A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last summer, I met a guy that completely stole my heart. Although at first I didn't notice him, when we started hanging out my attraction to him was undeniable. The more time I spent with him, the more I fell for him. Eventually I told him how I felt and he told me he felt the same way. We started dating and it was honestly completely different from anything I've ever felt. I felt "alive". My whole life I've been kinda numb to the world. Not very many things really affected me as much as they should have; even serious things, such as death. But when I met him, it seems that everything changed. I had so many emotions and was genuinely happy for the FIRST time in my life. However, I broke up with him after only about 4 months, because I felt like he didn't seem to care sometimes, and he hurt me enough this one time that, on a whim, I did it. That same day I realized how sad I was and tried to get him back, but he refused to talk to me for weeks. The heartbreak that I felt was incredible... I was entirely pathetic, constantly crying, constantly wondering. I'd call my mom or friends 24/7 because I needed someone to talk to, so I didn't drive myself crazy. It was hard, but eventually I moved on (as in, my life didn't revolve around thoughts of him, I wasn't constantly sad, but I still wanted him back). Then, he came to see me and told me he never stopped caring, that I had just hurt him by breaking up with him, and that he loved me. But we got into a big fight and he broke it off again. This time we agreed to continue talking and stay friends, and he told me he'd still care. Of course, this resulted in me having a harder time accepting the reality of the breakup, and he most likely felt pressure from me and so he lied to me once about being in town (we had a slightly long-distance relationship, but nothing too far away) and I freaked out because I didn't understand why he'd lie to me in such detail if he's saying he still cared. After that, we stopped talking, and a new guy who I had just started talking to (but have known for years and was also the first boyfriend I ever had) came to console me. Eventually I started dating this new guy, and our relatinship is 100x better than my relationship with my ex. He's sexy, sweet, smart, but comes with a lot more baggage than my ex, that's for sure (his parents kicked him out of the house and he's had drug addiction problems, but as of now I've managed to help him stay off drugs, and he recently got his own place, although he still has trouble finding a steady job or paying rent). However, emotionally and physically, our relationship is better than my relationship with my ex. So why do I still miss my ex? He wants me back now and has tried for over 5 months to convince me that he knows he messed up, that he loves me, and that he was just scared of commitment before (which is probably true, since I was his first girlfriend in 4 years after his first serious relationship ended and he was still hurt by it in some vague way when I met him). But, even though he wants me back, and I miss him so much, I can't bring myself to break up with my current boyfriend and try again. I think there's a good chance it can work this time, and I genuinely believe him when he says he loves me; but at the same time, I look at how much better my relationship with my current boyfriend is and I get scared that if I leave him, I'll only get hurt again and resent myself for leaving the perfect boyfriend. I do love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but I feel like my ex was my first love. I never really got the "butterflies in my stomach" from my current boyfriend (except when I was 14 when we dated for the first time, but that's on a whole other level). I got those butterflies 100 fold with my ex. Could that be what I miss - the way my ex made me feel, but not him as a boyfriend? And eventually those butterflies do fade... so would I just miss my current boyfriend (if I left him for my ex), once the butterflies are gone and I realize he was better? Or does your first love always hold a special place in your heart, will I always miss him and just have to put my mind before my heart? Or is my heart telling me something?
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broke up, drugs, miss my ex, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much shiraz, that was veryyyy helpful.
And Cathy, I'm in a state right now where I really can't get my ex off my mind... I go up and down... for months I'll be ok and think I'm finally over him and things will be going really well with my current beau, and then out of the blue I start missing my ex again and I can't get him off my mind... it's like I'm constantly struggling to get over him... I'm really stuck now...
A
female
reader, Cathy Carry +, writes (31 October 2008):
i had experiences like you.. If i were you I go to the man who gives me butterflies in my stomach, no matter what. Your current bf is simply making your life serene but dull. Go for the problems but also for the excitement and challenge. It will make you feel more fullfilled in the end.
I am talking out of my experiene. i left the bf who was 'perfect' and i went with the less perfect man but who gives me more 'butterflies' (if you so want to call them). I feel happier and fullfilled now.
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A
female
reader, shiraz  +, writes (30 October 2008):
hiyahh you ask a lot of questions that only you really know the answer too.
your first love is your everything and it will always be with you, always whatever happens from now it will never go away, and that first feelings you felt are like the begining of you turning into your own person with your own state of mind etc. sometimes feelings that begin never end and its hard to let go on somethng that showed you a new you.
hes come back into your life when youve finally moved on, use this as a lesson and think of him as an experiance from the past. i think by trying to go back to what you first had is a mistake and a huge risk. yeah you miss him and yeah you loved him but as youve found out after time you can move on from it, so when the past comes back its best to leave it where it was, as youll never get those first few feelings back and given your history it wont be as magical and amazing as it was to start with.
any sort of break up is hard but when its true love its that little bit harder and sometimes it never goes away, youve been given the choice and your in a position where you can move on woth your life and build a future with your new guy or end it with him and start on something thats already broken.
its up to you and i cant change your feelings or tell you how to be as its your heart and your head but ask yourself do you want it messed up again? do you want to find yourself back in the same place that took you so long to get out of again? why do it to yourself when you can learn from whats happened to you already.
your heartis saying something you in your head knows shouldnt happen again and sometimes you have to have a balance of heart and head.
you seem a strong person and have become more independant from everything so take this way with you.
as i say your first love does always hold a place in your heart that cannot change. you love what you once had.
sorry ive gone really deep inmy answer but i understnad your question but i feel only you can make the right choice her so go for it with both your head and heart firmly in control. sorry its not exactally advie as such more of opinion. best of luck x
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