A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:There is no way to say this without sounding bad but here goes:I met this girl on a dating site and she said her profile that she was looking to 'casually date with possibility of more' she even said she wants to talk 'awhile' before meeting in person and that she's a Christian but more spiritual than religious. I knew all that going in. That's all reasonable safety stuffWe have things in common, we're both more liberal than our families, we don't like crowds or large parties, but we do go to ball games and drink sometimes but not to get drunk. We like reading and many other quiet solitary or one on one activities. She had pictures up, about five at first. Some were alone, some in groups and I got a good idea of her face and body.We talked a lot online but she refused to video chat and started making excuses not to talk too long because it was a minute phone. I asked if it was too expensive to get a real phone and she said she always used that one at first since it seemed safer. I did some research and found out she'd been using public computers and that most of the time we talked on the phone its always before 8pm. She at that point had my last name and where I lived and worked but didn't reciprocate My sister said maybe she'd had a bad experience so it would be smart to offer to meet up for a double date. Low key, bowling.She said it was "too soon" even though it had been three weeks! She said she'd gone on "some dates" which was OK, but there were no sparks and most guys didn't like waiting. I don't either! I just wished her well and asked her to message me when she was ready. It worked like a charm and she offered to meet up later.I asked for more recent pictures and she said she took bad selfies so she'd have to find some good ones. Well, we met up for bowling and my sister and her boyfriend watched from a distance. Here's what happened:First of all, she looked good in pictures but her long hair was cut off and she was way thinner. Also, she had bad acne scars and really bad teeth. I mean, not just a bad overbite but they point out too! I didn't only want sex but she had said she was waiting until she met "the one". I guess I was hoping for oral sometime down the road. Not anymore!It was all I could do not to stare and we didn't have much to say to each other. I know its not really her fault but I feel deceived! She kept putting her hand on my hair, back, arm and it was all I could do not to cringe. I pretended I was sick, gave her cab fare and said I'd call. I messaged that I was sorry but still sickNow she is insisting about meeting up again and I can't just disappear since she knows where to find me. She came into my work and I told a co worker I wasn't there. I know its stupid but she's really starting to anger me. I told her its not going to work out but she's demanding to know why.What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2016): OK, I'm the OP. I told her there were just no sparks and it wasn't personal. Just like she had no sparks with her other dates. She just keeps demanding why. I asked what if the guys she had no sparks with demand to know why and she said, "they were the ones who said no sparks and they mostly wanted to change my mind about no sex"I told her that was messed up of them and I wasn't just after sex. I mean sex at some point? Yeah. If I like her well enough I'm willing to wait until marriage. If I don't, then I wouldn't do that. But I mean, we should at least do oral after we get tested and talk first. If we're just friends that's OK too. I guess what confuses me is that she was SO CAUTIOUS that she wanted to wait three weeks and MEET in public (I respect that) AND she would not give out her last name and workplace so I could look her upI said, "I'm ................, and I've lived in .............counties in the state of ** ..........county in the state of ##. Look me up, you'll find out I have a failure to yield, no accident, speeding ticket, no accident, music too loud two timies, and my windows were too dark. I work at ...............care and also ...............and ......................" .I wanted to be honest and let her look me up to prove I have no DVs and I'm not an offender or bank robber, I just want the same respect back. Even "..........., I'm a salesclerk at Grocery store and I go to community college/accounting" would be fine. "................./dog walker, dog sitter/vet tech major at State college" is fine too.I mean, what information do you give out? I think she's crazy. Her teeth are a turn off and I feel lied to. But I would be friends if she wasn't crazy. I just don't like her showing up at my work like that. I don't like that she didn't let me look her up.She finally gave her last name and told me she changed. Her record started off with just failure to control, some petty theft, possession, soliciting and then that was it. I believe her she has been sober 18 months. But why not tell me?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Just tell her you didnt feel the chemistry. And/or that you aren't attracted to her. She's a grown up woman, she can take it.
Rejecting someone isn't easy, especially if you're not used to it. But there's no going around it when they are the type to not take a hint/the type who think that pestering someone will get them anywhere. You need to be direct. You tried the indirect route, and she didn't pick up on it/didn't accept it. You CAN choose to just ignore her, and if she comes to your workplace again keep on ignoring her until she leaves. Fully within your rights. And I've done this also, but it can take MONTHS before she leaves you alone if you just try to ghost her.
I recommend you just tell her the truth. You're not attracted to her. No point in going into details about why. Just repeat it if she ask for details, say that you simply aren't attracted to her, no offense, but some people you feel the attraction towards and some you don't.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Damn, you've got a stage 5 clinger on your hands! These things happen all the time when you try online dating. I've been duped many times from pics where the person looks nothing in person like their photos. It is somewhat deceiving. Like false advertising!
