A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,So I have very recently made a massive mistake, and jeopardised my girlfriend and I's relationship. Really I'm not too sure why I'm sharing this with you all, and I don't think there is very much I can do, but if anyone has any words of comfort or advice, then please feel free to reply.Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 and a half years. I'm 25 and she is 22. I have a 6 year old son that I'm in full time care of from a previous relationship, and we live separately from each other, about an hour drive away. She does however work locally to me.A few weeks ago, I was added on Facebook by someone I see every morning when I take my son to school. I always found her attractive but no more than that. We got talking on Facebook and things were all fine, talking about regular things and just being friendly. Then, about a week ago, things started to get more intimate. Messages were becoming sexual, and whilst I knew it was wrong, I didn't feel too guilty because in my mind I had no emotional attachment with her and it was just a bit of fun. Then for some reason, there was an excuse for me to pop to her house to pick something up. Although the intention was not to go there and be intimate, I knew that there was a big chance that something could happen. I went over there, and when the inevitable began to happen, I had a reality check and realised just how wrong this all was. I left before anything intimate happened. The next day I called things off with this other woman. We both have other relationships and it was a big mistake to let it escalate in the way it did. We both agreed this was the correct thing to do. The important thing was that I realised the error of my ways before something truly awful happened. After this, the guilt started to kick in. I love my girlfriend so much, and looking back I have no idea why I did what I did. The guilt was going to be unbearable and I felt it was important that we were 100% honest with each other, so I told my girlfriend about what happened.Needless to say, it didn't go down too well. We have been so close, and I fully believe that we are incredible together. Before this episode, we've been planning on moving out together and we have always said that we will be together forever. Obviously me breaking this news to her has wrecked things somewhat. We've talked, and she has decided that we need to be on a break for a bit, whilst she thinks about what she wants to do. I really hate myself for what happened, for upsetting my girlfriend like this and potentially ruining one of the best things thats ever happened to me. She said that at the moment seeing my name makes her feel sick. I'm really scared that it could be over. I guess I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation before, or if anyone has any advice on how to handle this? At the moment I feel constantly sick, its making me somewhat unwell and I want to try and fix things! My girlfriend is asking for space, and I know I need to give her some time to reflect and think about what she wants. Every moment I'm not speaking to her is just making it harder to deal with at the moment!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Anonymous 123, everything you have said there does hold true, I am a very insecure person and I do think I have low self-esteem.
My girlfriend knows this. We're very close, we know each other very well, and I think we both know the reason why I did it. I won't be hearing from her for a few days over the weekend, but the last conversations I've had with her give me hope that we can work this out eventually. I guess we will never know unless we at least give it another shot and take it from there, hopefully if she wants this any trust issues or thoughts of this other woman will evaporate quickly and we can get back to where we were.
I will keep you posted :)
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 If you thought my previous answers were harsh, then buckle up for this one! I'm sorry but I'm just going to say what I feel and you might not like it so be prepared for that.
Yes, you're in denial.
Somewhere deep down inside you're also insecure of your girlfriend because you feel that she's better than you. Your way of cheating was a way for you to feel better about yourself because it made you feel wanted by another woman other than your girlfriend and that gave you a thrill. You've probably never had this opportunity before and when you did have it, and that too with an attractive woman, you didn't want to let it go. My guess is that you also suffer from low self-esteem.
You've mentioned more than once that you're insecure and its evident. You're insecure of her as well. You're insecure because you have a nagging feeling that she could find anyone she wants but you'll be all alone. It is this insecurity along with all the other factors which caused you to fumble. That coupled with the fact that you're a single dad who's going to find it relatively more difficult to date compared to a regular, single guy, have all added to your insecurity.
Look OP, I'm just a stranger on the internet but sometimes its easier talking to a stranger than anyone else because I don't know you at all. I'm just getting all this from your post and the way you've written. I can also relate to much of this from my personal experiences with someone I've known closely who followed a very similar pattern as yours and it came from a very deep sense of insecurity and low self-worth.
All I can tell you is that don't ever throw away a good thing just for a few moments of fun. If you think you can work things out with your girlfriend then DO IT. Because good people are hard to come by. But if you feel that the relationship isn't complete and that you are to be blamed for it, then work on yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is a little more complicated of a situation than you have made out, but I understand what you're saying. The infrequency of our spending time together is due completely to current living arrangements. We both still live with our parents, and I have full time care of my son. My parents are not as accommodating as we'd like them to be, both with babysitting and with allowing my gf to stay as regularly as we'd like. It had caused a few issues in the past, it hasn't been easy, but we had been doing well and we usually take advantage of any time we have together.At the time this happened, I was feeling a little more distant than usual as we have study commitments. We both appreciate that sometimes it will be harder to see each other because of this, but I was feeling especially distant because of this at that particular time. Leading up to this, the few times I did see her were time spent with my son as well, or for an hour or two where there was no real opportunity for us to be intimate. To answer your question about how things will change, I don't know how this will change things going forward. I absolutely am happy with my girlfriend, I love her to bits. The situation surrounding the rest of my life isn't ideal to accommodate the regularity we would like to see each other with, but we were saving for a deposit to get a place of our own next year. For me, the situation we've been in for a while now has always been slightly difficult but in my mind it has always been a temporary situation. Maybe what you're saying seems harsh to me at the moment but it is interesting that you see it in this way. If there is a chance that we could make this work together and get back to the way things have always been, then I'd jump at the chance. At no point have either of us seemed 'trapped' in our relationship, it's always been what we've wanted. We talk all the time via text or phone call, although we would both rather than be time spent in person. I feel like I just had an absent moment of madness, and I didn't put myself in my girlfriends shoes. I think you're right that the reason I did it was because it made me feel important/wanted, but I think this is mainly down to my own insecurities. I've never ever been in a situation like this before, and because of my insecurities I would consider myself relatively weak. My girlfriend is beautiful, and could have anybody she wanted to but she is very strong by comparison. Maybe I didn't know how to deal with it and just let it get out of hand through my own naivety more than anything else? I don't know.I know it seems like I'm in denial and arguing my case, but thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Although I don't agree with everything you're saying, it is really helpful and it is making me think about things in a slightly different way.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (10 July 2014):
I guessed as much but I wanted you to say it.
