A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married since last June, but we've been together since 2002. In 2005, I met a man. A great man. We fell in love so fast and effortlessly. But I was in a relationship and scared to leave for what I may have been giving up. Nonetheless, from 2005-now, we have been intensely in love with each other. We barely spoke, but when we did, our love was still very present.I married my husband because I love him, and his family, and our future together is the all-American perfect. We are like best friends... Siblings even. Therein lies the problem. The sexual chemistry has been gone since 2005. But everything else is there, with a few issues. The question is this: What am I supposed to do?? I can barely stand to be away from the other man anymore. I feel that life is too short and we are meant for each other in such a HUGE way. But at the same time, my husband is a great man, and we love each other very much. Just a different love than the all enveloping passion and devotion I feel with the other guy. I also love his mother and my family loves him. Its so hard. We have no children. Can anyone help me? I have no one to talk to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): yow.. that's some cat-fighting. lol.. um.. you didn't cause a hollaboob.. or whatever you said you caused.. I'm sorry that we have strayed away from your question.. and i hope you won't be afraid to ask questions in the future.. most of us understand that the people here seek help.. not bragging rights for doing something that they shouldn't be proud of.. anyway, please continue posting despite what has happened here. I stand by what i said last. It's isn't fair to your husband so i think you should end it. It doesn't look, seem, or sound like this passionate love you have for this other man is going to go away. I know you care about your husband so let him go and maybe he can move on in time.. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. i mean, this happened to me once, with a guy i'd been dating for over three years but that's nothign close to a marriage. I broke up with him by the way. I think having a sex life with your spouse is actually very important.. It would certainly make both people feel more attractive and wanted and loved.. and you would connect on a whole other level. There are many benefits to being with this man who you are in love with. Please let us know what happens..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): I am not the person from april 4 first of all. and to the original poster i hope everything turns out for the best for you. i really truly know what you are going thru. good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): From one anonymous writer to another, strange how you say "you oughtta make a profile and stand proud by your statements from behind your anonymous guise" Just to point out that you too post anonymously. Be that as it may:your points are noted. i also see that you have changed your style of writing, your initial ones were desperate. your last post had more depth, more justifying and honest, without the drama.I especially liked the "like the a middle aged, Christian woman, with many cats, possibly single,.....Bible thumping, mock turtle neck wearing, virgin cat lady" So all you Christians out there be warned, no more Bible thumping etc. I am not understanding your comments. Hundreds of people post their very expressive comments regarding the cons of affairs, yet you single me out as your sounding board. So all the people that post contrary comments about affairs her are just people who " just wants to get on sites like this to hurt cheating pieces of shit". You have never been more wrong. There are many people on this site both with profiles and those without that post scathing "attacks" on some original posters. Does their comments also make them into like the "middle aged, Christian woman, with many cats, possibly single,.....Bible thumping, mock turtle neck wearing, virgin cat lady". I think not. All just give their honest feedback and sorry if that does not sit well with you. We have never meant any harm.As I said before, Good luck in finding your happinessAs
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDenny- You've helped more than you know. I wish you and your lucky wife years and years of happiness and love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI certainly didn't mean to cause a big hullabaloo. I have appreciated all perspectives, the more kindly ones made me have a sort of renewed faith in the hearts of strangers. But even when I'm basically told to wear this scarlet letter A, I get it. I know what you're saying. If I may just offer some advice back:You make a valid point in defending the sanctity of marriage and the value of personal integrity. But to have assumed that you knew anything about my personal character and then to attack based upon that presumption was asinine and in doing so, invalidated your opinion coming accross as anything but mean. Based on your choice of words, your style of writing, and that you seemed to more be passing judgement than offering help to a fellow human on this long walk, allow me to let you know that my snap judgement of you was a middle aged, Christian woman, with many cats, possibly single, who may not know what love like this actually does to one's soul and logical thinking. Therefore, it's easy to stand by your idealistic conviction of marriage when you personally haven't seen it's real face in battle. Are you a Bible thumping, mock turtle neck wearing, virgin cat lady? Probably not. Just like I am not a mentally disturbed, cunning, manipulative, sick, Adulterer. I recommend if you want to continue on this site, helping people in your way, you oughtta make a profile and stand proud by your statements from behind your anonymous guise. It may make you come accross as someone who just wants to get on sites like this to hurt cheating pieces of shit, like me. But, again, thank you for your concern. In all seriousness. I found and appreciated the kick in the pants I needed, even buried under all the judgement.