A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a long distance relationship that is about to finally close within the next year.My boyfriend is well educated and well off.I'm still in school, and in a different country. We're planning on getting married. However, my education does not translate to anything over there as it is only a license... I'm sticking with it because if we come back to my country then I'll have a nice job.But over there, I'll be stuck doing jobs that likely don't bring enough money. There is just such a huge gap in education and income level that it makes me feel lesser than him.He is well aware of this fact and says he doesn't care, he just wants me with him.My fear is, dependency. I've always been an independent person in my own country, and now I may have to become dependent on my hopefully soon to be husband. He brings in enough money for the both of us, but still. And I don't want to be seen as just another "housewife" or female who relies on her husband. Please don't take offense to this, its just how I personally feel.This bothers me quite a bit. Is anyone in this situation? How do you cope?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 August 2016):
 I can totally understand your point of view, the only advice I can give to you is to try it out and see if it works for you. It is okay not to want to be a housewife or a kept woman, believe me I would be the same. But the reality is if you want to live over there with him then you may not be as independent as you like. You really need to discuss this in details before you head over, like who is going to pay for the bills and accommodation? Ask what he expects you to pay. Also you can look over there for work, you may not make much money but you can make some that will buy you somethings that you want but don't want to ask for. Talk to your man and ask what is expected from you and talk it through. Remember if it does not work you can always come back to your country.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (13 August 2016):
 I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and I'd have (and will have) difficulty with that too. Distance isn't an issue in my relationship, but time is. I make a good salary but work very long and odd hours to get it and the time commitment is a huge and ongoing source of stress in my relationship (engaged to partner of 4 years). The understanding is that when we are married I will find a new job if I want to have one (my partner makes more for less work hours, and has more years invested at his job).
Like you I value my independence very highly and feel that this is a big leap of faith to make, and if I'm honest it's a big reason why I'm hesitant to move forward with concrete wedding plans. If I want anything other than a minimum-wage job after we're married, I'll have to go back to school to retrain for one. Otherwise I will be dependent on my (future) husband for everything. Like your partner, he says he is more than willing to take care of me. Like you, I was raised to want more from life than housework.
I think you are very wise to finish your schooling so that you DO have a backup plan if things don't work out in his country, or if the relationship itself does not work out. One of the things that bothers me most about my own situation is that should things not work out in the long term, it will be difficult if not impossible for me to get my old job back, or even a job in the same field.
What you should NOT do is let yourself feel lesser than your boyfriend just because his country doesn't recognize your program of study. You are motivated, educated in your own right, and have made the effort to stand on your own two feet, which it sounds like you are doing currently without assistance from him.
I can tell you what I'm doing - saving up to go back to school and retrain for a different job so that I can continue to work in a career that interests me after marriage - but I doubt you want to get out of school and go right back into more school and possibly more student debt. Ultimately, however, I do think you will want to be able to find fulfilling work in your boyfriend's country if you go there, lest it become a source of bitterness and resentment in your relationship/marriage. Definitely investigate what your options there will or would be if you make the move. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised, or maybe there is some sort of add-on or transitional schooling you can enroll in to convert your license to something recognized in his country too?
Also, is there a reason your boyfriend can't or won't join you in your own country? If he's well-educated he may be able to come to the US (as shown on your post) on an H-1B visa tied to work he finds here. He would have to line up the job in order to get the visa, but it's definitely possible to do. One of my ex-boyfriends is a Canadian citizen with a university degree and he has held multiple jobs here in the States because there was a shortage of qualified US citizens seeking work in his field of study. If your boyfriend's education is accepted both places and yours is only accepted here, it would make more sense for him to be the one that does the moving. In your shoes that's a subject I'd consider bringing up.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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