A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have really liked a man for a long time. He has shown very strong signs before, that he liked me. I was coming out of a long-term relationship and I wasn't ready for anything/gave out confusing signals. I think I unintentionally hurt him, giving him the impression I didn't like him, or was playing games. The truth is I'm just very lacking in confidence with men and was totally confused and doubting the signals he was sending out. I got the strong impression he later realised I am not calculating at all, just pretty clueless with men and was still being affected by a bad relationship.Recently - and I admit I am only able to say this after doing a tonne of research online about signs and signals that men send etc, but it is also based on gut feeling - he has shown lots of "signs" that he really likes me still. For example, he has made a point of telling me that he went away on a short vacation alone (and he hinted that he was semi-miserable doing that alone) and that, whilst he was on that vacation, he found something he thought I would be interested in and wrote down information about it so that he could tell me. He looked quite shy and slightly embarrassed when he told me this. Also, he has offered, many times, to meet me to help me with a project I have to complete for work and which he knows has been exceptionally difficult for me and has worn me out. He generally looks at me like he really likes me/fancies me. He has started to open up about his family members, telling me things that suggest he trusts me with fairly private information. He also talked to me about dating culture and social media, particularly amongst people younger than us - and how he thinks it is negatively affecting young people. I am now really keen to go out with him but I also sense he is the kind of man that will get a boost from taking the lead, so I don't want to make the first move and I'm not sure how I would anyway. I want to encourage him, and I have read online about tips to get a man to ask you out, but none of them seem to feel right / feel too artificial. The only thing I can think of is to ask him to lunch to thank him for helping me with this work project...? I'd actually prefer to go out with him in the evening, but from what I can figure out from online tips, that would be far too obvious and it may not allow him to take the lead? it would maybe be best to thank him appropriately with lunch and then try to show him during that time that I'd love for him to ask me out on a proper date?The problem with this is that I am also very worried that I may have put him off - he knows I have been through an extraordinarily difficult, prolonged period of really bad situations, not just at work but in connection with my family and so on, one after another and none of them my fault. I have not involved him overtly with this, but he is aware there have been difficult situations to sort out, that have now come to an end.I think he admires the way I am trying to deal with it/have dealt with it, but he is also aware that I have become quite exhausted and negative by the end of it all; to be fair, I've asked a friend and she said anyone would be completely worn out with all of the stuff I've gone through and many people would have not been able to deal with it at all, so if he has any sense at all he will see I've dealt with it admirably and just need cheering up and to have some fun with someone kind and lovely. She thinks it is actually the perfect time for him to 'step up', but my self esteem is very low, so I'm not sure.Maybe she is right, but I am also worried I was too open about the fact that it was all upsetting me and he will be aware that my self confidence is not great at all. I know from online tips that you are supposed to seem happy and confident and fun all the time to attract a man. I know other people think I'm pretty, look at least ten years younger than I am and that I actually do have a great sense of humour, but I have been worn out and part of it has been due to lack of a partner and emotional support from a partner - and because I have wanted a relationship with him for quite some time now but have had to deal with so much other stuff first, it's felt quite tortured not just being able to go out with him as I'd like to.I am also worried that, when we talked about young people dating and the role of social media, and he was saying he was aware the whole dating scene had become something of a minefield, I said afterwards, in an email, that I found dating culture really confusing and scary - I am now really annoyed with myself in case this makes it harder for him to ask me out and puts him off. I mean, surely this could be read as a "sign" that someone is saying "don't ask me out, I am scared to date"? In which case I am so angry with myself! Or will he just realise I felt comfortable enough with him to tell him that and was just being honest about not wanting to play games etc? I get so confused about how to act with this kind of stuff and just want to be myself, but then worry that by being too honest I'm being off-putting. I think he does like me though and he hates artificiality and can sense it a mile off. I've thanked him for all his help and complimented him many times and indicated by the way I respond to him that I really, really like him, but I don't want to seem desperate. Now, he is aware I am literally waiting for a work project to be 'signed off' and that, after that, I will have a load more time on my hands. I don't know whether to somehow hint that I'd like to go out with him or wait for him to make a move.Should I be worried I've put him off? Should I do anything at all? Or wait for him to make a move?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2017): Honeypie, thanks so much for your response, it has really helped me - yes, you are right, I should stop worrying in the way that I do - my confidence has had a really bad knock, but I have to get over it sometime.
