A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how clearly I can explain this because it doesn't make that much sense to me but i'll try my best.A lot has happened during the last 5 years of my relationship, he has cheated on me a few times, broken up and gotten back ...the usual teenage drama. Anyways, during the times that we broke up I met someone who reminded me what it was like to be adored, respected and cared for but it was so complicated because i was not over my ex and he was most definately not ready for a relationship cause he had things to work on himself. I ended things with him pretty rashly and I pushed him as far away from me as i could.. i think i was scared i might have actually been able to love him.. a lot.. and i have trust issues from my ex..Anyways, I got back with my ex and we've been together since, he has been the perfect bf i've always wanted him to be but every now and then.. when I least expect it, that guy comes to mind and it's been 2 years! I really feel like i've missed out on being happy because I was too weak to walk away when i could have.. Now, i feel like the selfish bitch who made my bf change for me but i'm not entirely sure if it'll ever be enough or if I even love him anymore..This has been going on for so long that I just feel so empty and lost, my life feels so uncertain but constraint at the same time =( I don't want to make the same mistakes as my parents who are 60 and still in a relationship which they clearly aren't happy in..Please tell me what to do.
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): Aww bless ya, of course your not a bad person and you shouldn't feel selfish because you sound quite the opposite actually. you sound just like how i use to be. life is to short for setterling and i think that you will regret staying in the relationship years to come. It's an impossible standard to live upto being in this situation because you know deep down that it's not enough for you now you have met that other person. Your boyfriend could go and live in a hostel if he's stuck for a place to live and he they can rehome him, buy why would he want to do that when he's got it cushy with you.Don't let him make you feel bad for anything because it's all just part of the game plan to make you feel guilty so your in the kind of perdicument ur in now, but he know how it makes you feel and doesn't care about putting his own needs above yours because he wouldn't do it to you. Don't feel guilty thought because it's your life and you shouldn't feel bad about putting yourself first. At the end of the day you have every right to change your mind and if your boyfriend truly loves and cares about you then he will want you to be happy, Wether that's with or without you. A man that doesn't really care like he should, wouldn't mind making you unhappy for his own needs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has never laid a hand on me but he has not verbally abused me nearly as often.. I really think he hasn't cheated or flirted but I just don't know what to do anymore..
He lives with me and he has big family drama ( he wouldn't have anywhere else to go)
I feel so selfish because I made him change and now, i don't know how I feel anymore. Does that make me a terrible person? because I could have walked away before..
I feel so guilty for thinking of this other guy (who i haven't even spoken to for 2 years!)
But thanks so much for the advice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): Oh ok, i think i can understand your situation really well now. Your in an abusive relationship and you have come to your sences. Well thank god you have realised before it's to late and you are married with his baby.
No your parents, will not understand what he's like because abusive men are very charming, so to the rest of the world he probably seems lovely, but their have not seen the reall him. Abusive men are very clever and manipulative, so they are not going to show people what their really like behind closed doors. They wouldn't be able to get away with what they are doing. I seriously advice you to Google search abusive relationship, because that will help you understand your situation better like it did for me.
I was in a long time, metal/emotional/verbal abusive relationship and i could understand it so much better when i researched it. Abusive men do not change, they just get better at getting into your head and manipulating the situation. you said so yourself, he doesn't shout at me as much, is he is still abusing you if he is shouting at you. Just because he's not beating you to a pulp does not mean to say he's not being abusive and no amount of abuse is ok!
You say he's not fliring and cheating on you anymore but id bet my life savings on it, that he's doing it behind you back because people like that don't change either. look at ashely Cole. he's just putting on a better front to fool you.
I don't think you truly love your boyfriend because you probably wouldn't feel this way. He's probably killed your love by treating you bad. This is not phase at all. your feeling anger and resentment because he's done you wrong so at a deep level you know you don't want to be with him but in your mind, you don't feel like you have a reason to. not be with him now he is supocedly being a better boyfriend, but in my opinion he's not because he shouldn't be shouting at you what so ever.
well i think it's a good thing you are feeling this way and i would be more concerned if you didn't feel how you felt now because if you didn't feel resentment and anger then it would be like saying all the horrible treatment would be ok. you would not be reacting this way now wich would be concerning.
You don't need a reason to split with your boyfriend other than how you feel, so i think you need to straight out say how you feel and end the relationship. put yourself first and your parents will want you to be happy so tell them everything and how you feel. Chanse are they probably don't know you feel this way.
Good luck and i hope everything works out for you. Think of yourself and put your own needs first, because it's your life and your not responsible for anyone else's happiness
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend has stopped cheating, stopped flirting and doesn't yell at me nearly as often.
He lives with me now for nearly a year now and my parents love him(but they dont know the full story) and have mapped out our lives together.. to have kids in a few years and buying us a house for when we get married !
This really scares me because i don't really know what i want and everyone is just mkaing plans for me..
I used to always know that whatever he did, i'd be there for him and love him but it doesn't really feel that way anymore, i'm either silent or angry at him and I know he notices..
Could it just be a phase?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): you already have the answer, you just need to look within! It sounds like you have already made your mind up but you need someone to give you the go ahead.well go ahead! i think your quite right, to want more than to just settle. I think that person, came into your life for a reason. I think he came along to show you what kind of relationship you could have if you don't settle. That person, is not in your life anymore, but don't feel bad, he served his purpose.Your current boyfriend had the chanse to love and cherris you and he blew it. It to little, to late. Don't be with him, for his sake because no way would a man do that for a women. If your not 100% into him then your just setterling and i don't think you are trufuly or you would not have posted this question on dear cupid.Lifes to short and your not responsible for his happiness. Follow your gut feeling because it's never wrong! good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 When you said you made your boyfriend change, does that mean stopping his cheating ways, or some personality make over? Did the cheating happen out of the blue or after some argument that made him think it was over? What you are missing here is fun with your boyfriend. Do something that reminded you of the good days at the beginning. Try to stop yourself from thinking what's going to happen in the future, or comparing other people's relationships in the past. Just focus on the moment. I know how crazy it feels when your brain is flooded with thoughts but you can tell yourself that's okay. Accept that pain is actually a healing process, and this is what you need to go through at the moment. I think your relationship with your boyfriend is still unfinished.
...............................
|
