
Will not have been in vain.
By,
Harold F. Mohn
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.
We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.
We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.
We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 4:8–9
What gives the Christian this kind of resilience?
It’s right here in this passage: “never abandoned by God.”
Because his presence is ever with us, no matter what we go
through, it can never crush us. We have a hidden reserve of
strength that faith activates.
When we trust God’s presence with us, he shifts our
perspective from the present to the eternal (see verses 16–18).
Gaining this perspective is like improving bitter fruit with
a teaspoon of honey, transforming it into something you can swallow.
What lingers is the sweetness of a hope that strengthens
From
Today’schristianwomen.com
Keep your focus on God and be strong in your hopes and faith in Him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): there is going to be alot of people who have all the advice, but until they walk in the shoes of this situation, they will never truely understand it. Until individuals are faced with situations personally, you will never no what a person would do in any situation. when going through an emotional battle with a loved one for whatever the reason, sometimes we base our decisions on what we feel, anger, fear, resentment or whatever, it causes us to make permenant decisons on what is only a temporary circumstance. Honestly there is no easy answer, we as christians believe that the person we mary will be our mate for life and we believe it is not the lord's will for divorce, that's why it hurts so bad inside. We pray and there seems to be no response we get discouraged and ask god where are you now. We wait, wer'e patient we try to talk, we plead our case, but ultimately I have learned my head tells me one thing, my heart tells me another. It's the biggest spiritual aswell as emotonal battle anyone could ever face.You get to a point where you wonder why?????? You hold on with every new day hoping today will be the day the sun will break through the clouds and life will be beautiful again, but it becomes another let down and once again your heart is crushed to what feels beyond compare. True if one could find and afford a good true christian counselor with biblical values to base there standards on that would be heaven , but they are far and in between. Sometimes just finding another couple to trust, confide and talk to can be very encouraging, but at some point for the sake of everyone's sanity and peace, decisions have to be made and be willing to move on. If my wife and I ever divorced just do to "we can't get along" I would never be involved with another because of my beliefs on divorce and remarriage. I know every situation is different, but there are guidlines for what is acceptable in the eyes of the lord and just because isn't one of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): As a wife of a husband with bi-polar who has screamed at me, broken things, thrown me down, etc in fits of rage, I have to agree that at some point the victim of the abuser (because dealing with a bipolar person is dealing with a serious emotional abuser) gets so beat down by the whole situation that you just throw up your hands and say I have had enough. My husband comes back and apologizes, says he will get help, etc., but doesn't, so it is hard to believe anything that a bi-polar person says when they keep going back to their old ways. Your wife is probably in total disbelief that you have "fixed" your problems and also has been so drained by the emotional toll that she has become numb to it all. I am sorry to say that she may not ever believe you or want to take a chance of being in the same situation again. But only God and time will tell. Give her space and prove that you are taking care of yourself. I don't know if this is helpful, but it is truthful. I will say a prayer that you will be able to find your way back together.
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A
female
reader, Light  +, writes (28 April 2008):
You must let go and let GOD - Leave it in God's hands, just let go..
If it was ment to be then it's yours, you know the old saying.....
Just remember that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....
What you do now has a great impact on how she thinks and feels........
Lets us know of your progress.
cheers
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): i believe that you may have caused her to much pain and you have pushed the love that she had for you away with the things that you have said and done to her. you are now feeling as she has for years but probably not as much actually as i bet she hasnt treated you like you have treated her.
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A
female
reader, angy  +, writes (27 April 2008):
It sounds like she has supported you through thick and thin and the cheating which you kept from her for 9 years, effectively lying to her for 9 years has been a blow too much. Perhaps she now needs time to herself, to heal and you are going to have to accept that she is putting herself first for a change, afterall, she has spent years supporting you with your feelings, it can't have been easy, and its now her turn to take care of herself. She obviously has loved you to support you throughout your ordeals and maybe she will come back one day, who knows.I think you must let her be, but if you get the chance let her know how sorry you are and that it will never ever happen again, perhaps, given time she might decide to give you another chance if you can prove you can be different and are truly sorry. but otherwise respect her decisions, give her the space she needs and take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (27 April 2008):
 How does she feel about you finding God?
Also, why does she seem to be in so much of a hurry to get a divorce? If you have changed so much, then surely the logic would be that separation and a rather more distant friendship is good for the moment - but divorce?
It seems odd to me that if she put up with your bipolar disorder for years - and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone - and she suddenly wants to break permanently with you now when it is under proper control. There has to be something more, and I think you need to find and understand what it is because there may lie the answer to your question.
May I also suggest that having so recently been able to control the bipolar disorder, you should take every possible step to ensure that you still have adequate support both medical and emotional. Extremes of emotion from problems with personal relationships are difficult to deal with at the best of times for those of us in the best of health.
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