A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll cant promise I'll keep this short. I promise I wont ramble, however.Me and my long-distance girlfriend had been having problems making time to see eachother. She was also extremely cold, and completely a-sexual. She cited saving sexual activities for marriage, and she never felt the need to express love in the forms of hand holding, kissing, or any contact. She could never tell me she loved me, in any way, shape or form. I expressed my love for her in all the ways I could, but they went unreceived. Although the coldness bothered me, I could accept everything about her, and I loved her just the same.In the past 2 months, I got only 1 phone call, and saw her one brief time on a Saturday, when she had come home. The last weekend we spent together, we ended up doing almost nothing. Although she had time for clubs, and video games, and other friends, she could not pay me even a brief phone call. I did not understand why, and when confronted, she said she was 'just too busy' and/or 'did not realize a phone call was necessary'. I asked her what was up, and she described to me the stress her finals had put on her, and school in general. I was understanding to that matter, but not having enough time to call me even briefly, I still felt was unacceptable.She would be coming home soon, and for a few weeks. She would be busy working a job to make money, but would be close by. She would then be going a few states away, and I would be able to see her at most every other weekend. Next semester, she would be taking a very heavy college workload, and I understood having a relationship would be impossible, timewise. She needed to cut me loose, and I agreed. We did not specify when. We did discuss being friends, and I know I could be her friend always, even if I couldnt love her openly any longer. We had been excellent friends, although our 'love' had been expressed lopsidedly and was rather unfulfilling.She then invited me to see her one last time at her school, and spend the weekend. I would also help her to pack up, and move some of her items back so that she would not have to do so much after her finals. She mentioned partying, alcohol, and a sleepover.I had assumed we were still dating, for the time being, and we would be spending the weekend 'together'. I was wrong. She was colder to me, all weekend, then I had ever thought possible. We had some fun conversation in the car, but that was the limit to our fun. We did not drink, and I slept on her floor. I'm not saying drinking was ever necessary, but I had bought and brought alcohol for us, and enough for friends. She could gather nobody, and we ended up doing nothing. She even refused to have a drink with me, which very much put me off. I didnt understand why she was acting this way.I voiced to her, in private, my extreme sadness, and she seemed like she did not care for my emotions at all. I told her I would be happy if we could spend just this one last weekend as a couple, and she could do nothing but disagree, "Why postpone the inevitable?". I was rather distraught. I still helped her pack, and when she dropped me off, she did not even look at me as I waved her goodbye. I had never been treated so coldly by somebody I had loved, and I had never felt more 'dumped' than I had this past weekend. I dont understand how somebody I cared for so much could treat me so poorly.I know she is a very good individual, a very hard worker, and religious. She and I were good friends, by all means. We enjoyed many of the same activities, always laughed at eachothers jokes, and could always spend time together and never be bored, or so I thought.I keep having extremely depressing thoughts, some especially more than others- She had taken a trip out of the country, where she had gotten so drunk she had been smoking (she was a non-smoker) quite a bit, during the stretch of time when I barely had any contact with her at all. I was appauled, but I know other people who smoke, and it doesnt bother me more than just smoking does (which is just enough not to do it myself), but when I think of her doing it, I am nearly disgusted for some reason. This doubly got me- She had told me many times of the fun things she had done during the many parties and times she'd been drinking; her environment allowed it. Of the nearly 5 months we had dated, I had only really had drinks with her 1 time. The reason completely escaped me, but she always had some reason not to drink when I was around. Also, that weekend, she had come home, and was in an extremely poor mood. When I asked her what was wrong, she had said "I dont want to talk about it". Of course, I pushed a bit... I know some most normal girls will say that when they really just need to tell somebody. She got extremely irate, and shot me down for trying to pry into her personal life. I was also hinted involved a guy she knew, which made me extremely curious, and also extremely bothered. She also made it a point to announce her new 'single' self a few times to her friends in front of me over the past weekend, and this distressed me. Also, while we talked, I found out she did not enjoy many of the activities we did together, she is a definite work-a-holic, and cannot sit and relax... She always has to be doing things. She that although she liked spending time with me, she did not enjoy watching movies with me, or just relaxing with me... This also made me very sad, as most of time I spent with her at my house, I figured she was overworked and so I opted for these type of activities.I keep thinking of all the times she shot me down for caring for her, all the love I expressed which was never returned, all the fun we could have had which she neglected, all the fun she told me about when I was not there. When I was there with her, fun regularly eluded us, seemingly at her disgression. She was always telling me of the great things she did with her friends, but I was never brought to any dances she would always go to, the weekends when I was with her, all of a sudden nothing was ever going on. In one of the last times we talked, she discribed to me her feelings of wasting time spent talking with me, when she could and should be doing schoolwork. But other time, she told me of having enough free time to take part in regular clubs, go to events, play video games... I just didnt understand. I felt recently she never had time she wanted to make with me, although she had more than enough time to make me happy, she never wanted to use it to do that.I am not stating all this as pure fact, it's how I feel and how I see things.I am extremely depressed. Can anybody offer any thoughts? I feel a bit better having gotten some of this off my chest, but there is so much more going through my head, I dont know what I can do with it.
