A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been out of HS 15 yrs but I still miss my fav teacher terribly. She was the best. I have seen her a couple times since graduating. Most recently when I saw her this year, I was able to exchange cell numbers with her and get a nice picture taken with her and another one of my teachers at a school fundraiser, which is how I got her number, she texted the picture to my phone as soon as we took it because I asked for a copy. She did take my number down and commented "Now I can text you." But the hurt is still overwhelming because she was like a big sister to me and I don't see her but maybe once a year if I'm lucky, even though she lives only about an hour away. I've only text her 2 times and one of those times was to give her the rest of my contact info --- I don't want her husband to think I'm doing something inappropriate, because I'm a man. She's 15 years older than me and I would hope nobody would get the wrong idea, because I have no romantic interest in her. That's not what this is about. My bond with her was one that I'd describe as the best friend I ever made. But of course she has her own life with a husband and kids, and that's perfectly understandable. I don't know how she feels about me, or if she really cares that much about me as I do about her. I'm not married and I don't have any kids and I'm not in a relationship so I feel like I need to tread lightly. I consider her part of my family because I think that's how we feel about our best of friends. Before graduation, she said "now don't forget about me." But who knows if that comment was sincere or just a formality.I always noticed she never treated me like a subordinate, she treated me with a lot of kindness and respect, almost as if I was an equal. I was very well behaved in school and she never looked down on me as some teachers may do with students.Sometimes while I was in HS we would talk about things like how she bought something and it really ticked off her husband because he thought they didn't need it, or how her kids were doing as toddlers. So while I was in school we had conversations like that which really had nothing to do with school itself. I don't know if she had conversations like that with other students or not. For the first 3 years after graduation I felt this deep pain from her not being around. Eventually it went away and didn't hurt as bad and I pretty much always kept her in mind. But now that I've reconnected with her, I feel the same pain I did in the first 3 years after graduation, and I'm not sure why. Seems like when we do interact and the interaction comes to an end, I feel the pain again, like the separation is causing it. But I also think part of it is the fact I don't know how she feels or if she even wants me to text her or talk to her regularly like I would like to. What would make this all better is if I could see her and talk to her regularly, just like any of my other friends. She was such a strong support for me in school and I think that's what created this bond. She seemed like she cared about me as an individual, not just another student. She is no longer teaching anymore and left the school two years after I graduated, and stays at home full time with her now young adult kids. I am wondering if anyone has any advice or thoughts on this situation? I would also welcome the input of any teachers out there, because I think your opinions are very relevant and important in this situation. My questions are...Is this a normal feeling? How do I cope with this amount of pain? Is there anything I can do to make things better? Thank you!
View related questions:
best friend, my teacher, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 July 2015):
 OP I teach at a University and there are many students who seem to be very fond of me. I have never really been a "teacher" teacher...I always give my students the option of approaching me whenever they want, and feel free to discuss anything they want. Some of them, particularly the good students, form a bond and I too develop a certain fondness for them.
That being said, the fact that you mention 'pain' several times definitely implies that your feelings for your teacher are not what one would call "normal". More importantly, its been 15 years and you still feel this way. While its great that you are so fond of her, you should move on now. Much as you're trying to avoid this, I feel you're obsessed with her, and maybe not in the brother-sister way that you think.
OP its sweet that you like her so much but keep in mind that this is a married woman with kids and with absolutely no offence meant to you, if some male student felt this way about me, I would be more than a little creeped out. Anything which is not in moderation isn't right OP and you know that, don't you? Feelings, fondness, appreciation-these are all good things but when they take on a different colour and consumes your life, you know it signals trouble.
Have you considered counseling? Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel for her? Maybe you saw yourself as being particularly special for her because she discussed her husband and kids with you and you saw yourself as a bit of a savior to her, if I can even put it that way? OP dont get me wrong, maybe she did have a special bond with you but then maybe she was friendly and genuinely nice with other students as well, before and after you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015): Maybe you long for your boyhood, and for a time you miss in the past. She represents the time in your life when you were a kid, innocent, and carefree. You bonded with her as a wonderful friend, and she made a very positive impression on you. She was kind and attentive. A role model. Perhaps you didn't get so much of this kindness and nurturing from your parents.
It is best you do keep your distance; and respect the fact she is a married-woman with a family. She is no doubt a loving person; but she's being very polite. Maybe a little naive. Holidays and events are more proper times to show your appreciation. Sharing milestones in your life through cards and Facebook updates. Teachers love to see how their former students progress and reach success in their lives. It makes them feel they've done their job.
Such an intense interest is hard to interpret. It would seem inappropriate, if you were too actively involved in her life; considering the age difference. You're not relatives. Although, she may seem as a second-mother to you.
You dispel any inappropriate attraction for her; yet describe feeling pain for her absence in your life. You're feeling grief for your childhood. She played a huge role in your growing up.
Reacquaint yourself with your mother, and re-establish the connection you had with your teacher with the woman who gave you life. Your wife, if you have one. That's where it is better focused. Perhaps the teacher offered you something emotionally that you never had with your own mother. She gave you attention and always made you feel appreciated.
If you don't get that in your life at the present, you certainly would miss it painfully.
Kindness is what you really miss, not necessarily the teacher so much. "Pain" seems an inappropriate emotion for the situation, and perhaps you should give that some thought. Are you married with your own family? Do you have a good relationship with your own parents? There's usually something lacking or missing in the present, when you can't let go of the past.
...............................
|
