A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago I joined a dating site for fun. One day, bored out of my mind, I had a look at my matches. One guy (an older guy) in particular seemed pretty interesting so I sent him a message. We had a great chat and soon we were on MSN winding each other up. I liked the idea of having such an interesting internet friend (who was just a train ride away) and I was always so happy when he appeared online. Suddenly, the IM conversations tapered off, though that was probably my fault for not logging on very often. But I started to miss him, and whenever we chatted I wished we could just chat forever. Since we were just friends (acquaintances more like, to be honest) I didn't say anything.Then he stopped logging on so frequently and recently I found out that he's deleted a few site accounts. It worries me a bit, though if it's because he's found someone I'll be so happy for him. For some reason, I feel like crying. I never chat with him any more and I miss him, but I really don't know why. I should be able to shrug it off, but I can't. I enjoyed our conversations and I really cared for him. Now I just don't know what to do. I'm confused - why do I miss him so much? What can I do to ease the pain?
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Lol, no worries ask oldersister ;)
A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (18 December 2009):
In light of this I wouldn't think to much of it for now. Yes people do disapear on the Internet often. I would say that even though you are afraid of the idea of love I think you experienced it a little and that is now why you miss him so much. But if it was light hearted and friendly conversation (I don't know exactly what you mean by winding up in the original post) then I think it's the love from an understanding friend that you miss most.
If in the future If he comes back and you both decide to meet up. Go for it! But don't do it at night in a dark quiet place. Meet for coffee at a busy cafe during the a Saturday afternoon. Just meet have fun be yourself (no need to be cautios here) but don't go anywhere else with him on the first meeting because the moment you agree to enter in a car or a house that is the point when you may have reason to be cautious. Just don't go with him anywhere. After a while if it gets to the point you've had a few weeks where you've had coffee/lunches you may want to let your parents know you've made a friend (only a friend) who's a bit older an that youve made it clear that your only friends with him and then invite him over to meet your parents. I think your smart enough to know how to handle things and this will build trust over a period of time.
So yep I believe you just miss your friend a little and that's normal. But you will need to let him go and take it as a life experience of what love could possibly be in the future. It's a good feeling.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (18 December 2009):
Ask oldersister;
Some women, alot of women "are" overly cautios. As if your going to get attacked in a middle of a shopping centre by a guy one busy afternoon, im sorry but alot of these women I wouldnt even touch with a ten foot pole anyway and thats why it makes me and probably alot of other guys laugh. Also There are so many scenarios and variables that have to take place for a woman even be close in a situation of a rape victim.
Wheres your statistics on men who are married on these sites? im sure you'll find the same goes for women too.
Original Anonymous poster;
As long as youve made it clear verbally with him or written then I would be lead to believe he had become a good friend of yours and he has possibly moved on with a love interest. He's probably being a good man by not communicationg with you because it will create distrust between himself and her abd i dint think he'd want that right now. maybe someday you will hear from him again. Hopfully youi gave him your email address or a way to keep being friends.
So don't worry he'll pop back some day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIs there any other way to take advice than personally?
A lot of the advice is directed at me as though I take dating sites seriously. I don't. I do like talking to some of the people on the sites; some are really nice and good to talk to for a while, and I don't get all upset if someone I was happy talking to disappears. Just this one guy because I was in contact with him for a long time and he was always just great. I don't know why I miss him, I really don't. I don't want to, I'd rather move on with my life instead of getting upset. And yet here I am. But I'm not asking for approval to start chasing after him and I'm not asking for opinions on online dating. I am actually happy on my own.
Ask oldersister, I do appreciate the comments but it's not that I'm actively looking for anyone, especially not online. I'm just confused about how I feel for this guy (especially since we chatted quite happily for a good couple of years). I've tried making it clear that I am not actively searching for someone, I've tried to make it clear that I am not online dating. I guess I'm not good at conveying my actual problems.
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A
female
reader, To A New Life  +, writes (17 December 2009):
I hope it is true that I am "jaded" and wrong for your sake, and other women like you. You are still very young even though you might not feel it at your age, and you're response was "exactly" what I expected, and "exactly" perfect for many. Everyone eventually learns, but at what price is dictated by ones ability to follow ones gut instinct. And that ability is dictated by the strength of one's self control, self discipline, and acknowledgement that we are all more alike than "special". A hard pill to swallow, and most every one tries to kill the messenger, only this messenger cares and don't want to see you hurt. "Regret" always comes too late. It is better to error on the side of caution then to stare harm in the face when it could have been prevented. Good luck to you, and I will not bother you anymore with my well intended concerns.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I did; it was a dating site but they had games that could only be accessed on joining, so I did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never said anyone else was naive; other people are calling me naive =/ I am cautious, but I'm not vocal about it. Maybe my attitude is a bit mixed up.