First of all, you've been together for 5.5 years and have only been with each other around 2 times a week. That is a difficult way to sustain a relationship OP. A relationship means you need to spend time with each other, you need to physically BE with each other, you need to be there for the other person. You need to know the other person inside-out, their mannerisms, their behavior, their everything. This doesn't come easy, it needs a lot of time and togetherness. Physical intimacy is also a huge part of a relationship because without the touch, the feel and the contact of your partner, it is really almost virtually impossible to sustain the relationship.
Second, you said that you were scared to approach this with her. Why was that the case? In a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything, especially the issues that are bothering you. If you thought that you needed to spend more time with her, then you should have just said it instead of assuming that it would upset her because there is really no reason for her to feel bad! It also goes to show that there is a certain degree of formality in your relationship, where you try to keep everything perfect on pen and paper but are too scared of doing anything "wrong" which might upset the apple cart.
And look how well that turned out!
Do you know why you got an ego boost out of your little affair OP? Because the other woman made you feel wanted and important. Because she was available for you. I'm not saying that its your girlfriend's fault that she wasn't doing her "duties", but its just that you got caught in the moment and it made you feel good to be wanted.
OP if you get back into the relationship with your girlfriend, how will things really change? Will the frequency of your meetings increase? Will the physical intimacy increase? Will the communication between you improve? Because lets face it, at the way that things are right now, I don't see anything changing. Honestly, it was just a matter of time before either of you f***ed up because it was frankly leading up to it. An emotionally unavailable, distant relationship with no physical intimacy isn't a relationship, its a crash waiting to happen.
Do YOU want to get back into this? Are you happy with this arrangement? You know, cheating is inexcusable but in your case, it was kind of inevitable, if you know what I mean. I guess you couldn't get yourself to end the relationship because you didn't see any reason to end it but you also couldn't resist the temptation. I feel bad for you in a way, because you and your girlfriend both seemed trapped in something that seems fine on paper but clearly isn't on the inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind and thought provoking reply.
I have been absolutely open with my girlfriend about all this. We've been through a lot together and despite the length of time we've been together for, we've only really seen each other on average twice a week. With other commitments etc. recently, I was feeling particularly distant leading up to this episode, and was craving just some intimate alone time with my girlfriend, not necessarily sex, just time for us to be close. I guess that this could be a contributing factor? I didn't at the time want to discuss this with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
As well as this, I am a very insecure person. It felt good to be admired and I think I got a bit of a temporary ego boost out of it. At no point did I have any emotional attachment with this other woman, and perhaps I just thought it was harmless fun over the internet? When I went over to her house, it suddenly felt real and I realised the error in my ways, before then it was just a bit of a fantasy really.
The thing is, even considering the above points, they don't excuse me for acting like I did. I have told my girlfriend the above, but I am not excusing myself for doing it, that's just lame. it's not my girlfriends fault I did what I did, its 100% my fault.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (10 July 2014):
You're not a bad person OP, you just did something that you shouldn't have done and you regret it now.
OP many times in life, we meet people who we are attracted to, who we think we're more suited for, who we have a fabulous connection with. Not just with you, it happens to every single one of us. Some of us say it, some don't want to accept it. What happens here is that you stop and think how important your partner and your current relationship are for you, before you do something to mess it up.
In your case, you acted (at least to a certain extent) on your attraction.
Now is the time to do some honest soul-searching.
You don't even have to tell us how you feel, you have to ask yourself that. What was the missing factor in your relationship that caused you to take the step that you did? Because believe you me, something HAS to be off for you to have behaved the way that you did. If you truly, truly loved your girlfriend, then you would never have gone to that woman's house when you knew there was a chance of something.
This is where "attraction" vs. "acting on the attraction" comes into play. Being attracted to someone is one thing but acting on it is TOTALLY different. The fact that you went to her house expecting something to happen means that you expected to act on it and the very idea gave you a thrill, a thrill that was greater than your feelings for your girlfriend.
OP its great that you're giving your girlfriend time to think things over but more importantly, you also need to give yourself the time to think. You might think that your relationship is perfect but maybe the prefect relationship has run its course. There is a good chance that this relationship will not work out and you have to accept that, because once there is a rupture, its very difficult to get things back on track and to exactly the same place where it was.
You say you have no idea that you did what you did, but I'll tell you what, that's the lamest excuse ever. You KNEW what you were doing and you CHOSE to do it. Don't make things worse for her by saying that you didn't know and that you have no answer because you OWE her an answer if she asks for one.
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