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Kindly post this comment as well:Part 2 to the anonymous female that slammed me:I have given some very valuable advise to a number of posters, and yes , some are harsh. I tell the posters what I feel, I just do not lead them down the garden path and only tell them what they want to hear. This will do them no good. We are adults, we need truth and we need to be frank. I would never suggest to a poster to go fall in the Sh*t, I will be doing more harm than good. Am I sensitive to the problems, sometimes. Am I harsh, sometimes. Am I judgmental, sometimes.Do I add value, sometimesDo I read a situation wrong, sometimesWould I give my opinion again, definitely yesSo please question your own motives before questioning mine. I also note that you post anonymously as well. You do not find me attacking you and your convictions.If you are the original poster to your question posted on 4 April 2009, “what is considered an affair”(or related comment), please note that you have been full of contradictions. You have slammed/ rebuked/bamboozled every poster that disagreed with your affair with the married man. You chastised each one and you demeaned each ones opinions. Why? Because it was not what you wanted to hear. You have blatantly been rude to all posters just because we do not have the same convictions as yours. To the original poster in this “I love…them both”, I am sorry to use your posting to clear up the air with the other anonymous female. Good luck in finding your happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): I do not mean to hi -jack this posting but need to respond to the anonymous writer who just berated me.I am the anonymous female writer " you hold the key to your happiness............" Pray do tell me anonymous writer "again we meet..............." what is wrong with my reasoning.Are you suddenly the only one to post comments here, if i differ in view why should you slam me about my comments. After all , I believe in a democracy and I believe we live in a democratic world. We are allowed to have different viewpoints therefore this beautiful world is just so damn awesome to live in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): falling in love is not a sin, perhaps being so undecisive is prolonging your pain. you have a lot of healing to do, you say that you do not want to hurt anyone. but i think that the person who is hurting now is you more than anyone else. how do you ease this pain, this hold gripping your very being. i actually do not know but what i do know is that something has to give, sooner or later you are going to crack. Denny has given some valuable insights. I liked his comments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): again we meet up with the anonymous female with no name slamming another person looking for advice. original poster didn't i tell you in the 3 response from the bottom that she was coming. i knew it. i think you are a honest person looking for advice on what you need to do in order for you do be happy. I do see that your husband loves you very much and that you love him, however i also believe that if you should be happy. If your husband knows that there is something truly missing in your marriage. He should want you to be happy. if he can't make you feel like a woman and thats what you are then he needs to help make this easy on you and agree. i know hes not going to do that but use your head honey thats why you have it. why waste three peoples lives with being unhappy. GO GET WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. I divorced to get what makes me happy and i am doing just fine. and i am your age so i no what is happening with you personally. why be someone your not when you can get that total makeover in your life. I wish you the best of luck. Do what makes you happy, not what makes other people happy. and yes his family will be upset but they can't make you happy. that is normal for them to think you should not hurt there son. but you said that you feel more like siblings than husband and wife, it should not be like that. there should be something more there and i think if you explain this to him he would understand. yes he doesn't want you to leave him, but something has got to give her. for you and for him. why live a lie when infact you are in love with someone else. go get whats yours honey and don't give up until you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are a really nice person, Denny. Your honesty and understanding really is so helpful. I feel less like a monster.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): you hold the secret to your happiness.
it's decision time, perhaps without the drama as you are feeling so overwhelmed by all this.
well, at least your husband can go on and meet someone who will suit him better, someone who will fulfill the need in him as your need is being met by this other man. the choice is then easy, choose your lover and be done with your husband. he will survive.
