A
female
age
41-50,
*ternalleroze
writes:Dear Cupid,I have a problem.I met this man 1 yr and some months ago , he was nice and really a wonderful guy....in other words perfect for me...but he came with bagage.He was married and had 2 kids from his previous marriage.When we met , he had really decided to leave his wife cos 6 yrs ago she had cheated on him and had left him for one month with kids to go and live with her lover in Mexico.She came back a month later so tht she could take her kids during summer break to mexico and live with her lover.However he found out her lover dint want anything to do with commitment , so she decided to stay on pretending to be in love with him , just cos her lover had dumped her.3 yrs of counselling later she still would not let go of contact with her lover , and the bal 3 yrs they were together she wud use sex as something to control him and distance herself from him completely.during which they had constant fights...in front of kids and otherwise , leading to her punching him one day for calling her an adultress.He decided to leave his sinking marriage , and then he met me.when he met me he was still living at his old house , was looking for a flat to move out and a month later moved out.he filed for divorce and now it is 1 yr and a few months , she still hasnt signed.i moved in with him 6 months ago.... from the time she came to know about me she has been constantly attacking him verbally.She has made their kids beleive He left her for a younger gal (me)and also all his friends.She has lied about me to everyone including his family so that she can get them all on her side , for a while this worked till he decided to spill the beans about her ( they both were advised not to spill the beans by the child psychologist to lessen trauma on the kids).However since he was the late party to give the clarification for divorce everybody was either baffled or dint initially beleive him.I guess its slowly sinking in , however i am facing the flak from all ends and so is he , from his family , from his friends( his ex ensures that she blurts snide remarks over me and him saying his friends were saying it , making him hurt.)I think everyone is prejudiced against me and we are being socially isolated ... what do u suggest we do ?
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female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 You both need to remain strong.
Bad times will make your relationship. You cannot control how this woman behaves.
In good time, kids, relatives and friends will find out the truth and understand.
Try never to drop to her lever as this woman feels bitter.
Even though, she is selfish enough to use the kids as weapons, do not discuss any bad feelings towards her in front of the kids. Treat them as your own as it is not their fault. The rest will unfold naturally.
Love each other and be happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): It is amazing how this kind of situation stirs people up. They all think of themselves first and how this situation will impact on them. People don't like change because it makes them feel insecure. Children find it hardest to cope. They often turn to the weaker parent to support them and if this is the mother there is the added incentive of them trying to dig deeper into a safe place which is home.
People often just do not want to know the rights and wrongs in these situations, you can almost watch their eyes glaze over when you try to tell them. The truth often means nothing to them, they just sit there for a bit in shock wondering how the impact will affect them personally.
There really is no hell like a .... sorry of this sounds sexist. I know someone who treated her husband (my partner)so cruelly (and used sex as a weapon too) that he almost ate and drank himself into an early grave. Even though his plight was obvious and he was in deep depression, his family did not celebrate when he left the marriage, the whole family turned on him.
You should have seen the picture of him as an obese and miserable man. You should see him now. The doctor said he would not have lived more than 5 years as he was, but nobody cares about that and his children are still cruel. Their world has been shocked to the core but even though they are late teenagers they can not see the whole picture and what it would have been like if he had died. All, and I mean all, they can see is that he "abandoned" them.
He could not say how dangerously ill he was to them , because any defenses whatsoever look like excuses to people who will not to see.
You are just going to have to prepare yourself for a tough journey, it is one that I am still on. My man's wife can't understand why he left her, even though she ignored him for 10 years! Read up on "parental alienation" so you can foresee the kinds of reaction that are coming and hang on to your love. It will be worth it, the very best of luck to us both!
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A
female
reader, eternalleroze +, writes (17 January 2007):
eternalleroze is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi nikita,
what i dont understand is also that now she has a bf for the last 2 months , some doctor she has been seeing so she should move on.... not interfere in our lives or our happiness.The kids spent 2 days in 14 days with us , weekends - if they have spent a happy weekend with us she would be jealous and ensure next time they come they are bad tempered and accusing me of being ' the problem '.
My guy is supportive and stands by me but i dont know what this is doing to the kids... and their relationship with him and ofcourse me.
If we visit any of his old friends and she gets to hear of it indirectly then she says nasty things about me to them , and ofcourse to my guy that his friends commented about me being dumb , or stupid or i dunno... stuff like tht , which hurts him , he doesnt say anything cos he wants her to sign... she has kept him hanging for a year and a half...!
My guy feels terrible that for the moment he is isolated from his friends , people he has know for 25 years , its hard losing that...and his family is distant , but he says they have never been very communicative.
I will defenitley take heed to your advice , thanks for taking time to reply to my question...i will keep you updated ...ciao.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 I'd suggest you find some new friends. . . and stay away from his ex. Talk with an attorney. Since she won't sign the divorce papers, there needs to be some guidelines set as to visitation and so forth. She has no right to be in his face or yours. . . or get a restraining order against her. There are legal ways of dealing with her.
As for his family, they are going to believe what they want to believe.
Move on with your lives and leave the rest behind.
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A
female
reader, Nikita +, writes (17 January 2007):
 I feel for you. This is hard, She obviously is determined to hold onto him in some way even if she doesnt want him anymore and its terrible for the children stuck in the middle of all this. You have to retain your dignity and hold your head up. Do not respond to her in any way or give her any reason to attack you, not that she needs a reason by the sounds of it.Its good that the kids are seeing a psychologist so at least they are able to vent out how they feel. It might be useful for you both to see a councellor also for you to get some support in this. Rise above any snide remarks made by her or anyone else. itll take time but eventually, she'll grow bored with it all and hopefully move on with her life. If the abuse grows worse, its worth thinking about getting an injunction of some sort although I realise this could prove difficult regards acssess to the kids but maybe a third party could intermediate in that aspect. It may feel at the moment that everyone is prejudiced against you but in time they'll have to accept you and will see that you are a decent person and only want whats best for him and the kids. Good luck and let me know how it goes.x
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