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male
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anonymous
writes: Today my girlfrind of approximately 10 months has decided we need a break for a week. (At the moment we can only see each other on weekends anyway as it's uni holidays and we live in different towns). She says she is very confused at the moment and isn't sure how she feels. I love her and I'm really worried that after the week it will end. It came about this weekend when I went to the beach with her and her family. The first night there I was a bit too persistant in bed, and she wasn't comfortable having sex with her family in the house. (note that i did give up, but i admit that i should have given up sooner).The next day we had an argument about it and i was anstonished at how quickly the argument escalated. Me pressuring her (which i admit was really wrong) reminded her of how she lost her virginity a couple of years ago. I dont know much about the incident, as i hadn't met her at the time, but i know that she was heavily pressured and it also happened at the beach at about the same time of year (those details came up in the argument).I know i'm a jerk for what i did, but i do love her and i'm terrified to think that she no longer loves me. She said today that she doesn't know how she feels, but she did admit that she thinks these feelings were very much brought on over the weekend. I want to respect her wishes and not call her during the week, but i'm planning on going to her home town at the end of the week instead of talking over the phone.Does that sound like a good idea, and do you think she might end it? This next week is going to be agony, but i'm hoping with every fibre of my being that we'll be able to work through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006): Hey, I was in a similar situation, but it was my bf who tried laying it on too thick--listen, if she had a bad experience her first-time she's going to associate those bad feelings with you, especially if you act like her ex...respect her wishes THIS TIME (and all times following it) and DON'T contact her unless she wnats you to---because she'll just see it as another way you defied her wishes and went against what SHE WANTED. Maybe you didn't know the details before because she never talked about it because it was really PAINFUL for her and having to almost go back to that bad place where she was put into a corner sexually, but you know now, and if you love her, you ahve to do whatever she wishes because this is very thin ice you're skating on. I understand why she would ask for a break, but I think she just got shocked by what happened or was bombarded by all these bad memories, but if I was in her position I would wnat some time to think by myself and just calm down..I think this will blwo over, but don't EVER pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do--there's a reason why she isn't with her ex, and everyone remembers their first time and if it was frightening or non-consensual, then it makes it an even more vivid memory to relive all over again...this time with someone she loved...DO NOT ever do something like this again--she is your girlfriend and no matter how badly you wnat her, you need to abide by her wishes--losing her virginity in a forceful way IS a big deal to her and she'll remember that all the time..don't repeat the same mistakes that first jackass made, and make her feel terrible about having sex with you. After this, ask her permission before you touch her--be a gentlemen--let this be the first and last time anything forceful goes on between the two of you. When she's ready to talk to you about the details, she'll talk, but if you don't know the whole story, don't push it and DON'T push for physical intimacy. You need to gain back her trust and make her not scared to be with you because an incident like this can damage a relationship--are you willing to risk it for something that she doesn't want to do? Almost everything was like the last time she was forced into sex down to the scenery, so don't contact her unless she tells you she wnats to talk to you, then you guys can talk, you can apologoze and move on with ur lives happily, NOW that you know, DON'T ever try anything like this again.
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female
reader, beenthere +, writes (29 January 2006):
you didn't mean for things to happen this way. she should have calmed down at the end of the week but i'd suggest you wait a while for her to call. if she doesn't, then you should call her, even if it's just to find out the situation. i wouldn't suggest going to see her without warning.
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