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*lw0011
writes:I think my wife is going through a mid life crisis. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. She is always in a bad mood, sometimes worse than others. She was having an on line and telephone affair until I found out and called his wife. She will not talk to me, says she has no affection for me at all. We have been married for 30 years and she is turning 50 next week. This has been going on for about three months. I do not know what to do. I love her and want to save our marriage. Anyone have any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Rlw001,
Please check your mailbox for messages...I've sent you multiple messages, but you haven't read them.
Concerned for you,
Glownatural
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Well this puts a new light on your marriage. She has some deep seeded resentment and hasn't let go...overtime women will feel numb and are vulnerable to another mans affection. (that doesn't excuse the affair) At 50, she's coming to terms with it all, and is waiting it out to see if you will continue to love her, or end the marriage. If you are willing to love her through this, one day she will look at you different and 'truly' believe you're sorry. She then can forgive you, and your love for each other should be stronger. Take Care. (1 Corinthians 13 - Love Chapter)
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reader, Rlw0011 +, writes (18 October 2008):
Rlw0011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input. Let me fill in some gaps maybe will help with advice. She says that the reason she is angry is that during the course of our marriage I would pressure her to have sex. I would say things like if you love me you would. She says I did this over and over even though she told me it hurt her. She says this has led her to resent me and lose all affection for me. she says she cannot get over the hurt this caused. I admitted I did this and said I was sorry. This is something I have not done in several years though. I thought we always had a good loving relationship with no more problems the average. In July she started getting real upset with me and saying she hated me and wanted to leave. This is when I found out about the guy she was talking to on line. She met him on a game called runescape. she would sit and play this game for like 16 hours a day. She bought a web cam she said to talk with our daughter but it was to talk to him. They would met on the game and call each other and she also had a secret chat and email account with him. In August she left to go live with her sister. She told me she was not talking with him during this time. In September she came home. She said it was not to reconcile,but to settle things. Again she said she had not talked to him since she left and was not, but would if we did not stay together. I then found out she had been talking to him all along. I then put a keylogger on her computer. They were talking all the time and having cyber sex. they were calling, chatting and emailing. From the conversations I read it sounded like they were really madly in love, but have never met. Once she was playing the game before going to work and talking to me about the upcomeing election. After she left I checked the logger and while she was talking politics with me she was having cyber sex with him. He is married with three kids. When I called his wife he at first denied,but with proof said it was only make belief and he did not care about my wife and she did not mean anything to her. His wife said she would make sure he did not contact my wife again. She says they have not had any contact since. She has not used the computer at home and let her cell phone be cut off. But how can I believe what she says when she was doing this for over a year. she now says that the on line affair was just that, make believe. she says she knew he was married with kids, but did not care and knew he did not intend to ever leave his wife for her and she never planned on being with him physically. She says she does not want to leave me or get a divorce, but we will live separate lives in the same house. She goes to work, comes home and goes to sleep in a chair. She does not talk to me, I cannot touch her and If I say I love her or say something nice about her, she just says whatever. I have been told by a counselor I talked to that she is going through a mid life crisis. She goes to work dressed like a teenager, she is 50 and is really good looking. She has been going to the gym everyday for the last month. I am not sure I want to live this way, but I do not want to leave her either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): As my husband said to his sister when she turned 50 "you're now officially an old timer" she didn't laugh by the way...There's no excuse for your wife wanting an affair, she's resisting to accept her youth fading away, and that will cause depression and irrational behavior. You need to be a firm voice to let her know you love her, but can't help her if she pushes you away.
Talk to her about other friends turning 50, (the ones handling it well), and good things they're doing to give their live meaning and purpose....or some fun.
Have you planned anything special for her B-day? Can you suprise her with something she's been wanting??? and always say a prayer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Menopause/ mid-life crisis doesn't explain why she has fallen for some other guy. It's kind of ridiculous to explain her promiscuous/ cheating behavior as a result of hormonal/ age changes.
Your wife isn't living up to her "I do's" and I don't understand why you would continue to be with someone who is hurting you.
I suggest that you leave her. Honestly, I don't think it will get any better and you shouldn't wait around and waste your life for someone who doesn't even care. :-(
Do you have any evidence of her cheating in a tangible form? Everything will work out better for you if you do.
Hope this helps & good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Wow, poor guy! It sounds like she may be going through menopause, and at 50 then that's when it normally occurs, give or take a few years. If that is the case, that could certainly explain her moodiness, no affection. I'm going through it myself, and there are days when I just hate the whole world! LOL I'm sorry she was cheating on you, that must have hurt very deeply. Why does she not have any affection for you? Has she told you anything? Did you used to have a loving relationship? What is going on in her life? Did something drastic happen to you two or in her life that would make her suddenly act this way. Its really hard to make any determination when she won't talk to you, isn't it? Are you close to anyone that she is close to? Perhaps you could ask them to talk to her.I'm sorry, you sound like you really love her, and I can only imagine how you must feel. You need to get to the bottom of her unhappiness. I'd bet that is why she was having an affair, being so mean, ect. I mean, many women go through menopause (if that is what she may be experiencing, but we all don't have affairs.) I'm so sorry, I wish I could tell you more but there isn't enough info at this point.
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