A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm 27 this year. Dating with a man that i met one and a half years ago. When we first started dating, all i could think of was spending my life with him. I loved him dearly although he's a male chauvinist pig at times. Throughout the first 10 months, i was still struggling to earn his respect and hopefully he would appreciate me like how i wanted him to. Even during the initial stages of our relationship, all i could remember was the sad moments of me trying to get hold of this guy. Early this year, we both had an arguement which led us to a two week break in between. He came back asking me to forgive him and said that he would change (he did change a little). Recently i met this new guy who has what my boyfriend couldn't offer in terms of personality. But he's struggling financially. I'm no longer sure of what i want and my boyfriend is urging me to marry him.I kept asking myself if i should be with someone who loves me and try to push all the negativity. Or should i give myself a chance with this new guy and believe that true love does exist? How long would i be able to struggle financially with him? Some of my friends call off their wedding due to financial disagreements. Where is all the passion i once felt for my boyfriend and why am i having pre marriage jitter? Sometimes i felt as if my bf and i are from two different worlds. Can someone help me?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2008):
 Your gut is telling you that you're not ready to commit, I think. Why are you feeling pressure to marry? Does it come from within yourself or is it your boyfriend or is it family and friends telling you that it's time to settle down?
You should not discount these feelings of uncertainty. I worry a bit that you said you felt you had to struggle to get respect from your boyfriend early on; I don't think that will change much if you do marry him, unless you've identified why it is that you felt that way. What is it in his behavior that made you unhappy enough to go on a break? And have those issues been resolved to your satisfaction? It doesn't really sound like it to me.
The new guy may be the perfect man for you, or he could just be a sign that you're still looking for your best partner. Financial struggling is not necessarily a reason NOT to get married, but it does bear further scrutiny. Is he struggling because he's irresponsible or because there are outside forces beyond his control that have influenced his current status? Job loss, a poor economy, previous financial debt, alimony, child support for example.
Passion early on in a relationship is wonderful and fantastic, but in a long term relationship, you need to have more of a foundation to build on. Friendship, trust, mutually shared values, a common vision of the future, and respect would be really good things to have before you embark on a shared life together.
The fact that you're here asking these questions is a sign that you really aren't ready to make a major commitment, I think. It's not a bad thing, it's just being honest with yourself and acknowledging the importance of your doubts and concerns, so I think you probably need to have a long frank look at the questions I posed above. Things don't magically get better with marriage, as I'm sure you know. Any issues you face will only crystallize, so it's best to deal with them.
I'd like to suggest a book that really helped me. 'A Fine Romance' by Judith Sills PhD. It examines the path from courtship to commitment and forces you to look at your own issues and how they may be playing out in the relationships you're in.
I'm sorry if this wasn't terribly helpful, but I do with you all the best as you confront these issues you raised here.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 April 2008):
 Do you marry for love or do you marry for money?
Which is more important to you ?
It looks like those two guys will not be able to give you your happiness.
Your third options is to keep looking for that special someone who will have a balance of love and money.
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