A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Please, for the love of god, don't judge what I'm about to say. I'm already beating myself up over this. I just need advice on how to handle the situation and possibly get rid of these damn dreams. I just really want a fresh start with my brain this year.A little over two years ago, my now fiance and I started distancing ourselves from each other (long story short, it has to do with a decision that we made a year prior and I guess it didn't start eating at us until later). It was just bad times and it all culminated in the first weekend of last October. I nearly killed myself; not on purpose, my body and mind were under so much stress and hurt that I simply could not eat or sleep, even if I wanted to. Unfortunately, my body tends to have those self-destructive behaviors when I'm feeling any emotion to the extreme.Well, during all of that, I was texting a friend of mine from high school. A lot. I thought it was an emotional affair because I was starting to get worried that he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore considering the fact that I had a fiance. Looking back on the texts (my fiance never asked to see the texts but I would show them to him anyway to prove that I wasn't cheating), I was talking to this other guy as if he was my best girl friend. We just talked about life and work in general, that's it.Well, my fiance and I went on a break during that first weekend in October, the decision was mutual as he, as well, thought he needed to explore himself and well, other women. He claims that I'm the woman who took his virginity but I still think his ex did (that's a long story in itself). I guess he's always felt cheated in that way but I've told him that it's not my fault that I've had one more partner than he's had. It just worked out that way.It's so unfortunate that this other guy is a nice guy as well. Well, maybe not so much considering he went along with all the bullshit. I really should have stopped it and I didn't; because I'm pretty sure I was falling for him. (Yeah, no shit, I know.) Well, that weekend, we met up in person and we made out twice. It was all terrible and I felt disgusted with myself. I'm NOT the person to cheat. I really, truly am not. I have references that I am a good, faithful woman. I confessed to my fiance right away (literally, I drove from the place from which the other guy and I met up to where I knew my fiance would be (at a bar)).We talked about it (he was drunk) and he told me that he knew it would happen and that he would never hold it against me because we were on a break. He said, while in his inebriated state, that he could not accept my actions as cheating otherwise he would have to break up with me, so he would 'let it go'.I ceased communication with the other guy altogether for a month after that when my fiance asked me if I was still talking to him. I said no and he got a little angry. I asked him why and he said because if I have to cease communication then he knows he can't trust me. He knows that I did fall for him. So, I started texting him again... but the other guy never texted back. I'll admit, I was relieved. I thought for sure that he was never going to talk to me again and I was completely fine with that. And then he texted me a few days ago asking for my address because he's going to send my fiance and I a Christmas present. I have no idea what to expect and my fiance is skeptical as well. I'll guess we'll see what happens.Basically, should I stop beating myself up over this? My fiance has never strayed, even during our 'break'. He actually never talks about any of this, I'm always the one bringing it up and I know I shouldn't. But now I'm having constant dreams about this other guy and they usually consist of me either yelling at him to get the hell away from me or making out with him.What the hell do I do!?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 January 2015):
 Do you think you should marry your fiancé?
Just because you got engaged, doesn't mean you should marry him. You are so worried, and miserable, and you keep bringing up kissing another guy for some reason or other. Not that life is a cake walk, or that a relationship doesn't need work. But at some point you got to ask yourself whether you're trying to save this relationship because you want to be with him, or just because you will feel like you have somehow failed if you don't.
No one is judging you. Not even your boyfriend is. I know there is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship, but you and him went on a break for a reason, and you are beating yourself up about this for a reason too, but perhaps not the one you tell yourself.
You're repeating this story to yourself, as if you're telling yourself you are a bad person for kissing another guy. But to me, it sounds a lot more like you are actually beating yourself up for staying in a relationship you don't want to be in. You fell for someone else. It might be one thing that you didn't cheat, and that no one blames you. But you, within your heart, know that you developed feelings for someone else. Knowing this, you are having doubts that your fiancé is the one for you. Rightful doubts.
