A
female
age
30-35,
*ffectionless
writes:At the beginning of this year I got into a relationship with a boy i'd liked for ages, we lasted five months and througought that he cheated on me three times and put us on a break for two weeks, i broke up with him in june and the only reason i didn't do it earlier was because i loved him too much to let him go. all of my friends always told me i deserved better and i realized that myself when he went out with someone else two days later.i was single for a month up to a point where a boy in his circle of friends told me he liked me, and sooner or later we went out. this enraged my ex and he refucsed to talk to me at all, which upset me because we'd gone back to being friends up to this point. then he started texting me and calling me saying he wanted me back but i just sort of left him alone at first. then he asked to meet me and i realised he'd been hurting himslef which upset me a lot, and he mistook my tears for a descision and he left thinking i was going to dump my current boyfrend for him. i didnt say anything and i feel stupid, i decided to put him straight the next day but i couldnt bring myself to do it and ended up kissing him instead, making matters worse. Now i know i'll have to break up with my boyfried but i really dont want to as i do believe he is perfect and i love him, but what i have for my ex is deeper but right now it isn't really.i really dont want to tell my boyfriend because said id never cheat on him and my ex has been a problem surrounding our relationship for a while now, and i know whatever i do it's going to come out bad. i've thought about things and decided i will break up with my boyfriend soon, but i dont want to do it right away but i know the longer i leave it the harder things are going to become and because of that i really odnt want to do it...but i've got my ex's hopes up and he's already said to one or two of his friends im dumping my boyfriend for him and i've got his hopes up so high to the point where i feel theres no return.this is the first time i have loved two people at once and it really doesn't feel good at all and i'm really scared. i love both of them too much and i'm sick and tired of upsetting people. i'd be welcome to any solid ideas to what i should do because i really need to sort this mess out as soon as i can.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Affectionless +, writes (13 August 2009):
Affectionless is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all those, it really helped. I've decided to stay with my current boyfriend, i understand one of you saying i don't deserve him to be honest, but a small part of me knows he's a little too good to be true, he is doing well in college and has a part time job and has a much more mature attitude to most things in comparison to my ex, who got kicked out of college last year and didnt get in this year. he doesn't get along with his family and owes people quite a lot of money, and i feel sorry for him, that was the misunderstanding in the first place.
i'm going to talk things through with my boyfriend about this, he knows my ex is being a bit obsessive anyway and if im feeling brave enough, i'll tell him about the kiss, i mean if i don't i'm sure my ex would anyway.
i guess the only thing i was ever worried about was upsetting my ex, i know what he wants and for once its not the same as what i want, i got his hopes up and i feel terrible for doing that, but i don't know what else i can do, i just want him to stop hurting himself. he has cuts all over his wrists and on his stomach and thighs and he's made threats to me to kill himself before now and besides the fact that i don't want him to do it- i also don't want to be the reason, but i really hope it doesn't come to that.
thanks for all the replies. i havent been able to pin point one solid desision to put into action for days now, and i was too scared to talk to my friends about it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): if you wonder why so many guys cheat, this is a good example why... no matter how good your boyfriend is, you would consider leaving him for another guy who cheats.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): also, i think Theboy is bias. people can fall in love and be committed at any age. if you are in a relationship already and you kiss someone else, its still cheating. he makes it sound all innocent and easy but he has no compassion. when two people can hurt each other in a relationship, then it is a serious relationship.
dont leave your hurt your boyfriend for someone who would hurt you. if girls kept leaving the good guys for the guys that cheat, soon all guys will think its ok to cheat...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): youre one of those girls who doesnt know how to treasure something good til its gone. if you really love your boyfriend, you dont have to break up with him. nobody is making you. i think its rather foolish that you would consider breaking a good guys heart for someone who doesnt care about yours. i agree with the male writer above. i think your ex just doesnt want anyone else to have you. you gotta ask yourself who deserves your love more. whos gonna be there for you all the time.