View related questions:
depressed, drunk, kissing, money, my ex, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind words, guys.
I know she was busy, but not always, and I dont want to make her out to be worse than she is.
I am feeling better having gotten this out, I just dread being single, and thoughts of her still burn in my mind.
Thanks again for responding.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Im sorry that you've wasted so much love, time and energy on someone who clearly isn't in the right place or frame of mind to give you the love that you deserve.
I'm sorry that you're taking it so badly, but also seems as though you're internalising everything - like your wanting us to tell what's wrong with you. There isn't anything wrong with you.
If you can I'd say stay her friend - she seems to need that, but be her friend only in as far as it is good for your self-esteem and self-worth.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Hi buddy,
Ouch, I really really feel for you. This woman sounds awufl!. You seem like such a nice person..I see a wonderful, kind, beautiful woman in your future.
Just a few thoughts, when she would tell you that she was out clubing with friends and doing activities with her friends, are you sure it was not all in her mind??? LOL, it seems odd to me that one can have such an active social life and yet struggle to get people over for drinks, where were all her friends when it came time to move??? I know that sounds nasty but......it may give you a giggle one day!!
It sounds to me that this girl was just using you. That is an awful thing to do.
My advice to you is continue doing things you enjoy, you will find someone worthy of you and it will be fantastic.
I know you may not see it at the moment but it's true.
I had a BF once who hurt me very much, it took a long time to heal, (For the record I am with my Mr Wonderufl now, getting married and couldn't be happier if I tried). My point is everyone has to have the nasty BF/GF to truly appreicate when we get the perfect one!
Look at the positive side, you get to do all your 1st's agin, first date, kiss, sleep over. They are all exciting and wonderful parts of a realationship and this time you will get someone who wants those things too!
Keep your chin up,
Best of luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Hi there.
It is ok to have a long post. You are hurt and it can be cathartic to write it out. I can tell from the undertones of your post that I think you know this relationship has well and truly run it's course. She is still very much in the drivers seat, it would seem in terms of the pull she still has on your heart. It also looks as if your self esteem has taken a beating and you seem to now be in the 'habit' of letting her dismiss and hurt you. You are in a vicious circle. She rejects and belittles you and you return for more. Do not be hard on yourself here. I think most of us have been there.
In my opinion there are two things you need to do. Back away from this young lady at least for now and perhaps forever. Seems like when you are with her she hurts you and when you are away from her you obsess about her. Do you have a support network beyond her..friends? family? My take is that if you do not have this, this will hit you much harder. You need to begin healing your self esteem from the beating it has taken here. If she has not treated you well and you see yourself through her eyes...well that is not good.
I do not mean to hurt you but you sound really vulnerable.This again is ok but this is not the time to go it alone. Guys, esepecially seem slower to seek help but do not feel there is anything wrong with this. Most of us have at one time or another..sometimes more than once.
My final word is to try to see yourself apart from the way she made you feel, the way she defined you. You are more than that. Somewhere there is someone...the right girl who will be right for you and if you give this 'wrong'girl her walking papers you are free to find that right person. Would you have the courage to let her go. It might shock her and empower you.
Good luck and keep us posted.
...............................
|