WiseOwlE I love your response. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lengthy and thoughtful appraisal of the situation! I feel very reassured that you think he has shown his feelings and that they are romantically inclined. You are 'bang on the money' with what you say about me too - I need to get a grip and get a move on or I could lose my chance. Yes, I am over-thinking everything (probably due to having to sort out so many different, complex problems for so long), and yes, you are absolutely right that fear of failure IS failure.Your words have genuinely given me the push I needed - especially when you pointed out that someone else could snap him up - I've now messaged him to say I hope he'll let me get him lunch or dinner or do something nice to thank him for all his help. Let's hope he says "yes"!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): Sweetie, stop and take a long deep breath. Inhale...hold it...hold it...now slowly exhale!
You are the dictionary definition of "over-thinking." I know what you look like; because I looked it up in my Webster, and saw your picture! Quite a nice illustration!
Girlfriend, your mind is way too busy! We men are simple. Trying to figure us out is unnecessary. It's also impossible; because you can't think like a man. So you have to follow your instincts. You're getting to know this man; so just go with that. He is slowly revealing more about himself; because he wants to get to know you better. I sense that's in a romantic-way! So do you!
Stop your silliness! Get a grip! Must people always resort to dwelling on their problems and issues; in avoidance of seeking some simple joy and happiness?!! Life is too damned short!!! When a blessing comes your way, acknowledge it! God is generous, He loves giving them away! If it turns out he's a curse instead? Oh well, that's life!
If you come-out on the other-side of problem or a crisis alive, that's a victory! That means you are a survivor, and what challenges you only makes you smarter and stronger!
I think your male-friend has been very concise; and his signals come across pretty clearly.
Stop thinking in terms or "having a relationship;" and get through dating and courtship first! First comes the date, then more dates. You learn to like each other more, things progress, then love manifests itself. Then things progress to the next level. So on and so forth! You've gotta take the first-step first! No leaping or jumping allowed!
Women tend to put the cart before the horse. Looking into the future, and overlooking the present. Worrying how much he cares; but allowing doubt to be the obstacle he can't get around. I mean seriously?!!
Worry about what happens in the future when you cross that bridge! You ladies, are always dreaming about bridal-gowns and the alter; before you even get through the first date! Trying to figure-out ways to snag the guy. Before you know enough about him to know why? Then once you know he is really interested; you waste his time, as you repeatedly go over your long list of insecurities. Instead of putting your best foot forward. Fixing your faults, and doing your best.
Looking for soulmates (Ugh! I hate that word), protection, perfect-love, and a long-term relationship.
All that good stuff deserves something equally as good in return. Reciprocity and equal-support should go to any good man who's able to deliver. I've had my wings broken a few times before. God help me, I can still fly!
Okay, I concede...I know women have unique problems. Hello, men are human beings! We've got them too! Well, human beings have a sense of logic, intellect, and understanding. We use it learn, to solve problems, and to apply what we've learned. With age and experience, we are supposed to accumulate wisdom. Wisdom and common-sense is how we navigate through life. Life is not supposed to be easy, or we wouldn't need brains! The heart is not to supposed to think for us, just notify us when love is present. That's the only time you let your heart have its way! You bend it to your will, and teach it when it is time for it to shut-up!
All men aren't devils! Just because women are more attracted to them, and always pick them first! Well, they'll teach you or defeat you! We go through a few she-devils as well, and it can make us better men or bitter men. Stupidity uses makes us chose the wrong route or give-up easily.
