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female
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*JFan
writes: Me and my boyfriend have recently started going out, only for a month, but we've fallen in love with each other. He has 2 children, 5 and 3, and he was going to go back to his ex wife, for the children, but said he wasnt happy in that relationship, and would have stayed just for the kids. He's missed seeing his kids a few times when hes been with me, and once i went with him to meet his kids and it was a disaster, it was to soon for us, but it meant a lot for him for me to come so i went. But then i found i was in the way, as he didnt want to overwhelm them and include me in the day, for some reason i was so hurt and angry, and i shouted at him in front of everyone in the street and his kids saw, i was holding his sons birthday cake and i left it on the side and somone took it, when i went back it was gone, and i feel so terrible. I said some bad things to him, and dealt with the whole situatioon wrong, i said he has kids and has baggage, and i didnt care to shout in front of them as i dont care what anyone thinks plus im not their mother, i felt terrible guilt and never meant any of it. I just was hurt and angry, hes forgiven me, and understands why im upset as we had another argument later. Now ive messed everythin up and cant see his kids for a few years until they forgot about me, as right now if they saw me again so soon, they would see me as the horrible crazy lady that shouted. When his kids dont get to see him, they cry and i feel so guilty, and his ex gets upset to that he didnt come down, i really want him to have that relationship with them, he should really be living with them, and needs to see them nearly everyday or move closer to them. I feel as they get older especially they will need to see him more and more, and hes gonna see me even less, i dont know wot to expect in this kinda relationship, and coz ive messed things up, ive made it harder. What can i expect in a relationshop where my partner has children? Is there any tips for me? I really wanna make it work coz i love him. How can i make it work? What could i do, and what could i expect to make this work? I dont think we should tell his kids or his ex about me just yet, maybe in a year or so. Is that right? Im also scared that im gonna feel im in the way, or feel left out, or even worse, get jelous that hes gonna need to spend more time with his kids than me, and therefore would forget about me. I really dont want that. I want his kids to like me and see me as their aunty or big sister, and i would really like his ex to like and approve of me, i dont wanna get in the way, or get jelous of their relationship, how could i also stop that from happening? Hope you can help.
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female
reader, MJFan +, writes (6 July 2007):
MJFan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, have you got any mor advice for me on what more to expect, im worried that he may go back to his ex wife for the kids, like they may bond more with things like parents evening, and when he needs to be more involved in their life with things like that eg school plays etc, and then where do i fit it, and how should i act? they may develop their relationship more and spend more time together, with the kids, and the kids would bring them back together. Im scared that il have my heart broken. He does provide me with loads of love, affection, and support, but im so scared il mess it all up again, i dont wanna do this. His kids are still young, but they saw me in that state, and i was wondering when would be a good time to see them again, i hope they forget that i did that, and dont remember me from last time, so then i can try and start again, and maybe they could see me, not as a step mom, as that may sound threatening, but more of an aunty or big sister. Im so worried, please help. x
A
female
reader, MJFan +, writes (6 July 2007):
MJFan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi just to reply to the answer to my question, he does provide me with loads of love and support i never met anyone that loves me so much. I know his kids should come first, i wasnt really jelous, but just felt left out and in the way, so thats why i knew it was to soon for me to spend the whole day with them, and it all went wrong when i flipped out, but every weekend he sees them, and i encourage him to. But i do wanna be with him, and make it work, i just hate myself for reacting in that way, even though he shouldnt have introduced me so soon he really wanted me to meet them, but i should have just left quietly and then discussed it with him afterwards without the kids there. Anyway, let me know of more advice.
x
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A
female
reader, carebearer  +, writes (2 July 2007):
Hi, it does seem to be one tough situation you are in. I dont have any children and because of how volatile a situation it is Ive decidednot to date any men with kids. Mainly because Im not at that stepmom stage of life.
It makes me wonder if you may also be someone who isnt suited to dating men with kids, especially as you sound abit jealous and still a little immature. Actions like flipping out and leaving birthday cakes arent an option when kids are concerned. Thats why you behaved how you did cos, you've probably never had to think so much for other people.
I fully understand why you were so upset, you felt as though the set up you have with your lover is threatned by the kids, and to an an extent it kind of is, cos his kids come first. Dont take all the blame though, your lover should have known that 1 month is far too soon to introduce you to his children. It was a pretty selfish thing to do, and it left you, and the kids feeling rotten.
There's also the uncertainty of whether he will return to his wife (albeit with the excuse of the kids). Aparently that often does work and the kids pick up on this.
It's probably best if you just coast along in this relationship for the mo, as there seems to be too much uncertainty and what ifs for much else. Dont prohibit your lover form seeing his kids- that will only make him resent you. Encourage him to continue being their dad in everyway, and support him from afar (ie without you having to meet the kids). Its probably best that you all wait until you have been together for some time, and are no longer feeling threatned by the kids until you meet them. That way they will probaly have more respect for you as they will know you as dads girlfriend not the woman dad left us for.
Good luck, and maybe it will answer all your questions with yourself, and ask some real deep questions. "Are you really ready for family life? Can you learn how to control you temper and any akward emotions you feel, enough to prevent such an ugly scene ever again? And as selfish as it might sound is it worth me proceeding in such a situation- does he provide enough love, support, affection, security to carry on with this?
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