A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A year ago I bumped into someone I used to fancy about 20 years ago who is now divorced with children. We had an instant connection – as if it was meant to be. Although I found him quite difficult to talk too and a bit shy in his presence – I’ve always felt like this about him. The same night I met his younger brother who I instantly found really easy to talk too and I fancied him on the night too. Although the guy I’d fancied 20 years ago was dating someone else we starting meeting up and texting each other and he told me that he’s always fancied me and when he got divorced he’d tried to find me. He told me that his girlfriend of 3 years was great but there was a big but in the relationship and the relationship wasn’t right. For the past year he has tried to finish with his girlfriend on several occasions but gives in when she gets upset and then can’t go through with it because he feels lonely and the hurt feelings remind him too much of his split from his wife. I think about him all the time and he does me and I unconditionally love him i.e. I want him to be happy even if it’s not with me? We have hugged and cuddled but nothing has happened sexually in fact when we are together we both freeze it’s so strange – we joke that we must be related. It just should have happened by now. We’ve put it down to him feeling guilty about his girlfriend. It’s so frustrating. I have become quite friendly with a lot of his friends who I used to know years ago too and also his younger brother. His girlfriend has been rowing with him to move in as she feels her life is on hold whilst she waits for him to sort his head out. I know that this guy is not an ideal companion for me but he has had a hold over me like a spell for the last year – I keep saying can I have my mind back please? Any how he has given into her pestering and they are moving in together. When he told me I was instantly gutted, then I had a flash of I’m free, I’ve got my mind back, followed swiftly by a flash of who I knew that was ‘free’ or had been giving me vibes and realised that it’s his brother. I couldn’t see it before – his brother is suggesting we do things together as we live in the same town. We get on really well and can talk about anything. I actually have more in common with his brother and he is being really nice to me and we are having serious eye contact, the feelings are starting to brew up and the chemistry is there and emotions are flooding in and i'm feeling overwhemled by it all. We’ve been in each other’s company for the passed 4 days as mates and we’ve even went to the cinema together and for a meal. Any idea what’s going on? was I supposed to be with his brother all along but let some 20 year crush get in the way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2007): BOTH of you need to decide what you really want. In some ways you and he have a lot in common but you certainly don't love him if you have feelings for his brother too. He in turn, although is very fond of you is not assertive enough to tell the girlfriend he's with at the moment that it isn't working out. Is THIS the kind of man you would want to be with? If he is going along with her and letting her move in (for all the wrong reasons) then he will be like this with you also. NOT a good start to any relationship.
You both get along well, have fun together and have some things in common but in my opinion this really isn't enough to form a strong relationship. Honesty is one of the cornerstones of a relationship, HE isn't being honest with his girlfriend that's he's with at the moment and YOU aren't being honest with him when you have feelings for his brother.
My advice to you both is to remain friends, come together for coffee occasionally but that's it. Talk to him and let him know that although you are fond of him the "spark" just isn't there as far as commitment is concerned. Let him know you like his brother too. In the long run he'll respect you more for being honest with him. In fact you may find that although he likes you too, it IS only as a friend.
If you both DID have strong feelings for one another you would never be remotely interested in his brother and he certainly would feel strong enough to break things off with his girlfriend (no matter what excuse he's given you).
Move on... that special someone IS out there for you but it definitely isn't this man.
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