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female
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anonymous
writes:can someone help me sort my head out? Im getting divorced from my husband of eleven years...he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore although he did still love me as we have two kids(10 and 8)and has been having an affair for two years.it came like a bolt of lightning as although we had a few probs there never seemed anything majorly wrong(except I wanted him to spend more time with me as we hadnt been out together for almost a year.)he never maked the effort so i guess it has been quite bad!!thing is he left 3 months ago and the divorce is almost final...no complications etc. I have met someone else and had been getting my life to how i wanted it to be...my new man is wonderful..he is caring without being clingy and helpful without being pushy.He knows i want my independence but is there whenever i want him.I love him..the kids have met him and spent some time with him and get on really well.He has told me he loves me and wants to spend every moment he can with me..I feel the same...so can someone tell me why did I break down in floods of tears when My ex told me he was going to marry the "other woman" as soon as both their divorces are final?(yes she was married too)? that was yesterday..Today i feel ok with it..i know he is moving on and i am too but he thinks the fact that i was in tears mean that i dont love my new man?I cant stand my ex for everything he has done and the lies he has told me but he has got me questioning my every thought!! i have been with my new man a month now...he is so much like me..similar tastes, temperments,hopes in life..we are like two peas in a pod..i cant stop kissin him!! i feel wonderful when im with him and awful when im not.so why did i cry????
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): As most have said, it is perfectly normal. It finalizes the separation. And after over 11 years of being together, it hurts to know he will be sharing his life with this other woman. When you first heard of the upcoming marriage, it was unexpected and your emotions took control. You and your soon-to-be ex, have a long history together. It's understandable and healthy to let those emotions out. It's not a reflection on your new relationship. They are emotions that most likely you have surpressed due to anger, and pain.
I wish you luck with your new relationship! Consentrate on that and let go of your past with the ex!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): It is normal after eleven years together. The matter is also very recent and this plays a part too. How you reacted doesn't have to mean you don't love your new partner, but he is not a substitute for your ex husband for sure. What you shared with your ex for such a long time, the joys and sorrows and all the memories cannot be erased and should not be replaced by a new partner. This is not the purpose of a new relationship. It can also be that you feel nostalgic because he is representative of a certain period of time that you will close the door to, or even feel gutted that he found someone else so soon (your wounded ego reacts) but when you dust off the initial surprise you know it's not an indirect affront to you so take time to realise this and let it sink in. There are undoubtedly remnants from your old relationship that are visible in what you have become, and things you have learned between each other. These remnants should not be burned out. They are natural to exist. The harder you try to forget when you impose this upon yourself, the more your memories are incited. Your new partner doesn't just help forget the ex because he occupies an own important part in your life. You must lift yourself above this matter and train your thoughts to become more serene about the changes that occured. It is normal how you are feeling right now. Just one day, maybe very soon, you will think about this and not a single hair of your head will be hurt (this will happen naturally in time without effort). Meanwhile try and focus on your new partner and if you talk about this issue, let him know he is valued.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Because you can't turn off your emotions just like a faucet. You loved your husband, you loved your life, your family, your marriage and he ended it in a cowardly, deceitful way by cheating on you, and worse than that his lover cheated on her family too, so they have ruined two families. You are most likely devestated and instead of facing your pain, you are putting it aside and reaching out for help from the new guy and he is trying to take care of you emotionally. Just be cautious that a lot of times these types of relationships do not work out because you need time to heal emotionally and get your legs back up under you. It would be really best for you to face this on your own, maybe get some help through therapy and give yourself time to get back to being you outside of a couple...it is important for your success in life and for your self esteem and spirit. Your ex has crushed your spirit and he doesn't deserve your tears, but you will have them because you are grieving a huge loss. Things will get better, but you cannot push your feelings down and ignore them.
One thing you can probably count on is that their marriage born out of infidelity will not likely last. Statistics show through studies on this that these kinds of relationships have less than 1% chance of lasting more than a year after they tie the knot.
As for you and your new man, I am glad you feel better, but you are on the rebound! So understand that and keep that in mind.
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female
reader, bubbles 53winks +, writes (7 February 2009):
Hi there well i have gone through the same as you and was married for 32 years, and my husband after a year is still liveing with her, I have also meet someone, But i think what has hurt you is that you have been replaced so fast him haveing an affair was bad enough then he marries her, But you now feel that you dont have strong feelings for the new man in your life,That is because you have been hurt lost all your confedence. made to feel as though your whole marriage was a waste of time. But hon dont.Just make sure that you are with this new guy for the right reasons,If the new guy said to you that he doesnt want to see you again would you be upset. if the answer is no then he is not right for you. just enjoy life we only have one chance at it. And remember what goes around comes around
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Well if it’s any consolation to you, I would also frikkin cry. You guys were married for 11yrs and he deceived you and your kids for 2yrs. He might have turned off the love tap, but you still love him. I know you say you can’t stand him but he was a part of your life for a long while. It’s natural to grieve. Your ex had 2yrs to get use to the end of your relationship, where you only have had 3 months. Just take it easy with the new man. What I am trying to say is don’t jump from the one pot into another pot. Grieve for the end of your relationship and enjoy taking baby steps with your new man.
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