A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Now that I broke up with my verbally abusive ex ( it’s has been a few days)who also cheated on me, I miss him. All I can think about is the good times. I’m trying so hard not to contact him. It seems impossible. What do I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2018):
 It is typical for the person that is being abused to be made feel like it is there fault. Would you consider seeing a therapist about this? I think it would do you good. How are you being to needy? What exactly where you wanting from him that he couldn't give? He says he abused you because you are annoying. Why would you want to be with someone who found you annoying? Why would he want to be with you if he found you annoying? If he ignored you in the relationship then why go back? The bad times should outweigh the good times. You should aim to be with someone who treats you good all the time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): It is understandable; but not wise in any way, shape, or form for you to contact your abuser. Stop and think about the absence of logic behind being cruel or violent towards someone; out of mere "annoyance." Would you do that?
There was a time when you first met, and earlier in the relationship; that he was probably good to you. Things deteriorated, and the relation is no longer good. It was abusive; because he is mean and sick. Your culture condones him to do whatever he pleases with you as a woman. That's on him, not you. Abuse is wicked and criminal.
Just our posts regarding this issue is not enough to convince you; because you're a victim suffering from the trauma and psychological-affects of your abuse. That requires professional counseling and treatment. You will stubbornly ignore the advice given; even though you will be given the most excellent non-professional advice available. You aren't in your best state of mind. You have been emotionally, and possibly physically, abused.
Neediness is another condition of your mental-health that requires treatment. You may be suffering symptoms typical of women who have been victimized and severely abused by men.
They blame themselves. Sometimes will return to the abuser; and often seek other relationships with men exactly like him, again and again. They feel worthless and have low self-esteem. It's not your fault. He was toxic and cruel.
Therapy is only effective when people seek it with the conviction and belief they want to get well. They have to be committed and serious about functioning in a healthy way; and healing as much as possible.
Maybe you haven't sought licensed-professional help; or you wouldn't entertain such thoughts and beliefs. If you are under treatment; you are possibly on the verge of some sort of emotional-crisis. Succumbing to loneliness and desperation. I strongly suggest you discuss this with your therapist; even your general-practitioner, for a referral. IMMEDIATELY!!!
If you don't have one, get one!
Stay away from him. He doesn't feel as you do. You get on his nerves; and you will only provoke him to hurt you somehow. You are in a fog, or so extremely traumatized; you aren't thinking straight. Fortunately, you are cognizant enough to reach-out to us as a source of support; but you need someone local, professional, and trained to deal with victims of domestic-violence and psychological-abuse.
Contacting him would be re-inviting all the BAD experiences back into your life; because he can't stand you. Get that into your head. Abusive people lack self-control and the ability to handle their anger. They need little to no reason to be cruel. There is something missing in their psychological make-up, to help them control their tendencies towards violence, rage, and cruelty to others. There is no law that justifies people to hurt other people; because they are "annoying."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI now feel like it’s my fault and I will ruin all my relationships for being needy. He used to say he abused me cause I’m annoying. While he ignored me.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 June 2018):
 You miss the GOOD times. You do NOT miss the BAD times. Sadly they came as a package with this guy. Would you want to live the rest of your life (or at least the next few years) being verbally abused by him? Do you not think you are worth better? Every time you miss him, remember the bad times, the way he spoke to you when he was abusing you, and draw strength from that not to go chasing after him.
Even when we know someone is bad for us, it takes time to get over them. I was in an abusive relationship many years ago (I was very immature at the time). I felt like my life had finished when it ended (he too cheated on me and left me for the other woman). It took me a long time to acknowledge to myself how badly he had treated me. He got back in touch many years later, thinking I would jump back into his arms. It gave me great pleasure to tell him, very politely and pleasantly that, while I wished him well, he was part of my past that I did not care to revisit and that I had no feelings towards him, good OR bad. It gave me even greater pleasure to realize that I meant every word.
The opposite of love is not hate, as many believe; it is INDIFFERENCE. When you can think about him without any feelings, then you will know you are over him.
And you WILL get over this man, believe me. You will find someone who is worthy of your love, who loves and respects you back. You do not deserve to be abused. Keep telling yourself that. You are better alone than with someone who treats you so badly.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 June 2018):
It is okay to miss someone. It would be strange if you didn't. It has only been a few days, but as cliche as it sounds time will make it easier. It might seem impossible at the moment to stay away from him but you need to remember why you finished things with him.
It is not okay that he was abusive to you, you do not deserve to be treated that way. Also he cheated on you therefore do you think you would ever be able to trust him again after that? Believe me if you let him away with it once he will keep abusing and keep cheating. I know it is hard at the moment but it will get easier and you will get stronger.
Have you any family or friends around you for support at the moment? You need to keep busy and active and try and enjoy life. Sitting around will only make you miss him more and think about the good times.
Block him from your phone and contacts and try and be strong. Don't ever allow a man to treat you anything less than you deserve.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 June 2018):
 You can miss someone who is BAD for you.
You can miss someone you know isn't a good person because you also had good times with him.
It's OK to MISS someone you don't want in your life. It happens, it's natural. However, it's NOT healthy.
It's not the abuse you miss, the bad treatment and behavior - it's the guy you THOUGHT he were or could be.
Unfortunately, he will NEVER be the guy you had hoped he would be. And THAT you have to remember.
It's not impossible to NOT contact him. Block all numbers, all social media and DELETE the number/access.
You can not CHANGE him by loving him.
HE will not change either. Not in a few days maybe never.
So while I get that you remember the good times but you need to also remember that the good times wasn't the reason you broke up. The abusive behavior and cheating was.
Know that you deserve better than what he had to offer.
Know that IN TIME you WILL get over him.
Don't give in.
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