Manage and regulate your doubts and insecurities. Propagate your self-esteem, and rebuild your self-confidence. Be a work in progress, at all times; and make self-maintenance a lifelong venture. My favorite professor said: "Keep learning and living until you die!" That's why I love that guy!
You're an adult. Everybody has challenges to get through; so learn to cope and deal with them. Stop being problematic by letting them overrule and overwhelm you. You're a grown-woman. Adult-life has sadness and joy. It's a balance.
Men are not self-esteem factories or bandits of your self-love. We don't give either to women. That's home-grown. We don't take it from you, you give it away. You are responsible for your choices and tastes. We all make mistakes, then we correct them. Strength comes from not allowing it to happen.
Always be a work in progress, and learn from mistakes. Don't just give-in to them! The past has to go, so we can move forward. People are only human, so we sin. Randomly, somebody will always hurt you. Accidentally, or on purpose. Such is life! You will also hurt others. Sometimes out of vindictiveness. No one is immune to these traits. We all want to be forgiven. We don't always deserve it.
When we're getting older, and constantly ruminate on all the hell of our past...life seems a lot shorter, and bitter. We become cynical and overcautious. Life becomes gross and stagnant. Can you feel it?
Sometimes you have to categorize and prioritize out problems; and deal with them one by one. If they keep cropping-up, get a spiritual-life. Pray and ask from help from above. We don't need therapy for everything; and there is a Higher Power. If you don't believe in any god? Good luck winging it alone, without anything good, or bigger than yourself, to believe in! That's where hopelessness and emptiness comes from. So sad!
He has already taken the lead; and he has offered you his time and assistance. He needs your feedback, dammit!!! Enough with coyness and dancing around! Go get your man!
You're too busy letting insecurity and past-drama overrule your life. You've always got something getting in your way. You say you read all this stuff about dating men and such. When do you put anything into practice?
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Opportunities come and go. They don't sit around waiting; while you twiddle your thumbs and wring your hands. Or worse, sit on them! Wake up!!!
Life is lived by living it. You take risks in the pursuit of happiness. You won't know the outcome, until you actually do something. Fear of failure, IS failure. It's avoidance of attempting something, unless you can predict what's going to happen. We'd still be in the Stone Age if everybody in the past thought that way.
You're not perfect...newsflash...neither is he! He has his own family-issues, insecurities, flaws, quirks, and human imperfections. Now you're making yourself another excuse to delay by telling yourself you must have put him off.
Let all I've written give you a push. He's single and available. He's going to get tired of you and your mess, sweetheart. Some lucky lady is going to come along and snap him up! While you're trying to figure-out the meaning of life.
If you're a good cook. Make that man a fabulous meal, get a bottle of good wine, flowers for the table, and have a nice quiet evening together. Show him some appreciation for his time and concern; and put all the worrying behind you. You're being such a worry-wart, while time is ticking away!
Shutout the world, and have a lovely evening between only the two of you.
Girlfriend, don't make me have to buy a ticket to come to the UK to drag you two together! It won't be pretty!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 I think asking him out for lunch as a "thank you for the help" is a very good start.
I think you generally worry too much about something you absolutely CAN NOT control (how he thinks and feels).
So ASK him out for lunch. Sure you rather have a nice date dinner but that will HAVE to wait until you both kind of know where you stand. I would at the end of the lunch tell him HOW much you enjoyed sharing a meal (if it was a nice lunch) and suggest you go out again for a meal. But try to be subtle about it.
And TRY to say what you mean and mean what you say. You COULD elaborate over the lunch what you find so scary and/or interesting about the dating climate of today.
Anf TRY not to read to much into EVERY little thing that he does. Make it a nice lunch with no expectations. IF he asks you out (again you CAN try and prompt him to do so) then TAKE it slow. Let it happen a bit more organically instead of second-guessing his every move.
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