A
female
age
30-35,
*allyn11
writes:Hi all! Back here again to seek your kind and generous advice. I have been married for 3 years and have a two year old kid. During the past three years I've had a lot of ups and downs with my husband because we have totally different personalities and sometimes don't see eye to eye. We have a 7 year age gap and perhaps that's why we have our differences.Recently we have bit getting on one another's nerves and just annoying each other for the smallest of reasons. When we fight, my husband uses vulgarities and calls me harsh words like "uneducated", "bitch" "c***" etc and it really really hurts me. I just swallow all the pain because it has come to a point where I have become too used to verbal abuse. In my first year of marriage I also sufferent domestic violence where my husband used to physically abuse me. However, because of my son, I decided to work this out with him and he stopped physically abusing me.On days that we fight, he even tells me that he regrets marrying me and wish he had chosen someone else. I tell him the same, that I wish I married someone else who was richer and better looking. He tells me that I am unappreciative and that he will never spend any of his hard earned money on me ever because I don't deserve a single penny. Despite all our fights, there are days where he is super nice to me, makes love to me, speaks nicely to me and surprises me with dinners. We had a fight just yesterday and today he came home with a luxury watch as a surprise gift which I totally wasn't expecting. He texted me with some pictures this evening asking me to choose a watch that I liked, so I chose one and said don't bother buying it cause I really don't want or need one (just because of all the fights and bad mood I was in).Why would he still buy me such expensive gifts after saying that I don't deserve a penny of his earning? After he says he regrets marrying me? After he goes cold on me? And after all the fights and verbal abuses? I don't see any happiness in it because I am hurt inside and no amount of luxury would make me feel any better. I must say that I think it's really sweet of him to still think about me while shopping and give me small surprises, but why is he so confusing? I don't know if there's even any love left at all? He tells me I am too needy and constantly bug him - so why would he still do all this for me?I am really confused with his mixed signals and it's driving me crazy. If he indeed does regret marrying me then he shouldn't be spending on gifts or taking me out for dinners right?Please help!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 July 2016):
 Do your parents know he's abusive?
tell them and see what they say about coming home.
then get a restraining order.
A
female
reader, Sallyn11 +, writes (19 July 2016):
Sallyn11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe would never agree to counselling nor divorce. I suggested divorce/separation once and he went berserk. He taunts me about that topic till today, saying that only a shameless and disrespectful woman like me would speak of a separation. I have left home twice, but ended up coming back because I felt like a burden to my parents while staying with them. I wish he would change but it seems like a very slim chance :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2016): Leave him. It will be hard. But do it call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1(800)799-7233. Please. And listen to what they have to say.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2016):
If you stay you teach your son that it's ok to verbally abuse women is that what you want for him?
He's not sending you mixed signals at all he's an abuser and the gifts are part of the cycle.
This has nothing to do with an age gap he would abuse any woman that would accept it. YOU are accepting it.
Much like me... my husband got sober and stopped hitting me and I stay even when he's verbally abusive. BUT I am twice your age, I have no children in the home and we are in counseling to work on our issues.
I doubt your abuser will go to counseling with you.
I strongly urge you to find a counselor yourself so you can find the strength to leave him or make him get help.
Your strongest power is to call an attorney and outline your issues. Abusers should not be permitted unsupervised visitation with their children as he may use your son to punish you.
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A
female
reader, BetteCliq  +, writes (16 July 2016):
The comments so far have given some really good advice. I was in a similar place to you not so long ago. It felt like being on a merry-go-round. I was always trying to figure things out, trying to unravel the behaviour. It wasn't until I left that I realised I was living in fog. I just couldn't see the wood for the trees.
Please tell the people around you what is happening. Don't waste your life in a situation like this. It won't get better and just because he isn't physically abusing you now it doesn't mean that he won't again. He's shown you he can and he might again. Maybe next time it will be worse and out of the blue.
Also you have a small child to think about. No child wants to like in a toxic atmosphere and kids pick up on more than you realise.