I also think that you need some major therapy so please seek some counselling. you need to heal through all this. i wish you well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband definitely feels a tremor in the force. He asks, "Are you leaving me?" "Don't leave me."I am taking this so hard because I genuinely do care about him. We make quite a pair. I look at him and knowing what battle is taking place in my heart and mind makes me want to stab my eyes out. Then his family, my God, they are my family too. We are all like the best group of friends that has ever been. That is another reason for my struggle. Whether or not it would work out with the other man is not an issue, I know it would. I don't screw around, contrary to what this situation may tell of me. Before I met this man I had never cheated on anyone, ever. I was staunchly against it, as my parents had a split, strike that, a CRACK in the PLANET, due to my Dad's infidelity with a family friend, whom he later married. This hurts me so because I am not supposed to be this woman. I am not a heartbreaker, I'm not a bombshell. I'm not a man-eater. I'm just a regular old girl who fell in love. Twice. My husband is also aware of our problems. He knows the situation inside and out. We have had discussion after discussion. I can't speak for him, but my needs stopped being met years ago. My personal needs. My husband feels like my brother due to it. We have sex. Maybe 6 times a year. We don't makeout. We don't get sexually intimate or playful. We don't see each other like that. We laugh all day. We finish each other's sentences. We know each other like the back of our hands. But I'm only 28. I feel like a 50 year old. I've tried to rekindle a spark with him. The other man and I didn't see each other for a year and a half. I worked, babies. HARD. I only had seen the other man for the first time in over a year on April 1st. I feel more feminine and sexual and adored and beloved and perfect than I have in what seems like forever. The guilt is killing me. But I feel recharged. I feel like myself. But this isn't going to continue on. It can't. I have reached the end of what I can physically and mentally take. I can't drag my husband through this war that he is completely unaware he is soldiering. I definitely cannot continue to damage the sweet, loving heart of the other man with my indecision and anxiety. I'm rambling, but I want you folks to know that I'm not taking this lightly. I understand that 4 years of damage is done to all 3 of us. But we are nearing the Grand Finale. Its showtime. I just don't know who I'll finish the scene with. Do I choose MY happiness or the happiness of everyone else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): the question is, who do you want, more than anything? You know that you cannot have both, you have got away thus far. Would you allow your husband the same liberties as you have allowed yourself.by not making a decision and just excusing away your involvement with your lover, how do you get out of this with yourself intact. you have been in this situation since 2005, yet you are no way nearer to giving up your lover or your husband. surely you can't be so selfish. you can only try to find yourself if acknowledge that you are doing wrong and you make plans to end this farce. if you really want to, you can. you just need to be honest and make a clean break with either one. You say that you are good, then "release" one, so that the other can go make his home with another. you have enjoyed both for so many years. surely you can see the errors of your way yet you continue.if you are miserable now, imagine what you will be doing to your husband. Does he love you so that he doesn't even suspect that you are an adulterer? Doesn't your lover mind sharing you as well. I am sure you are sleeping with both - this is so unhealthy? Are the only one in your lovers live? Is he sleeping with you and another as well? STD'S/STI's are a reality even though you are in a unreal situation. WE all have choices, when we choose it is a hard choice, but a necessary one. Can you choose and when will you choose?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlase'. If only. I am tortured, sick, agonized, disappointed, angry, defeated, nearly destroyed, and self-deprecating. 2005 opened my eyes to the fact that live spits you curve balls that are covered in shit and then set on fire. In 2006, I was diagnosed with a severe depression that nearly erased all recognizable attributes of myself. I couldn't deal with the fact that I was graced in knowing these TWO men that loved me with all their hearts. ME. And I was given the job of destroying one of them. I tried to forget. I tried to explain it away. I tried to blame God, The Devil, My Dad. I looked to faith, bars, art, friends. I have no relief. I do not sleep. I love my husband. I have almost my whole life. He is my best friend. But the other man is not a lover. He is the other half of me. And I have cursed God for allowing me to know he existed if it meant hurting everyone in my life. But I DO know he is out there. And I don't know if anyone could come back from that. There. I hope this drivel might shed light on the fact that I am very human, I am not sickly sweet or blase'. I am a heartbroken disaster, madam. Every day of my miserable life. But I am a good person in my core. I just am entirely lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): It is not about falling short of standards, my darling, it's being Blasé about your wrong doings. It is being false, it is being selfish, cunning, conniving. I am sure you would expect me to say well done. But because I challenge you, you attempt your moral high ground antics. We all make mistakes, but we do not attempt to sickly sweet, justify it.Marriage is only between 2 people, not husband and wife plus a lover.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's awesome. In lots of ways. The main one being that there are still Disney brainwashed women in this age that feel like love and life is that black and white.
