A
male
age
30-35,
*e130890
writes:I started seeing this girl after I met her about 4 months ago. I got her number and we started texting. She said that she had just split up with her boyfriend of 1 and a half years and was really down in the dumps. I asked if she wanted to meet up to have a laugh and get her mind off things to which she agreed. That night we immediately hit if off and at the end of the night admitted to each other that we really liked each other. For the next month and a half we were seeing each other on a regular basis but taking things very slowly. We got closer and closer and our bond grew stronger and stronger. We had and still have such an amazing time together theres never a dull moment. Then there was a period of time when she became a bit more distant... we had a slight rocky period where I wasn't sure she was right for me. We arranged to go away together but it fell through because we fell out a bit and I also said some things to her that I shouldn't of to the point where she never wanted to see me again. After that we made up and became friends again but she still seemed distant. Clearly I began to become worried, anxious and suspicious that her ex boyfriend may be the issue here. I went away with some friends to Greece for a week, with this preying constantly on my mind. And my suspicions were confirmed when I found out via facebook on holiday that indeed she was back with her ex boyfriend. I confronted her when I got back (she didn't know that I knew) and only when I brought it up did she tell me that she was still in love with him and couldn't see me anymore. I was hurt deeply. Then 2 weeks of no contact later, she texted me asking if i wanted too see her again, to which I (probably stupidly) said yes. We met up had a bit of fun then she asked me whether I had moved on... I said yes. I told her I had met another girl and had been sleeping with her (which was true) and that we were still seeing one another. She then looked shocked and hurt. I asked what was up to which she replied that she hadn't got over me still. I told her it was best we stayed friends. But, as the week passed, I slowly regrew my old feelings for her to the point where there was no denying it anymore. I told her I still loved her and she told me that she was in love with me and we kissed. For the past 3 weeks now we've seen each other nearly every day behind her boyfriend's back who lives over 200 miles away. However, for the last 5 days I began acting very strange towards her and she realised and asked me about it. When I told her my feelings (I basically was thinking of cutting all ties and never seeing her again because it would avoid getting hurt and allow me to get over her quicker) she cried so much. I apologised and told her that I didn't mean it. The next day something shocking happened. She attempted an overdose and nearly died. She suffers from bi-polar (gives mood swings) and after coming through it after stomach pumps with me to comfort her she admitted that the thought of not seeing me again caused it. 4 days have passed and yesterday I told her that she cannot possibly be in love with 2 people at the same time and that it is really hurting me deeply that she is still with this guy. But she said that it is possible and she honestly does love us both and doesnt know what to choose. Now I am really really confused. I don't know what to do next.. should I give her a deadline to make her mind up by.. either way one of us gets hurt. Her boyfriend doesn't even know I exist for goodness sake. All i know is that she can't live without me (she has told me that) but if she chooses him I have no choice. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): Hey sweetie
I'm sorry you have such a difficult situation in your hands. Here are some things for you to think about:
This girl being bipolar means that the ambivalence and self-inflicted drama will always be there. I think you need to think long and hard about whether you feel cut out for this ride if she decides to be with you. I have a bipolar family member and it is a really tough position to be in on either side- for me being in the same family is hard-and for my family member it is really hard being a person who cannot control his own thoughts, constantly causing worry in other people, going from deep depression to hypomania and back down again. Every bipolar case is of course different and it is not always uncontrollable, but just to warn you, you could be in for some (more) REALLY tough times. I think this is the main issue here; her wellbeing. And hanging on to you whilst in a relationship is not going to cure her,quite the contrary. It just adds fuel to the fire.
I am not saying she couldn't be happy with you. I'm sure she could. But can you be happy with her? Can you live with the fact that 1)she was with someone whilst with you, she might do it to you too 2)she may cause you a lot of unintentional pain due to her illness and you will have a hard time trying to understand what she is doing and trying not to punish her for it and still not letting things slide too easily.
What about what you feel,what you need,what you think? When you are with a bipolar person, those things tend to get neglected and those are things that need constant nurturing. You need support and being looked after too. Don't forget that.
Being in love with two people at once,well,I suppose only those who have been there can say whether this can happen. I've been told it is possible. But this girl might be running away from her probs by keeping up this love triangle and not dealing with her other issues that probably have lead her to this position in the first place. I'm not saying she's not genuinly in love with you, but is that enough? Is that all it takes to make things work? No. She is clearly unstable and cannot face responsibility (you finding out via facebook about her relationship status proves just that) but you don't have to take it just because she is unstable. (I'd say the exact same thing to that bf of hers too,actually.) You have to draw the line somewhere-she obviously cannot do that. She is unwell and you can support her as a friend but I would strongly advice against stepping into a relationship with her right now. She has to get her demons under control first and she (and her two guys) might be best off without a relationship for the time being.
However,if she wants to be with you and you agree to it,make sure you have more info on what you're getting yourself into. And NO you cannot stick around out of guilt or worry. It's no good. In her case, saying "I can't live without you" has a bit of a morbid ring to it,I'm afraid. Is it you that she can't live without, or is it the sweet denial that she can't live without? Think about it.
Either way,don't let this situation devour you whole. You have to look after yourself too, keep yourself strong and content.
Remember, you are not the answer to her problems. And she should remember that too. Both of you need to get your head around this situation and everything else properly before the possible relationship can have any chance of succeeding.
She needs therapy for sure, but you talking things through with one couldn't hurt either. Just a thought.
Again, look after yourself,take care and let us know how things are going.
Hugs
Lily
xxx
A
female
reader, sweetie_pie3333  +, writes (26 November 2008):
wow...that's harsh...it must be really hard to be in this position. well what i would do is give her a day or two to think about whats going on and who she really wants to be with...but if anything goes wrong like she picks the other guy don't take it so seriously even though you may love her so much and she doesn't know what to do but all i really can say is give her some time and I'm sure everything will turn out ok but if not then don't take it seriously I'm sure you two can still be really good friends. but if she really does love you like you said because she almost died she would probably pick you but i don't really know I'm only 14 but yeah give her some time kk :D
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