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A
female
reader, Jay_xxxxx +, writes (13 August 2009):
 I know what you are talking about because as soon as I started going out with my boyfriend my ex hated it and told me he loves me. But I ignored it knowing that I'm in love with my boyfriend and want to stay in his arms forever.
Soon after I told my ex that I want to stay friends because he had his chance (and let face it he cheated on me) so I told him straight that I just want to be friends and thats all, ever since then he has helped me through alot of things. He still tells me that he loves me but knows that we can never be more than friends.
I think you should follow what you think is best, but here is some advise just incase you need help.
If you choose to stay with your boyfriend:
I think you should talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you love him and never want to lose him so you want to tell him the truth, you don't have to tell him about the kiss unless he asks you about it then don't lie to him or that will make it worse.
Then tell your ex that your not going to to dump your boyfriend because you know that you he will never hurt you and that you want to stay with him. If he does not take it well and say. "All my mates think you are going to leave your boyfriend." Tell him "You shouldn't of told them that then." Then leave him for a couple of days to calm down and see what happens from then.
If you want to go with your ex:
Tell your boyfriend how you feel and that you will always love him but that you feel you want to be with your ex. He should understand but I'd give him a couple of days to calm down untill you talk to him.
Then go to your ex and tell him your decission.
Hope I helped x
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A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/ +, writes (13 August 2009):
 ok reading through this first of all im going to be honest made me roll my eyes a few time and i even muttered silly girl to myself. but i can see it from an adults respective and your looking at it from your perspective so im gonna try and answer this with as much sympathy as i can. basically, you should not go back to your ex he only wants you cos he lost you, if you kissed him while you've been with your new bf you need to be honest about that and the reasons you did it. you never kno he may just forgive you and try to carry on building on the relationship with you. your ex is a waste of space and proved that by cheating on you several times! loving someone and liking someone alot are to very different things. be honest with your bf and see what happens. the ex should be history. weather you take my advice or not i wish you luck. JD
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A
female
reader, dindestress  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 well, it sounds to me that you're more in love with your current boyfriend.if this is true..then you've got to tell him what's going on..trust me it's for the best, and if you guys were really meant to be together, he will forgive you for kissing and eventually undestand. As for the other guy, it's going to take time but you've got to make him realize that you don't love him anymore.. he will eventually get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Hi hun,
Well, you're absolutely right. Either way, someone (maybe all of you) will come out of this one hurting.
I completely understand loving two people at once. But they're on completely different levels. The love you have for your ex is, i'll bet, only left over feelings from your relationship and things being stirred up by his sudden passion for you again.
When an ex starts dating someone else, then they think it's all fine. But all of a sudden YOU'RE doing ok again, you've moved on and your with someone new, the ex gets pissed (especially if you start dating their friend!). I think it's because in their minds you are still partially their 'property' or something.
I know that, in some ways, it's kind of nice to see them react so passionately and want you back. But it's not really real.
I think you should reconsider breaking up with your current guy just because your ex got his knickers in a twist and you reacted to it.
You've all got heaps of feelings running around, and i'll bet if you explain it to your boyfriend he'll understand. He probably won't like it. But he'll get it.
On the other hand, if you think your feelings for your ex are more than left-overs, then perhaps you should stay single for a little while. Take some time to work it out. Get some distance and clarity from the whole situation, then you can be happy and clear with the guy you really want to be with.
Loving one person is just less stressful!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Sorry.... you want to dump your current bf who is sweet and kind and go back to your ex who has cheated on you, and sounds like he is immature and controlling.... erm.... is there something wrong with your logic??
Tell your ex to back off and leave you alone!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Do not dump your present boyfriend for this guy.If you do he will hurt you again, BS he cares about you he's cheated on you 3 times, BS he wants you back, he just doesn't want anyone else to have you.My advice is forget him, he isn't friend material either and see if you want to see your new guy anymore, if you don't do him a a favour and cut him loose, I'm not sure you deserve him to be honest.
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