A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:6 weeks ago, I started seeing and falling in love with this man. He had been off and on with his wife for 6 years (she cheated several times 6 years ago). He was sure that he was ready to file and move on with his life...and he did file and got a court date. He was falling in love with me and we were planning on being together. A week ago, he started having doubts and says that he is torn between us. (From his actions, I believe him -- I've known him all of my life and I know he's a good guy with a good heart.) Last week, I walked away, tried to be friends for a couple days and am now trying to not have contact with him. When we broke up, he said he was talking to her about things that needed to change between them in order for him to come home. Well, then some drama happened in her life, making her feel stalked and he moved home. I dont know if he moved home purely because of that or not. I agree that if he has feelings for her, he needs to try to make it work with her before he can move on with his life, especially because of their son. I don't think that they will be able to work it out and quite honestly, hope they don't. In the last week, I have become friends (through text only) with his wife. I did that so that I could maintain a friendship with him without her feeling uncomfortable...when I was ready. At some point, I will try to be friends with him again -- I just don't feel strong enough right now. He and I suspect that she knows that something happened between the two of us -- she got my number from his phone bill and she has asked him about things that I said in fb messages that she shouldn't have read (and would definately know about us if she did read). I imagine its killing her that she can't confront him with what she knows, that he is lying to her (he told her I was 90% of the reason he came back) and that I am so nice to her. I imagine at some point, she will break down and just ask. What I want to know is what to do? I love this man with all of my heart and I want the best for him, even if it means him being with his wife. I doubt that it is -- simply because of the past. I have my opinions about it all, but I know he needs to figure that out on his own. I miss him like crazy, but I also know that if I talk to him, even innocently, his judgment toward her will be cloudy and my heart will continue to break. I am fairly certain not talking to him is bothering him more because he misses me and I'm even more certain that me talking to his wife makes him miss me, if he knows about it. Here's the goal I want to accomplish: Help him quickly see that nothing is going to change in the long run between them without doing anything that will make him mad or upset with me. I don't want him to come back to me right away. I just want him away from her for good (except as parents of their son) and then we will see what happens between us, in time. Any words of wisdom will help, thank you...please no judgment. I know that I should have waited to get involved until he was divorced.
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male
reader, Ven +, writes (18 October 2010):
You have to respect his current relationship, and be strict in helping him do the same. Otherwise, you will reinforce in his mind the idea that relationships are not sacred. You definitely do not want to be jumping into a relationship with a man who doesn't know how to be in one.
Also, and I'm not saying that she isn't an awful human being, but her cheating years ago does not give him the right to do the same now. It definitely gives him the right to leave, but not to turn around and be unfaithful after CHOOSING to stay with her.
You did good in cutting off contact; I would strongly recommend you keep it that way until the divorce is finalized.
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