A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know you've all heard this one a million times before, and I've searched this site for a possible answer to my worries, but I just can't seem to find one for me.I'm 15 years old and I live in the UK. Plus, I'm deeply in love with my teacher. I know what you'll say (it's just a crush, I'm still so young, I don't know what love is, this is wrong) but I can tell you now, every molecule in my body is screaming out that I love this man to pieces. He's 24, an English teacher with one of the best personality's I've managed to stumble across and treats himself more like a student compared to someone in charge. And eventhough I love him too much, I realise that I need to step back and just let him go.He's engaged, and actually the marraige will take place next month. I've heard a lot about his fiance - he's told some information to my class and to me personally when I go to him for help or career advise - and from what I've gathered, she seems really nice. I don't want to ruin anything that they have.Due to problems that occured with my father (I got emotionally abused, branded suicidle by my counsellor and put on the risk column by social services), my school refused to let me go there anymore. They just wanted me out of there, and they knew the only reason I stayed with my horrible father was because school was my release - he was my saviour; the only person that could make me smile, no matter how bad I felt.And so I was forced to move away to Wales and live with my mum, who trys her hardest to keep me happy.But here's my problem:I miss him too much to even begin to explain to you. Everyday, all I want to do is curl up and cry; my heart mourns that I can't see his smiling face anymore, and that I won't feel that rush of love that filled me completely again. I've accepted the fact that we can never be together, but to just talk to him and be friends with him would be enough to end this constant torture.I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that if things do carry on like this, I'll be tempted to do stupid things again. Love really hurts, and I know so many people have experienced heartbreak (plus I know this is nowhere near as bad as some people have it) but I'm young, unexperienced to this and I just don't know how to handle it.Is there some way I can stay in contact with him without him getting suspicious of my feelings, or without him getting in trouble with my old school?Thank you for reading this, and please reply with an answer. x
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female
reader, Love is all you need +, writes (1 August 2009):
 you could look for his number or maybe tell your mom about him and say you really want to go back cause you love him with all your heart and need him or you'll fall to pieces like i'm sure you cry yourself to sleep ever night. Or even go near where he stays for a day or visit your friend after school and wait for him.
hope this helps...xxx
A
female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady +, writes (28 July 2009):
Ok;;; i can tell you straight away what yopu have told me is escapism. You had all these issues with your father and immediately you displaced your emotions onto this teacher at school as a way out - as a fantasy you could lose yourself in to get away from reality. This is why you are feeling so bad; because you unconsciously set your mind to something else to help you deal with the pain that was coming from the rest of your life; and without this teacher you are only left with pain and can't face it (this is why you displaced it before - you can't face the pain). People often deal with things by replacing obsessions or needs with other things: like people who take up hobbies when things get bad and try to absorb themselves in it. At your age what you are going through is horrible, and i think you are very brave to have made it this far, and i think you are brave enough to get through this. Any contact with this teacher will not make you feel any better at all. The longer you are without this teacher the easier it will get - there are bad days and good days. As you get older you will change so much as a person that this will become the past and you will learn from it for the future. If you try to hang onto this it will affect you very badly, as you will develop a dependancy much deeper than the one you already have. Contact means alleviation of progress. You will never get closure; this is the problem - it isnt the lack of closure it is the seeking of it. This teacher is just a man;; there are many men. You are strong, you will get through this; to go after something that only makes you feel bad in the long term is pointless and destructive. It is natural to try and alleviate pain by focussing on something else but it will not work in this case - you cannot stop feeling pain from what happened with your father by losing yourself in fantasy. All you can do is say 'all this crap happened to me, but i'm still here. I;m ok, and i will not let this affect the rest of my life.'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): I know exactly how you feel. I'm really sorry, but I don't have an answer for you, but I know that all this time I've been going through this, I've just wanted someone who understood. Do you feel like that? I'm 15. About 10 months ago a pre-service teacher came to our school in Australia. He was Canadian. Long story short, he flirted with me, I flirted with him as a joke for my friends, and eventually I became completely infatuated by him. All good and well, before I realised I only had one week until he flew back to Canada. At the time it didn't seem like a big deal, and when he promised me that he'd try and come back the following year, I honestly thought that he would, and being the naive girl that I was, truthfully thought he was coming back for me. I was very sadly mistaken, and when the school year for 2009 began, and he didn't show up, you can only imagine in what a mess I was. For a good solid 2 months I'd waited for him, crying my heart out most nights because I missed him so much. And then he didn't show up, just like he'd promised. I didn't even have a clue what lay ahead of me. Months of sleepless nights, endless social problems, family fueds, feeling utterly depressed all the time, terrible school grades; my whole life fell apart, all because I decided that I wanted to be funny and flirted with a 25 year old. With whom I got the most immensely powerful feelings for, and whom I'm never going to see again. I can only put it down to one thing: closure. You need it hunni. Otherwise, you'll end up like I did and go through months upon months of endless heartache. While it may not seem appropriate to be e-mailing or texting or talking online to your former teacher, trust me you need to say goodbye. I found it immensely cruel for that teacher to promise me he would come back, and then not actually do it; although I realise now there may have been other contributing factors. The fact is I can't move on. And it may sound extremely sad and tragic, but I just can't. Don't do that to yourself, it's not a burden you want to carry. I miss him so much, so much. It hurts every time one of my friends mentions their boyfriends because I know I don't have that, and I feel that I probably never will. I don't want anyone else; all I want is an explanation. I hope this helped, and seriously consider contacting him, just to say goodbye. xoxoxo
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 The only response you need is the one you have just read from 'nikki' her words are filled with the wisdom of one who has experienced your pain and survived it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): i have recently had the same problem but he was a teaching assistant and we saw each out of school hours it took me two years to pluck up the courage to add him to facebook and finally when we started having deep conversations and meeting up i moved.
i havent seen him in almost 4 months and even though i speak to him on msn and facebook i have started to get over him i would say contact him on facebook if he has it or any social site like bebo and myspace and that and just ask him how everything's getting on.
the best way to deal with this issue though the same as i have just forget find something to distract you i.e another man or boy and even thought you know your not attracted just concentrate on them it really helps and it also helps building your social skills up while joining a new school it has so far worked for me and even know i did used to visit him out of school hours i have now realized where that boundary is. the only way to truly get over him is to try forget. There is no problem keeping in contact teachers are aloud according to my form tutor but that boundary will always be there until your older. the thing is for you i dont think it would help getting back in contact with him i hope everything works out for you as its starting to for me.
Mikki, 15
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