Good luck to you, as well as any of the rest of us on this site who fall short of those standards.
Thank you for your comment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): you are having an affair with this other man, you are a cheater and don't deserve your husband. you want it all, your lover, your husband and hubby's good family. get up and smell the shit around you. you are creating it and pretty soon it will consume you. you make it sound so nice, so unreal that is what it is. you are a cheating married woman. thank God you don't have kids to betray as well.you should leave your decent husband and go find that the grass in not greener with your lover. sickly sweet, that is what you are. you do not think of the devastation you will cause your husband, you are betraying him and do not deserve a decent someone like him. leave him to find someone, better, right now, anyone is better than you. your comments are so cool, so charming, so SICKLY SWEET. please remember my words. you disguise your words, but the reality is that you are a home wrecker, a common cheater and unfaithful to your husband. Since 2005 you have been unfaithful and fooling yourself. Your husband is young enough to find someone else. Release him. Now. You don’t deserve him.Great American family, are you kidding. You are an adulterer. And as an adulterer you will get your just deserts. Great American family, will not tolerate your falseness any more. You rae living in LALA land, my dear.
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reader, growing up +, writes (13 April 2009):
it sounds that you can greatly benefit from taking time out from both take a mini trip do some soul searching and come back and really be honest with yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, ladies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Not very fair to your husband.. I'd end it before you REALLY hurt him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Honey i hope your in for a rude awakening with comments. i proposed a question similar to this and i got answers from both agree for me to be happy with the man i love and then you have some who don't agree, and say you should stay with the husband. just wanted to put that out there. i feel like you should sit hubby down and let him know not about the other man but about what your feelings are and what your concerns are. You have no kids and really nothing that is stopping you from being with the man you love. what if you were in my situation and be in love with a man and could not be with him due to other reasons. it you can be happy with your new guy then i would say go for it. don't be like me and let that special love pass you by. i hope you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): I think if you have the chance to experience that type of passion and devotion that you should go for it. And yes your husband will be hurt but in the long run this is whats best. If all you feel is a friendship, even kinship with your husband then obviously something isnt right. It all sounds very vanilla to me you know what I mean? The reason I am so sure of this is because I was in the same situation awhile back and I chose my husband. I have lived to regret that. This man that I was so deeply passionately in love with has moved on and I hurt for him every day of my life. Talk to your husband, salvage what friendship with him you can and go be with your soulmate. Good luck to you and let me know what you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Your lack of sexual chemistry with your husband could be due to your lust for this other man.
The way I see it is, you have a choice to make. If you can't stand to be away from the other man, you need to tell your husband the truth.
If your "American Dream" is more important than your chemitry with guy #2, then you need to end it with him. Either way you will probably have to end it with one of them...the question is, which one? That has to be your decision. It is amazing you have gotten away with it for as long as you have. Sooner of later...the shit is gonna hit the fan!
I know it is a difficult situation and a life-altering decision, but how long can you live this double life?
I wish you luck and hope you get what you want, and what you want is what you truly need!
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