A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am a 25 years old guy. I work as well as doing my master's degree in engineering. I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months. We have broke up yesterday. I feel so much hurt. Since I have known my girlfriend, She always felt unloved from her family and the people around her. Her father has gone too since she was 11. She also doesn't love herself, and always felt being taken advantage of from other people, who only wanted her sexually. I have been the only person in her life. During the first couple of months of the relationships, things were OK and pretty nomral. Then she began talking about her past. I didn't want to, but she always cried about me not listening to her and that I don't accept her. I decided to in the end and I was always felt hurt listening to it, until I actually began living into it and feeling down everytime she mentioned something about it. Thing went through ups and downs. She always wanted reassurance that I love her and she is a good person. I always did that. I supported her with this. Then I began to treat her some how differently, since the only thing I saw was her past more than her present, I began to feel depressed and somehow defensive. Her past was so dark and had so many sexual practices, that led me to ask her to do check-ups which made her feel humiliated. I also felt like this relationship is not going anywhere and that reflected on me. Even though my friends and family knew about her and our relationship, announcing her publically on facebook seemed to be a very important thing to her. She even told me I am hiding the relationship, even though it is clear in the broad daylight. I am not that kind of person who posts photos with my relationships till I feel it is stable. I felt mine wasn't. I told her that and she felt hurt.Then one day, I decided to stop all this hassle and told her, I want to start a new page. I don't want to listen to her past anymore. I love her, I accept her as she is, but listening to the past just gets me angry, sad and makes me feel hurt. Not so much later, she mentioned something again about her past, and it made me feel hurt again. I really was really angry and sad, that I decided not to tell her what is wrong with me, till I feel OK. After I did, I told her what was wrong with me, I just avoided talking with her much, because I wasn't not feeling so well and may have been aggressive. I may have hurt her with words beause of my anger, so I decided to calm down before talking to you as I used to again. She saw that it is not ok feel like this. This means I don't accept her. Even though I didn't leave her for this, but it is my right to feel this way. I was only away to protect her from my rage, not because of anything else. Then soon, we began our final exams. It was our stress point. I was focusing on my exams and I wasn't giving her the attention she used to have from me. I still called, checked up on each other, but I wasn't as much available for her. She told me she can't keep up with this anymore. She is also stressed and she desperately needs my presence, but it looked to her like I was giving her a cold shoulder. She wanted me to be available and cheer her up everytime she feels down. I was clear with her, that It is impossible to be available and present everytime she needs my presence. I was available in case she needs things to be done, or help with her study, but I wasn't able to be available to keep talking to her so much. I also need to focus of my study too. It is my future and it is important for me. And as soon as I finish what I am busy with, I fully come back to her and we do everything we used to be. She understood that my future is important, however since I am not able to become fully available during these times, It is too much for her and I don't give her attention she needs.I feel so much hurt, because I loved her so much. I was doing what I can do and not being enough for her, makes me feel down and bad. I miss her. I still don't know if there was a chance to fix things or It was the right decision to take. I also feel angry because I don't see that she tried to make things work on her side.Should I give things another chance? I am so confused and I need help with this.
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female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (9 June 2016):
 Sorry for all this, sorry about what happened to her and so sorry about your hurt. It sounds like youre in so much pain just breaking it off, it feels like you wanted to give her everything but you cant anymore.Sweetheart, really I think you did the best thing for you. And its tough but its the best decision. Look here, you cant change anyone or be there for them if they cant do it themselves. You cant parent her and also be her lover, bestfriend, confidante, boyfriend, future husband etc. She is taking and taking and you are giving and giving and in the end, we cant give anymore. You have given her so much I can feel it in your message, your time and energy and concentration, compassion and love---all given to her and she continues to take. She needs therapy and to change her life around and thats not up to you. Please dont even attempt to try to do that for anyone. Because were all individuals, its up to her to walk down that path and grow as a person. We must be whole first, before we find someone and find true happiness. I know you love her but you have to see that in you ending this, youre allowing her to move on and see herself clearly. Because clearly shes in a black hole and the girl holding her down is herself.Youre also really young. You should be dating, having fun, smiling, having adventures with your girl instead of worrying about how sad she is today or next day. Its important to be there for her but also its so important to be true to yourself, to take care of your own feelings, thoughts and relationship. My advice is move on and try to find some peace too. Focus on school, on being whole, then date in future and have fun.Good luck!
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 Sorry you are having to go though this, it hurts Im sure. There is only so much one can do before they need to step back and let the other person be responsible for helping themselves. To be her constant emotional crutch will not help fix her situation, she needs to seek professional support. It seems she has a fair amount of baggage, too much that you should have to be dragged down to the point of feeling guilty. It is very hard to walk away from someone you love but you know what, it is ok to love yourself enough to know when you have too. It is called self preservation. Should you give her another chance? well that is something for you to decide but my advice would be to put some time and distance between you for a while to try un-fog your thoughts. Reassess the situation depending on how ready she is to seek some help. If she is willing, and that would be a condition of reconciling, perhaps it could work. I guess boundaries really do need to be clear and respected if things are to take a turn for the better. I wish you well
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (8 June 2016):
 She needs some serious counseling. You told her your breaking point and tried to set a boundary because it was affecting your mental health, and she couldn't respect it. I'm sure she doesn't want to be like this, but you can't be everything for her. It becomes parasitic, unbalanced and unhealthy. How would you benefit from returning? How would there not be mind games and her thinking you thinking she's inadequate when there's been no effort on her part to work on that behavior? It's too ingrained in her. This is a pattern that will come up over and over unless you decide to not be a part of it. I think you did the right thing.
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