You deserve the best and nothing less. Same for your child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): Leave . Either tell a family member or friend and ask to stop with them or You need to find a womens shelter and get out of that relationship. your finding excuses for him saying he has his good days , he will never change and if you stay your son will grow up and think its ' normal' for men to abuse verbally or physically women . How long will it go on for ? when will it stop ? never hes been doing it for years . There are a lot of places that can help you. My friend went through an abusive relationship it got so bad her boyfriend threw an armchair at her one time and broke her knees another . She didnt tell anyone luckily she managed to escape the relationship and shes never looked back . Please leave this relationship for your sake and your sons .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): "What does he think I am? A doormat?"Frankly, yes. And given that you continue to put up with his manipulation and verbal abuse, he has no reason to believe otherwise. Do you really want your son to grow up believing that it's normal and acceptable behavior for a man to control and abuse a woman, and the woman is expected o just sit back and take it? Because that's exactly what will happen if you stay with this loser, and when he grows up he will live as an adult what he learned as a child therefore perpetuating the cycle of abuse and dysfunction.Sorry to be harsh, but you've made a grievous mistake in marrying this guy and a worse one in having a kid with him; now you're stuck with him in your life for the next sixteen years even if you leave him as you should.He's never going to change and he is very likely to revert back to physically abusing you if he can't manipulate and control you verbally. And when (if) you ever wise up and stand up for yourself and dump him then he will move on yo the next insecure, needy, younger female whom he can lure into his clutches.Please call your domestic violence hotline or hospital emergency room for advice on how to safely extricate yourself and your son from this toxic situation. You need to get away from him ASAP and you need assistance in doing so.
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A
female
reader, Sallyn11 +, writes (15 July 2016):
Sallyn11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind advice. I agree with you and you make total sense. He is basically trying to manipulate me by thinking he can abuse me and then forget everything by pampering me with gifts. But in all honestly, it doesn't make me a single bit happy. Because today he gives me the gift and tomorrow he will say "you have been a b**** to me and you don't deserve it. I am going to rake it away and give it to my mom". What does he think I am? A doormat?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): HiI'm sorry to tell you that the present buying is all part of the abuse. It's a common tactic among abusers. Presents, dinners, being loving and caring etc etc. It's all part of it. It's to throw you off balance. So you never know who you're going to be getting that day....Jeckyl or Hyde. So you're confused. That's how abusive men like their women. Confused so that you're always trying to work him out. Confused, so you're spending your time, energy and head space on trying to work them out instead of spending it on you or someone other than them. It's also part of something called 'trauma bonding' or 'betrayal bonds'. It is a well documented psychological phenomenon that happens during abusive relationships.The phenomenon is called 'The Helsinki Syndrome'. When someone is abusive towards us, and then they are nice, we apparantely feel much closer to them than we would in a 'normal' relationship. We feel the nice gesture more keenly than we would if someone was behaving towards us in a decent manner all the time. We are more grateful for the nice behaviour, which is in such a contrast to the behaviour we normally experience. This means that we create much stronger bonds with that person and therefore it makes it harder for us to leave. I was in an abusive relationship and three years later I'm still selling stuff that was bought for me. Nearly every day he bought things for me. My birthday was a highly anticipated event, talked about for three months before it. I couldn't believe I had someone so wonderful that he started to think about it so early and would never have forgotten in a million years. Except I never got what I wanted for my birthday, except once and he complained about how much it cost although I was persuaded that it wasn't an issue at the time. Every time he went out, he came back with something for me, exactly the same as your husband does.It's all for show I'm afraid. His real aim is to control, confuse and manipulate you as I'm sure you're aware from your past experiences with him. This is no different. Please read an excellent book that I read on the subject. I read many books when I finally realised what was happening and in my opinion this one is the best. It's called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It will be empowering for you to finally understand what is going on in his head. If anybody suggests that you sit down and discuss anything with him, I will first of all recommend that you do not. Unless you enjoy banging your head against a brick wall. He doesn't want resolutions and harmony. He is not rational or logical. He is controlling, manipulative and abusive. If you try a discussion he will either tell you what you want to hear or explode in your face. Either way, nothing will change.Please read the book, there will be an 'ah ha' moment on every page. Good luck
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