A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I really like this guy that I talk to over Facebook. I've known him for about a year and a half and we immediately clicked when we first started to talk to each other. During the summer, we both confessed that we really really liked each other. We didn't want anyone knowing that we wanted to date in the summer so this relationship is in secret. It's not forbidden but we feel that we would be over-analysed if we made it public. We wanted to date but it's not possible because he's got so many exams in the future and so have I. I really want to know where I am with him in this relationship because I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. It's always me who always starts the conversation on Facebook but on the rare occasion that we are able to see each other, he always starts the conversation and it's amazing talking to him face to face because I can see that he really likes me but I'm confused about where this relationship will go.I know and understand that when we both go to university in about 2 years time, we'll be separated but I really want our relationship to continue into this summer where we can see each other more often with no one knowing and see where it takes us. I want to finally decide whether it's worth starting that conversation to start grinning like a fool for 2 hours or frowning if he won't continue the conversation but won't admit that he's tired. Am I the one who's over-analyzing or is this relationship slowly taking off or is it not gonna happen from the start? My only fear is giving time and attention to a boy who doesn't reciprocate my feelings (which are still as strong as the ones I had last summer) because what I don't want is to waste time.What should I do? (I appreciate any help or advice you give me, Thank you) :)
View related questions:
facebook, mixed messages, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): Thank you for your advice and I'm sorry for not explaining things properly and I thought I would firstly clear up a few questions :)1) He is 17. He's currently doing his A-Levels and he has mock exams three times every academic year in his school. He's just done one so he has two more sets to go for the academic year (till July). I am currently doing my GCSEs and I'm in the year below him but we're not in the same school.2) We are seeing each other in secret as he holds a very important position with the judging panels for competitions for army cadets. He was the first one to suggest keeping the relationship a secret because he is scared that he would lose his position if he were judging/marking me and then be accused of having favouritism just because I'm there competing. I know how hard he worked for that position in the panel and I don't him to risk losing it because it means a lot to him.You're right to say that I would say that both of us wanted to keep the relationship a secret but if he didn't say it first, I would've said that anyway. I want to keep the relationship in secret as well as my mum doesn't approve that much of ‘boys in the lower class’, which considering that she is a ‘higher-middle class woman’ (as she likes to call it) it’s pretty rude.However, she did meet him once by chance when I was being picked up from the Summer Camp and seemed to like him until the car journey back home when she said that he was 'spineless' (it was only my mum and I in the car). I replied with 'how can you judge someone who is spineless when you've only met them for 2 minutes?'. She didn't reply and the rest of the journey was awkward. 3) For your comment on exams and how busy we are: We are both aiming for extremely ambitious and competitive careers-we both want to go into medicine. To achieve this, we need to get mostly A*s and As (although preferably A*s). At the current rate of competitiveness, it takes blood, sweat and tears to get the high grades, complete the adequate number of hours for work experience and have an application that will be a strong contender against the thousands of other applicants who want to get into a good university for medicine.4) I think that because we may or may not be achieving a full developed relationship, I think I’m using Facebook a lot to compensate. With the advice given by the aunties, I realise that (and thank you for helping me with that) I would ideally like him to act the way that he does in person on Facebook. I would definitely reciprocate if he did this and act the same because currently, I feel like on Facebook (where we usually talk) I am the one giving the full interest by asking him questions and being there for him and sometimes he answers with a closed conversation answer ‘yes’ and then won’t answer back and will occasionally reciprocate over Facebook and ask me how I’m doing. On the other hand, I could be terrible at picking up the hints on Facebook (for example, him being tired but then if he won’t say that, how do I know that I've assumed correctly?) I think that I’m also slightly worried that he doesn't answer my messages as he would when we are face-to-face.5)I know that in the end, the secret has more of a chance of getting out. And if it does, I don't know what will happen. It would most likely be endless teasing from my friends and his friends as well (not to mention the gossip). The only I think I am scared of is what people who have tried to go out with him will say or what the adults will say as he is a panelist because as I have mentioned above, he worked really hard for the post and I don’t want to ruin it for him.I hope that explains/answers everything! Thank you for the advice :D (Sorry for the length)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): You have to explain why you're seeing each other in secret.
Unless you're not supposed to be dating; what do you mean by "we would be over-analysed if we made it public?." Seriously?!! That makes no sense at all. Is he of a different race, religion, or much older than you?
Who's idea was it to keep it secret? You'll say you both did, but I want to know who decided first? You're leaving out certain details and your reason that he has a lot of exams is a weak excuse. If he's between 16-17, or is he? If he's your same age, how can you both have so many exams, if you're not even in university yet? You only have so many exams over the course of an entire school year. You're not graduate students or working on doctorates.
How much does he have to do to convince you that he likes you when he comes to see you and spends whatever spare time he does have all with you? Can you explain how you want him to reciprocate your feelings? What is it that you want him to do that he isn't doing?
If you want him to come see you more often, that's hard to do when you have to do everything in secret. Maybe that makes him feel he shouldn't take it too seriously. What happens if the secret gets out? If I had to sneak around to see someone, I wouldn't be able to show a lot of feelings for them. I don't like hiding what I do. I want to live my life in broad daylight. Maybe he does too!
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (2 January 2015):
It might help the aunties on here if you explain why your relationship needs to be kept under wraps. Yes, it can be a little embarrassing to have people gossiping about you (even in a good way) but gossips tire easily once things become old news
To be honest, it's very hard for a relationship to grow or develop properly if it's kept secret for months and months. Especially if you don't get much of an opportunity to spend much one-on-one time together either.
Since you guys aren't dating - there isn't really a relationship. It's just two people who fancy each other who chat on the computer regularly.
...............................
|
