A
male
age
30-35,
*manmcc
writes:Hey so me and my girlfriend are broken up we were together for 8 years. I moved out so this is very serious.ive been given the old its not u its me excuse but i cant stop but thinking i know exactly what went wrong. i smoked pot all the time and i think this is the main cause. its not that she minded me smoking but it is that i realize now that its what i became after smoking for so many years. I really realize i messed up this relationship horribly i never gave her the things she wanted i was too stoned to go out and have fun, my sex drive was much lower so she probably wasnt getting all that she wanted. when we had sex it was great for both of us but i dont think she got it as often as shed liked. I wouldnt help with resposibilities that i should of, I think she realized she doesnt want her lifelong partner to be this way. i am a really great guy that went down the wrong road but since i lost my soulmate i realize i dont want to be that person anymore. so now what do i do? i really want her back because she is perfect for me and i know i can be perfect for her but the problem is i know she only knows the old me...how can i get her to allow me to show her the new me...i feel if i just engage in "no contact" i will be doomed for sure because someone will give her the things i didnt even if they arent as good of a person as i am. weve been broken up for 2 weeks now but it feels like forever. i just know if i do nothing she will be gone forever i have really been changing my life and not for her, for myself but i cant stop thinking i want her to be part of my life and get married and have kids. how can i show her im a new man in relationships if we arent in one anymore? plz help i think if i dont do anything my soulmate will be gone forever:(
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moved out, sex drive, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): In my opinion the best way to spend time with her would be in a neutral setting, you know? So that it doesn't turn into a sex with an ex scenario and mess things up for you. Breaking up is tough as hell, there's no easy way of doing it and not hving the intimacy is one of the toughest parts to let go of. "Hanging out" alone in her place may turn into something more intimate, which would further complicate the situation.
If she wants to hang out invite for coffee at lunch time in a café and have other things planned for that day so you spend an hour or two together talking etc. and then you can head off and do something else later.
Try and keep a bit of distance but not so much that she thinks you're avoiding her, but also not so close that you fall into a bad routine of satisfying each others urges but not actually being together, that very often has the effect of fucking everything up.
This is your chance to give yourself the life you want and be the person you'd rather be. It's too important that you achieve this for yourself than being with her is. You are your priority OP. OP trust your gut, if it feels like a bad idea then think of an alternative, simple as that. It's okay to be there for her but you have to do so in a way that limits any potential for conflict.
A
male
reader, dmanmcc +, writes (3 February 2012):
dmanmcc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell heres an update already. ive really started to accept she probably will be gone for some time and now shes texting me asking to hang out. i think shes just lonely she is living in our old home right now with basicaly nothing in it. her family isnt a great support group. so what do you think i should do here. i feel kinda like a dick but i feel i should take advantage of this opportunity to show her i am changing already so u know when she is dating other guys she will think of the new me and not the old one...even if i am still in progress of changing i still feel i need an edge so she doesnt just think of the bad times. i still dont plan on getting together i know she needs time and so do i but is it wrong for me to try to get her to fall in love with me even tho i dont plan on getting back together yet?
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Dont' be friends, because she will then put you in the friend zone.
You can do what I had previously said if you wanted to change and show her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): The only way to show her OP is by doing it, being it and being patient. That's it. If you try and focus on proving something to her then you're focusing on the wrong thing.
As I said, quitting weed is only the start, applying for college is only a start. You're only at the very beginning and you don't even know yourself for sure what way this is going to turn out for you.
Just give it time, the only real proof is in being able to see a persons behaviour in the long term. You don't know how you will feel about this in a month, you don't know what effect coming off the weed is going to have. OP it can be very tough mentally giving up such a long habit, it's not a button you can press and reset the clock or change who you are. Be patient, there is no hurry is there?
I don't see why you can't be friends. I wouldn't advise it personally but if winning her back is what you want then you do have to maintain a certain contact. Just make sure you're not a lovey, dovey soppy mess that keeps begging for her to come back or tries to talk about "us". Get on with your life, get some independence, learn some responsibility and fill your life with good things. That's your best chance of winning her back. You have to make being with you attractive to her again and a whiny crying mess is not attractive, so man up and just get on with your life and improve yourself.
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reader, dmanmcc +, writes (2 February 2012):
dmanmcc is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni really have changed for me i know it seems like i would go back to my old ways, but u have no idea how much this opened my eyes. i quit smoking pot because i dont like the person it makes me. I see that i have lost such an amazing person because i was taking her for granted and i regret it so much i could never do that to her again. ive already applied to college so i can get a good job in the future even tho i am unsure about the course im taking but i realize i really need to go to school and i will never be 100% sure exactly what i want to do unless i get into that environment..i just miss my girlfriend so much she was an amazing person and im not saying i will never find someone else but it would be really really hard to find someone as amazing as her i really struck a gold mine when i found her when we were 14. I know you probably think im just an asshole and dont deserve her but i really do. I know it seems very unlikely especially that shes my first relationship and i was her first too. but i just feel it in my heart that this is right and i need to do whatever i can to increase my chances to get her back.I know u think if we get back i would stop moving forward but i know for sure i wouldnt..it would be like a fresh start for us. do you think there would be any harm of us being friends still? because she doesnt have many people in her life and i really think that being friends can help her see that i am changing for the better. she said that she needs to go experience life but i know for sure that its because she didnt want the life we were headed for. believe me i know this had to happen or i would still be smoking pot doing the same old thing but i just know we are meant to be together but if i dont act i feel my first and true love will be gone forever. i dont want to be the guy regreting he never worked hard enough on his first relationship. i just need some advice on how i should go about showing her i am changing without hurting us further other than what i am already doing which is bettering my life. plz help
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): You have a lot of assumptions there OP, you think this and you think that. You don't speak about all these issues like you're certain about them.