So I am asking you, do you actually want to marry this guy? No one is going to force you. No one is going to judge you if you end it. Don't stick around in the relationship, if your heart isn't in it. Your heart left the relationship back then... and I am taking a wild guess here, but it sounds like your heart didn't return to the relationship, even if you discovered that other guy wasn't who you wanted.
I think your dreams are telling you that you need to focus on WHY you wanted to kiss someone else, why you let yourself fall for someone else... Not focus on WHO you kissed, but the fact that you emotionally left your relationship. Willingly. Freely. Because you wanted to. And now you are forcing yourself to stay in a situation that you tried to escape once before. For what... to keep the label of "the good girl"? To feel like you didn't fail? To keep up some "perfect relationship" charade?
It's ok if you don't want to marry him. I think you need to tell yourself that. Then make your decision after thinking about whether you WANT to marry him, or whether you feel OBLIGED to marry him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): If you told your fiance about what happen immediately and he hasn't brought it up since, what's the problem?
Maybe your fiance is right, you do have feelings for the guy and you are afraid you can't behave yourself with him.
Because you've cheated, are you now afraid you can't control your feelings toward the other guy? You acted on an impulse. You didn't have actual sex. Or did you? Did you leave out any details that are still eating at you?
If not, the issue has been dealt with. All your fiance wanted was transparency and he didn't want you to feel you had to sneak around to talk to this guy. There may have been an ulterior motive behind encouraging you to contact the guy. That's a little strange, I have to admit.
However; there is something that concerns me! Self-destructive behavior?
"Unfortunately, my body tends to have those self-destructive behaviors when I'm feeling any emotion to the extreme."
The way you described this highly emotional episode where you nearly died. There's a lot missing here. That is a strong indication that you need to have your mental-health evaluated. You didn't mention what developed from that incident. There had to have been a diagnosis of some kind of emotional disorder. That may explain all your anxiety and worry over the cheating issue. Feeling so guilty over something you've fully confessed and was forgiven over, doesn't make any sense. Are you on medications at this time for anxiety, bipolarity, schizophrenia, or depression? Have you skipped doses?
You can't get around that. No one goes into that kind of state of mind and jeopardizes their health, unless there are mental-health issues that need attention. I think you should seek therapy if this has occurred more than once. I fear it's going to happen again, if you're continuously anxious!
That doesn't normally happen to anyone. There's something wrong. OP's often leave out the fact they have been diagnosed for mental disorders to avoid being judged. No one here on DC will judge you for an illness.
The only reason your guilt is so profound; is that you are afraid that you may have feelings for the other guy. Your fiance has been so good about it, (maybe in your mind, too good about it) that he makes you feel like you're under a microscope. That he is always watching for signs of unfaithfulness.
Perhaps that is his passive-aggressive way of tangling you up. Sounds like mind-play. Plant a seed and see if it grows. I guess it has. You feel obligated to prove that you have no feelings. In reality, maybe you have a little attraction to the guy. That's normal, my dear. You've had a long-time crush. You did deliberately place yourself in a situation where cheating was inevitable. You also did the right things about it. You told your finance and gave him the option whether or not to break the engagement.
You need to forgive yourself. You're fixated on this whole issue and trying too hard to convince your fiance you aren't attracted to someone. YOU'RE HUMAN!!!
You're not in-love with the guy, you had a momentary lapse in judgement, made-out during a time you were highly vulnerable, and that's that. You confessed it, and it is out in the open. Now it is time you let it die. If the guy sends you both a present, just graciously accept it, and let bygones be bygones.
If your boyfriend isn't tripping about it and forgave you, what's your problem? Perhaps you do need the counseling and therapy I've suggested. The lingering anxiety and guilt you're feeling over this really isn't necessary, nor healthy.
You're not ready for marriage; until you have undergone a full mental-health and medical evaluation, and get a clean bill of health. You may be over-thinking all of this, and it's going to make you sick!
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