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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex was controlling, manipulative, unwilling to work, immature and treated me like his personal bank. Towards the end of our 3 year relationship he also started to get physically abusive and extremely verbally abusive.We have been split for 2 weeks now after another argument due to his controlling ways, in the end the police got involved and I was advised to take out an injunction which I did.The problem is I'm now missing him like mad. I know I fell out of love with him in the end and I never saw the relationship being long term but he did have a lot of good points too and now I'm missing him but I don't know why because I don't even want him back.I admit I tried calling him today and he answered just to say I'm not allowed to speak to you then hung up.Why am I feeling like this? I'm not lonely as I've been keeping really busy
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 July 2014):
 if you took out an order of protection against him, DO NOT CALL HIM!!!! Do not do that. He can file charges against you for slander, or sue you for entrapment for trying to entice him to talk to you when there is an order against him. You can neither talk to him, see him, or be anywhere near him. You must treat him as if he is completely and utterly DEAD to you now unless you have kids together, in which case you STILL don't talk to him, but go through the courts for any child support stuff.
You're having all of this happen because there's a void in your life now. You need to fill it with other things like friends, hobbies, even therapy if need be. You feel the urge to pine for the guy whose most favorite hobby was to beat up on you? Go get your best friend to pinch you on the arm while eating straight Wasabi sauce, or go have your fingernails ripped off. You wanting contact with him is masochistic is what I'm trying to tell you.
It *will* get better. But seriously, you can NOT talk to him or be within 100 feet (or 200 depending on the order) of him. You will be in a world of pain if you do, not to mention he can go to the police and argue that you contacting him means that you are abusing the justice system to get back at him, making the police not so eager to help you if you are dumb enough to let him back in and he starts pounding on you again.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (25 July 2014):
 Comfort. You know him and he knows you. You have been together 3 years and now you will have to start over, it can be terrifying. So it's easier to go back to where you know what to expect. Also you knew he was there for you. You didn't feel on your own, you had him. When you had a bad day you knew he would be there. It provided a sort of stability. Now you feel alone even with friends or family around.
This is all common and everyone experiences these feelings after a breakup. It's impossible to share your life with someone for 3 years and not miss them. So you look back and try to think it wasn't so bad, you remember the good times versus the bad times, because it is easier than facing what you are going through. It hurts like hell. Even when it was an unloving relationship, it still hurts.
All you have to do is power through it. This phase will last maybe a few months, maybe less. Some days you will feel you are moving past it and the next day you will be crying again. But.. It DOES pass. Keep as busy as possible as you have been. You will start to get used to life without him over time. Try new things and experience new things without him. Get a new hobby or watch a new TV show, it keeps you focused on something new rather than dwelling on things you used to do together. When you are feeling especially lonely call a family member or friend, or write down your thoughts.
You know this is what you need to do. Just stay strong, don't waver when you feel lonely. Accept that this is a process and all will be well in time. It will actually be better in time, far better than this relationship was. Time heals all wounds. One day you can look back on this post when you are in an amazing relationship and laugh to yourself. Trust me, cause I've done it myself.
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki  +, writes (25 July 2014):
You miss him, or you miss being with someone? Both of these feel a lot like the other.I am sure you do miss him, or rather the 'him' during the good times. You sound really intelligent, and I can't imagine you miss the fighting, the sponging, the abuse ... you get my point?You have every right to miss the good stuff, and it could take a while to get him out of your system, but you need to purge him (and anything associated with him) from your life.Delete his cell number, his email address(es), everything in fact that you can use to contact him.If you need to have contact with him, use some sort of intermediary (mutual friends, family or a solicitor) and one day you will find it gets easier.You are unlikely to get over a 3-year relationship in two weeks, so it isn't a surprise that you feel like this, but you WILL feel better.
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