YouWish is right OP, 2 weeks is nothing and as far as changing the habits of years there is no chance in hell it will come that quickly and you would be better off doing this on your own and truly for yourself.
OP you're all talk at the moment, don't kid yourself that you're doing this for you, you're doing this to win her back and it's only a happy coincidence it might make you a better person but your overall goal is to get her back not to change.
"I really want her back because she is perfect for me and I know I can be perfect for her but the problem is I know she only knows the old me."
No offence OP but you sound deluded. The old you is still you, being a stoner doesn't change a person that much. I was a stoner for nearly 10 years. All my friends were stoners too. I stopped smoking weed about 5 years ago and it took me years to break the habits of that time because it's not about the weed. I have friends that still smoke it, work 60 hours a week, married with kids, never stop moving and doing stuff. You can blame the smoke for the way you were all you want, you're in for a surprize when you find out some of the things you don't like about yourself are nothing to do with the smoke OP and you can't just change those things over night.
You need to take a time out from all this both the smoking and your ex. If she's any way intelligent there is no way she will take you back until you have proven you have changed and the only way to prove that is to actually have changed and that is going to take time.
Don't go no contact if you don't want to but you really need to stop talking about changing, she's probably heard it all before over and over and if so those words mean nothing to her.
It takes 6 weeks for the withdrawals from weed to subside to a place where you are a bit more balanced mentally (trust me I've done it more than once), add your heartache to that and it's going to be 10 times as tough. Take those 6 weeks, stay away from any stoner friends and sort your head out.
If you want to sort out your life, then it has to be for you and you calling up your ex every 5 minutes to tell her you're changing is not doing it for you and frankly it's juts worthless talk. The proof of the pudding is in the eating OP. So just it, don't talk it. Use the next 6 weeks to get your head together, after 8 years she's not going to be over you in 6 weeks and any guy she does meet will just be a rebound so this gives you time to get your shit together and gives her time to miss you.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Two weeks feels like forever, but it's only a drop in the bucket, and not enough to have really changed. I know you feel very strong emotions that you feel are changing you, but not until you have stopped smoking weed and changed the course of your life with some results can you say that you've changed.
Two weeks isn't enough to change 8 years. You've been going nowhere for 8 years, and two weeks is a drop in the bucket. Right now, your change is in peril and will be derailed if she comes back now. Here's why:
You're raw, and emotionally you feel like you'd move a cathedral with your bare hands to get her back. However, if she were to return, your impetus for ACTUAL change would slowly ebb away. You might have another month of making the effort to change, but once the crisis has fully passed, and she's back with you, 8 years of habits are way too much to resist. Three months later, you and she will be back in the same boat. She'll leave again, and this time you'll feel like it's hopeless.
It's hard, but you have to switch your strategy to the Long Game. For best results, don't immediately try anything to get her back now, because you may succeed, but you're setting yourself up for permanent failure, as well as even derailing your own change.
No, you must let her go for now. Will this mean you may permanently lose her? Yeah, it does. She most likely won't wait for you. However, if you're playing the long game, you must change your focus to profound and permanent change in you. Where are you going in life? What do you want to do? Think about your financial future in terms of investments and savings and getting out of debt now. How about one day becoming a homeowner? What will you do with the extra money you're saving by not smoking weed?
Work on yourself, because telling her you've changed is nothing. You must show her the fruits of your change. If you haven't gone to college yet and are planning to, enroll and enter. If you have quit smoking weed, yet your image reflects one of a slacker, maybe change it to more reflect that you're straightening up and are serious about life. Shaggy unkempt hair and beard, wrinkly unwashed clothes, even the way you walk or carry yourself. I'm not saying not to be yourself, but saying "I've changed" is easy. Changing isn't.
She moved out because you weren't going anywhere. Time to go somewhere. If you're working right now, think about where you want to be in 5 years. I know you want a future with her in it, but the idea is to build the future and hope she's there to be in it, because if you're not thinking of any future unless she's in it, you're setting yourself up to feil.
Good luck...hopefully your change will bring you profound benefit in life.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 February 2012):
There is nothing that you can do right now. As a person who does seem like a good guy, just soemone who couldn't take a hint, you can do the following.
Stop smoking weed, look up the foods that cause you to gain testosterone, since that is what you are defficient in, and start working out.
Also, the weed makes you lazy, if you stopped that, then you should be fine.
Don't drink either, if you do, because that stops testosterone production.
Your partner did not want to be with a pot head that couldn't or wouldn't have sex. She wants aguy that will go to town, not because she wants a good rumping, but because that is a huge part of intimacy and being in a relationship.
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