A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So here is my story. I'm completely lost and in a bad way. Riddled with shame and guilt. Feel totally out of control and powerless. I'm a serial cheat. I never expected to be in this position. I have strong values and rate honesty highly. I hate hurting people and have been cheated on in the past and know the hurt it can cause. I experience anxiety and and guilt first thing in the morning and it drains the life from me. I'm miserable and no one knows my pain. My story starts as a teenager in a relationship with a girl who broke my heart and cheated on me with shaped my view on relationships. I vowed never to trust anyone again. Then I met my current girlfriend. She is amazing, clever, kind and loyal. Pretty much everything you need in a woman when your ready to settle down. Trouble is at 21 I wasn't. I was and still am immature and selfish. I have had 6 drunken one night stands, some with prostitutes others with old flames or women from close social circles. I have been checked for STI and STD and I'm clean. Nothing can condone what I have done. I have never confessed this to anyone. Not to close friends of mine not to parents, and worst not to my partner. I live in secrets and lies. I have now a home with my partner. She is unaware of the inner turmoil I go through every day. She is keen for children and marriage however I can't bring myself to even sleep with her anymore. It's not that I don't find her attractive as she is still beautiful, it's the fact that I hate myself for everything I have done. Some of the one night stands are local and we see them at weddings and social occasions. They never leave me although after 6 years I doubt they will say anything although it's always in the back of my mind. I used to just put this down to being in a relationship from a young age and feeling trapped however I am now exploring the possibility that I may have emotional problems, a personality disorder or a sexual addiction. I have tried to change and tried to make things right however I can't forgive myself. My girlfriends family are very violent and I have no option to tell her as I fear for my safety. She is very proud and would never understand. My only options are to end the relationship and sell the house, or carry on in denial. Try to bury it and forgive myself and move on with my life. Have children and get married. This would leave a massive risk of a secret being exposed or worse still it happening again. I have lost my love of life and fear I may be depressed.
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cheated on me, depressed, drunk, immature, move on, one night stand, prostitute, std, trapped, violent, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): A third option: get therapy. There are those who can help you work through why you have the entitlement problem and how it makes you put yourself in positions of vulnerability to cheat on your girlfriend. They can help you learn how to make better decisions for yourself.
A lot of employers have mental health benefits covered as part of their package; call your HR dept and see what they can do, or who they can recommend.
I think therapy will help you. Change is very hard and almost impossible to do on your own, and you sound like you are feeling very alone in this. Recruit help!!
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): Quite a lot of people especially men will at one point in there life cheat. Unfortunately it's usually before they grow up mentally and mature. In this circumstance it sounds to me like you settled down too early when you should have continued to be signal. The decision you have to make now is do you want to settled down yet? You could have the perfect life with this girl provided you can from this point in time out your irresponsible and childish behaviour behind you. After 6 years these indescrations should now be behind you however as you have a conscience there eating away at you. Small tap on the back as most cheats feel no remorse. The fact that you feel guilt shows you have some moral fibre. Use the guilt as an emotional seat belt and understand whenever you feel like to avoid the situation or remove yourself from it. Start performing random acts of kindness for your girlfriend to make up for the mistakes you have made.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 June 2016):
 Normally, people have the right to know, but that's if you hope to stay. In this case, you should keep it to yourself, break up and sell the house. You have so much work to do on yourself because you still think there's a possibility it will happen again - you *choose* whether or not to cheat, so you'd be choosing to cheat again. You need therapy and you need to let her go - it will give you a chance to free yourself of the guilt, as you wouldn't be keeping secrets from her any more, and work on yourself so that this doesn't happen again. Do not stay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Hurt people hurt people.
It's not an excuse though. Just a clue for you to start unravelling with your therapist.
I agree-leave her (and don't tell her why,as in don't confess to the cheating. I say this as someone who has been cheated on but never cheated. You've caused enough devastation already. Ignorance IS bliss in this case)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): How can someone who has been cheated on cheat on another person if they know how hurtful it is?. And one night stands and prostitutes are disgusting. Too right you should be ashamed of yourself. If anyone should be depressed , it should be your girlfriend for being with a liar and a chest, not you. You know right from wrong, and you could easily stop yourself from cheating. You CHOOSE to cheat. No one forced you to do it. And before you blame it on the drink, you CHOSE to drink too. You should limit your drinking. You still know right from wrong even when you have had a drink.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 I plowed through your submittal and came to this conclusion:
YOU know how much of a jerk you can be. (and) You know what are the "right" ways are to be a man and a gentleman. BUT, despite knowing that.... you've chosen - time and again - to act like an a$$ in your relationships.....
Conclusion: Content yourself that until and unless you grow up, you're destined to repeat and repeat what you've done in the past. Determine if you want to live your adult life like that. IF the answer is "yes,"... then keep on with what you are doing. If "No" then figure out how to grow up....
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 I was cheated on too. But I called her a slut and dumped her and moved on.
You didn't.
You took it out on your next girlfriend. And have now killed the relationship.
You gave two options in your post and option 1 is the answer. You need time to get your head on straight. Your only going to keep cheating and treating your gf badly.
Maybe your just not a relationship guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): You'll get caught.And then you'll be in a BIG problem. Especially with that family of hers.I don't know what is the nature of your problem but you should consult a therapist ASAP.You were so lucky that what you had done didn't catch up with you.The only right thing to do would be to leave her. I understand why you can't come clean. So don't. But do the decent thing and leave her. Sell the house. Let her be. Let her find someone who'll treat her with respect.I can't begin to tell you how lucky you were you never contracted any of the STDs. You are making your gf play Russin roulette without even knowing!OK you're not having sex, but that can change and you'll slip up.. but you should leave her because of all the BAD things you did. If she finds out she'll be devastated.Leave her and get some therapy!
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