A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello this is my first time to ever post on a relationship site, but have had problems with my wife for many years and have even separated for a year and she made all these promises that things would be different. She has a problem with drinking every night, not a lot really, but enough to where when she gets a good buzz the littlest thing will set her off and she will say very hurtful things with no remorse and her defense is "I'm just telling the truth, sorry you don't like it".Well...last night we went out of town, on a Wednesday, mind you i have 5am to 3:30 pm job. so we went so she could see her friends perform. We already were low on cash but I took her out anyways. We get there and everything is cool until she sees somebody she doesn't like, and that set the mood, I tried to change the subject and sit her somewhere else blah blah blah. Well the night goes on and she has already pounded about 5 whiskey and cokes and and a beer and was wanting more. I told her we didn't have the money and that I didn't want to buy anymore, for the record I don't drink alcohol, so this really upset her and she went on to say in front of everybody that (when we were split up for a year) that her date spent a lot more on her than I did. That's when I had enough and told her that maybe she should have had him bring her and I sat outside, so she got her stuff and said let's go home, so the whole 2 hour ride home was just her belittleing me saying I'm a stupid piece of s**t that ruined her night, hitting me in the head, saying she was gonna have sex with every man she can just to show me and so on and so forth....what do I do with this woman?we have been together for 10 years, we have a son, but she refuses to work and complains when she has to cook and clean, so most of the time when I get home from a hard days work,i have to take care of our child, clean the house do the dishes..If i knew how to cook I'm sure I would end up doing that as well. I'm at my wits end with her and I want a divorce but I don't want to put our kid through that, again, plus she made my life a living hell when we split. I love her but at the same time shes causing me to very much dislike her and I don't want that, any insight would be greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
divorce, money, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 July 2016):
 I think you done the proper thing first time around and ended things with her, she promised to change, but they where just words to get you back where she wanted you. Is this really the life that you want? I think the only mistake you done was taking her back.
She drinks daily because she is an alcoholic, sometimes people think that alcoholics just drink every minute of the day but that's not true, she is just as much an alcoholic. She depends on her drink in the evening to get her through the day, I bet if you asked her to stop she wouldn't, because she is dependent on alcohol. So even though she may not drink a huge amount does not mean that it is less dangerous, your son should not be growing up thinking that this is 'normal'. If she refuses to give up the drink, then I would be giving up the marriage, as she loves that more than you and her son.
She emotionally tortures you when she does not get her own way, she cannot control her drink and she lashes out at you when she cannot have more. Getting drunk is what she classes as fun. You are more responsible and she does not like that.
She is lazy, she refuses to work, refuses to clean and be a mother, therefore really I don't see why you are still with her. A lazy alcoholic. You and your son should move out and fight for custody.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 July 2016):
 Your wife is an alcoholic. Drinking daily to obtain a buzz is what alcoholics do. They tend to drink around the same time, same type of drink in a similar setting ... It has become a routine for her such that the purpose of a day is to get to the time when she will swallow alcohol. Everything that she says during the drinking phase is construed such that she is not seen as an alcoholic, and like all others, she makes the situation to be your fault.
In her case, I'd say her alcoholism is in an advanced stage because she seems willing to trade sex for booze. She used it as a threat, but that is actually a reaction to your threat of cutting her alcohol out.
Anyway, alcoholics do not seek treatment until they are faced with a catastrophic outlook for their life. Each alcoholic has a different cause for this view so I'd suggest you figure out what is it that she sees as the most devastating thing for her. I suggest this because an alcoholic will deny he has a problem and will reject treatment until such event, and that's usually too late for her and you. Perhaps leaving her maybe an event that would shake up her situation, but whatever it is, you have to do it not out of emotional impulse but out of purpose.
Nothing will change unless alcohol is addressed. It takes a willful mind change on her part to want to address the alcohol issue such that she goes totally dry. She has to desire that and from my experience dealing with alcoholics, generating that desire is the hardest part. That can be very hard work and emotionally tasking on your part. Since you say you are up to it for the sake of kids, then I'd invest just a little more to get her to be actively dry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2016):
 She isn't going to change OP, I think you know that.
Staying with her is NOT any better for your son than divorcing her. Trust me, he HEARS things, he SEES things, but he doesn't totally UNDERSTAND them. So what he is seeing is that it is OK for a person to verbally and physically abuse a partner. Which can lead to one of three things for him in his future.
1. he will date women who are abusive.
2. HE will BE abusive.
3. He will be the direct opposite of the two of you. IF he is lucky.
What is MOST likely is option 1. Men and women often end up dating people JUST like their mom/dad in some screwed up attempt to "fix" the past or because that is all they know. Quite a few studies have shown this.
I think you need to stop enabling her. That means NO buying her drinks when out. The moments she starts being verbally and physically abusive you walk away. If you are in your home, bring your son, go for a walk/drive.
If you INTEND on staying with her, I would suggest you two see a couples counselor. If she refuses? I'd start the divorce proceedings and sue for FULL custody.
I really don't see why you should GIVE up having a decent life in order to stay married to this woman. Saying you are doing it for your son? Sorry, I think you are doing your son a HUGE disservice by staying.
https://unhealthyrelationships.wordpress.com/verbal-abuse/begin/
Now that article talks about an abusive father, the story is the same, just with reversed genders. YOUR are the person being abused. While it doesn't happen as often wit ha man being the victim, it DOES happen.
https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/
My personal advice for you? SEEK help for YOU and YOUR son. Counseling and maybe you needs to take things furter and LEAVE her.
...............................
|