I think I explained myself badly. I do enjoy flirting with guys if we have the same interests and they can handle my sense of humour. I meant I'm cautious when guys after about five minutes start going "you're like so pretty we should go out/have sex/get married right this minute ;) "
I think it scares me more that I could find myself falling for someone I only knew through the internet. I really liked him and all but as other people have stated (thanks guys, but I already figured that bit out. I'm not stupid, kthx) I never did meet him in real life. It's hard to describe but our conversations were always interesting and fun, but never anything 'lovey'. I think if he had any interest at all in me, the age gap is what prevented him from saying anything.
Griffo, you've definitely been more helpful than anyone else here. Thank you.
I do feel stupid for asking now, though. Ugh.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (17 December 2009):
Don't believe the first responce. Most are not married most are looking for an actual partner ... Again some women are too "over cautios" ... just relax.
Really if we want it we will get it. We don't spend hours and a fee on a stupid website to look just for sex. If he was with somebody else or married he would have likley done it to piss off his wife or girlfriend only. Because she may had done it to him.
If men want sex they know where to get it both free and with a fee.
Save yourselves depravation of fun: don't be "over cautious"
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (17 December 2009):
I think your attitude is all mixed up here. I mean you joined a dating site, I don't know which one or what type it is but they are pretty self explanatory. If it has something to do with love then that's what most people are looking for if it has to do with sex then that's what most people there are looking for. There are plenty of women who have the same ideas as guys and they go to those sites.
You say the idea of love scares you ... Why?
I think you scared him away by possibly not wanting love, he may have analysed you enough to make a decision based in that an found you just another flurry.
Again your attitude is a little negative other women are not naive they just know exactly what they want in a partner. It's also really negative that you have this misstrust of guys being attracted to you. I mean if I was attracted to you and thought you were really hot and asked, hey want to do something/hang out? would you just completly ignore me or what? I think your being a bit "overly cautious" and I'm afraid that is very very boring. and you'll miss out on lots of fun because if that. Don't worry a guy may be attracted to you but it will take him a while to get you in the sack. As soon as he sees you yes he may want to bang you but he does know it takes a little time and a trip to the bed room. He won't strip off right there and go all hell for it. You still have to agree, accept his invatitation and show interest too.
There are guys out there who will really appreciate you for who you are you just gotta look past that first initial few minutes giv'em a chance and you may just very well find an interest.
Flirt a bit, have fun, flaunt it and you will enjoy things much more. Guys will appreciate you a whole lot more. And you will be fun and have fun doing it.
reassess your attitude and do t be "over cautious"
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Hello, I agree with the first response that suggested you start living real life more. Random people we meet on the net fill a void for us especially when we are lonely. Itis also easy for us to interpret these types of encounters as more meaningful than they actually are. Straight up if there was something meaningful to him as well he would have contacted you by now. He clearly has set the stage for no more contact by taking the steps that he has closing his accounts etc. I have always found that brief encounters like that are only meant to fill the void of loneliness that we feel and it sounds like you are one of many who is not truly being present in your own life. Why are you holding on to a ghost instead of getting out there and meeting people in the real world?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. I still feel utterly confused, though. It wasn't so much that I was looking for a relationship; I was content to be friends because he was just great to talk to and we share a lot of the same interests. In my own age group, I find no-one really cares about those interests, but he did. And now I feel like a total idiot. I don't want to say I've fallen for him as, to be honest, the idea scares me a bit.To A New Life, wow... That's a bit depressing, really. As I said, I wasn't looking for anyone. The main reason I joined was the games! I don't think I'm quite as naive as other women my age. I am very young (compared to this guy especially) but I don't see myself as being incredibly vulnerable (if I'm honest, I have a slight mistrust of guys claiming to be attracted to me, especially on the internet!) but I'm not quite as jaded as you seem to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This happens a lot with internet dating and it can be very frustrating. It could be he met someone, or decided internet dating wasn't for him or that he didn't want to meet anyone after all. Don't take it personally.
It's natural too for you to feel disappointed as you were getting attention from him and that is what we miss when we haven't a partner.
What you can do to ease the pain is chat to lots of others. Some will continue chatting and others won't. You can also try building up your social life in the 'real' world and finding other interests. Is there something you always wanted to learn for example? You could join a social club or just go out with your friends.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (17 December 2009):
Send him a message telling you miss him just like you did here ... if you can. send it to all his accounts that are still available, it sounds you really like him alot, so its worth trying to express your feelings. send to all accounts just once (one each day) and thats it. wait a while and if you get no reply, then you may have to move on.
Its the sad thing about the internet you meet these great people, develop feelings and eventually they may disapear.
there is nothing nicer than knowing you have expressed your feelings to somebody if they have disapeared from your life ... love is a good thing.
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A
female
reader, To A New Life +, writes (17 December 2009):
You shouldn't miss him. He's probably married and got caught, so he stopped. Females on those websites are looking for a "friend" or "future" partner. Males, most are married, and almost all lie about their age, job, etc., all they want is ..SEX. You must be really young and nieve, or a hopelss dreamer. Be careful, because that makes you very "vulnerable" and an easy "target".
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