It's kinda strange she came into your work. That's very pushy and very forward. Not cool. You don't owe her anything. You two only went on one date that ended quickly! But if she won't take no for an answer, just simply leave it at that you didn't feel a spark like you'd hoped for. That you see her as a friend and not a relationship interest. You don't have to tell her it's her physical appearance that put you off. If she can't accept that for an answer, then she's a bit crazy, dude!
If she continues showing up at your work, you need to then be a bit more forward and direct with her. Make sure she knows it's unacceptable, under any circumstance, to show up at your job. Because it is! Although I'm a bartender, so it makes it more difficult for me to send people away. I don't know what you do. But if you can make her go, absolutely make her do so.
Good luck and I hope you can shake this crazy!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Okay, here are the problems and suggestions, in my opinion:- acne scars aren't someone's fault and not everyone wants to or can afford to fix misaligned teeth, so you may need to be more lenient with your judgements and see if you can still be attracted to a person who has such "flaws",- you should be relatively vague, when it comes to your job, if the company has only got one building local to you or is easy to visit for the random public (i.e, explain that you're a plumber/waiter/cashier/etc., but not say the company name or where it is),- some people, particularly young/vulnerable people, prefer to wait a little longer than 3 weeks before meeting up (e.g, my boyfriend and I waited a month and a half, so that we were both comfortable and ready),- giving out phone numbers and Facebook is fine because you can delete and block on those, but don't give your address before you actually know them properly.All in all, I think you need to be more cautious with the information you give out, less judgemental about "flaws" people can't help and let her down easy, but firmly. You don't need to explain why you're not attracted to her because you'll likely destroy any self-esteem she has, but you just tell her that you don't feel a connection in person and you think it's best to stop all contact, wishing her well. Delete and block, if she persists, and potentially raise it with the police if she comes to your work again afterwards.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2016): Lesson learned, you shouldn't exchange personal information with someone you haven't met in-person. When people are hesitant to meet-up, don't press them. There's reason, and it is best to take hesitation as a red-flag. Caution for safety sake is one thing, avoidance is another.
Three weeks is not long enough. You should Google their names for public information, and find-out a little more about their background before releasing your employment information and where you live. Profiles are mostly fake, and you shouldn't be too surprised if they don't match their profile pictures. That's online dating.
You can only be straightforward and honest; because that is what she is demanding from you. Explain that there is no attraction and you don't feel things could go much further than they already have. You really don't mean to hurt her feelings, but you're certain it isn't going to work. Please do not come to your place of employment again. That was inappropriate and you wish to remain polite about it.
Less said, the better-off things will go. Report her to the dating site if she doesn't comply with your request and their rules. Block your profile so she can no longer view it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2016):
 I'd just call her and tell her: "Annie, it was nice to meet up, but I don't feel there is a spark from my end, and I don't want to waste YOUR or my time pursuing this, so I'll wish you good luck and I hope you met the guy for you".
You don't NEED to get into details further than that, and no, you don't OWE her any more explanation than that. I think if you DID go into details about her scars and teeth you would make her feel a million times worse.
After that? You block and delete her. (you can tell her that you are going to block/delete her number and that she can do the same)
But I have to say one thing... You are being hypercritical of her looks. So WHAT if she had acne scars? It's not like that is her fault. I mean jeez, you must be super perfect of THAT is such a no-no. Everyone has flaws.
Maybe you were hypercritical of her because you didn't feel attracted to her, and I get that. But if you are looking for perfection.... you may find yourself a very lonely dude.
Now if she DOES show up at your work again, tell her she needs to stop.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2016):
 “Beth, I have tried to let you down gently but as you keep insisting on meeting up and have actually gone to my workplace, it’s apparent I have to do something that makes me uncomfortable.
“Here goes: there is no attraction from toward you. I enjoyed our chats and we do have a lot in common but the chemistry in real life wasn’t there for me. I didn’t feel sparks. That’s unfortunate but not something that I can change or you can change.
“We don’t have a future together, alas. I wish you well in your future and that you meet the perfect guy for you. It’s just not going to be me.”
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 September 2016):
 Just tell her you don't think you're as compatible as you first thought, you don't have to go into an in depth reasoning. All she needs to know is that you don't feel any chemistry, case closed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2016): I think she was being cautious with making it hard for you to track her down unless it was on her terms and three weeks isn't too long to wait to meet up! What would have happened if she looked like her pictures? Would you have overlooked the awkwardness of the date?Would it have been better to have more recent pictures? Of course! A haircut or if you grew a beard would have been a good reason to post new ones. You mentioned specific times to call, public computers and a minute phone as well as no workplace and no last name. All that *could* point to maybe she lives in a shelter. That would explain extreme weight loss and skin problems. But her teeth? She knows they're a turn off and probably feared you'd judge and wouldn't want to meet up. Just be honest and say there was no spark and that you don't want to string her along. Being evasive is probably whats upsetting to her. Next time, don't give out your address or workplace!
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