A
female
age
41-50,
*ixedupmomma
writes:I've been married for over 10 years to my highschool sweetheart. We have two children. He's a good dad and husband. Neither of us have other sexual partners. I am attracted to another man. No lines have been crossed, and I doubt this guy even knows. I am struggling with my feelings. I love my husband. But I find myself wondering what I have missed, would this guy be interested in me etc? What do I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Hi,
I understand exactly how u feel, cuz I just experienced it this past week. I've been married for 7 yrs, and my hubby is great in all aspects, except sex....he just seems not to understand that its reciprocal.The guy in question is someone I met via online classes and had only met once, a few months back..although I never thought anything of things then.
Last week, I happened to be in his base city for a week-long meeting and called him up to say hi. We went out for drinks and there was just this really strong vibe between us all evening, we ended up making out, but nothing more.
I did ask him not to complicate issues by texting or sending funny mails, which he agreed to and he's since kept off.
Funny thing is that I keep hoping to see him online now to chat..cause I really enjoy his acquintanceship.
Sorry, I dont seem to have a solution to ur situation, just wanted u to know that it happens to us all, at one time or the other.
Cheers & take care...
A
female
reader, ray-ray  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 I think you should stay with your man because your kis will be very sad and become angrey and if you've known your "sweetheart" since highschool i think you should stay with him all the best
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): I have to let you know that I am attracted to another man to a great degree. I too have a wonderful husband and two great kids. But somehow after 17 years of marriage, one in which both me and my husband had always been honest about being attracted other people, I found myself in a situation where I was alone with a man that we have known forf a very long time. My husband used to make jokes that he ought to come over one night and join in. Of course there has always been a very high sexual tension between me and the other guy (i refer to him as "3"). Anyway, we were alone in broad daylight and ended up kissing and a little touching. I felt like I was 17 again! Now I know why men try to say sex is just sex and making love is making love. I now know what they are talking about. I have been with this man a number of times and it is incredible. But the incredible thing is just knowing that that part of my life is my own and nobody knows about it. For once in my life I don't have to be perfect and fulfill someone else's needs. I fulfill my own for just a short while. Me and my husband have had conversations just in case one of us ever wanted to be with someone else sexually. Actually it was him that prompted the following rules: can't interfere with marriage, family, and we go to bed together and wake up together. No overnights! I think he wanted the rules for himself and he didn't think I would ever use them. Well I have. And it is wonderful. Me and my husband have a great sex life. We are very inventive, creative, energetic, and loving. So what I do is not about the sex for me. It is just about the rush. I know my husband has had a close relationship with a coworker which I put a stop to because that is my rule. Nobody you work with. Ever. I am used to men hitting on me and my husband is proud of it. He gets hit on too. But he figures I have always been such an ethical person that I would never do anything. I do not take off my wedding rings and have never lied about being happily married. Because I am. Actually I am more happy now than ever. I do not see this person very often. Maybe once a month or two. But we have not been together since May. We are trying to line something up but our schedules don't always cooperate. Think long and hard about what you want. Talk with your husband and ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. You might be surprised. After I got over the initial shock of it all I embraced it. Oh, we have one other rule... don't ask, don't tell. Brings me back to what my mom would say,"don't ask a question that you are not prepared to hear the absolute worst answer to". I am fine with the way things are right now. By the way, my best friend is a man and he knows what has happened and doesn't like it but understands it. We are together quite a bit and we have a comfortable friendship. It's nice to have someone that I can tell all this to and know that he would never burn me. He likes my husband very much but realizes that this is my decision and only mine. Funny thing, sometimes he acts like my big brother and wants to "have it out" with "3" but I have convinced him that I can handle my own affairs. No pun intended. He's pretty high up in law enforcement and could do some serious damage if I were to allow it. But this is my life and only mine. My family is well taken care of and happy. Again, think long and hard before you do anything. But I would definitely pose that question to your husband. That may even be enough to jolt him out of his stupor and realize that he has a great woman and he better straighten up. Hope something helps and have a great summer. I know I am.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Make an appointment with a marriage counselor pronto! If your husband won't go, go by yourself, to start with.
Your husband needs a wakeup call to see that you both have to do some work to save your love for each other. It's not too late to avoid serious trouble, but if you don't change something, you'll continue to drift apart until one or the other of you has an affair and causes a lot of pain. Affairs happen when a spouse isn't fulfilling a need-- you need appreciation, which you aren't getting through your marriage, which is why you're attracted to the other guy. Your husband needs something too-- though you're diligent about providing him with domestic support, etc., that may not be what he wants most now. The best thing to do is to get him thinking about what he's missing from the marriage, and how you can supply this need.
I've been in this situation too where I thought I was fulfilling my husband's needs, but in the realized that I was just projecting what I thought he should need. Whereas, for instance, he would have been happier with a messier house but more spontaneous, crazy fun.
Best of luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Well, poster, I wish you the best. From your update, it seems like you're doing your best and your mutual problem doesn't change. I do hope you and your husband solve it.
As to being attracted to other men, it will happen again. I suppose that, if everything is OK at home, you will find it much easier not to give in.
This problem has two sides to it. One is the fact that there's trouble at home. The other is that you feel you want to give in to the other guy. I think both things are connected, and I don't think you will find a satisfactory solution to your attraction to the other guy if you don't find a satisfactory solution at home, too.
It is clear you will do the right thing and you will cut your ties with the other guy. You will find help from his side: he stopped the flirting once he knew you were married.
I honestly wish you the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, mixedupmomma +, writes (27 June 2008):
mixedupmomma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses guys.
I know that he hasn't crossed any lines, and doubt that he will. (I told him if I found out he had lied anymore, he was gone.) We live in the country and he'd either with me or the kids when we are out. Either way it has caused trust issues.
As for the "winning him" I honestly don't know what more I can do. I am affectionate with him. I know that he works hard and don't ask or nag him when he comes in. I take care of all the household stuff, finances etc. So it's not like he's stressing about that stuff. I take care of myself, wear clothes that he likes, dress up for him when we are alone. As for our intimate relationship, it's up and down. Usually the ONLY time I get any extra effort from him is when he knows that I am upset and it's the only way that he's gonna get anywhere.
I don't want anyone to think he is horrible. We have our issues. And yes they are pretty big ones. But if you put that aside, he is a good person. He is a very hands on dad. And we get along fine otherwise (no fighting etc). Yeah, he's probably taking for granted that I am here and not going anywhere.
Maybe the just of it is, my husband sees me as his wife, mother of his children and nothing more. (Even through I've told him there is more to me then that.) That's the attraction to the other guy, he admires that I am a dedicated mom, he knows I love my husband, but he sees beyond that and I feel better about myself.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 June 2008):
I disagree a bit with Lonewolf. Don't "hope" that your husband will notice the great wife he has. That is the same as "hoping" he won't cheat, though all the signs are there. After ten years of marriage, I bet he knows the good woman he has. There is a problem in the bedroom, and it is not getting solved. That is what you have to tackle.
Maybe you're also attracted to this other man as a way to get even. Don't do that.
If your husband doesn't see it, let me tell you that I do see how virtuous a woman you are.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 June 2008):
Poster, you feel attracted to this man because he is giving you the undivided attention you don't seem to be getting at home. It's not just nature at work; it's also the dynamics of your situation. I won't cast a stone at you, and I don't think anyone would. It is clear this is not just a money or status thing. It's a human reaction.
Your update brings another piece of information. There is trouble in your marriage. His case is different from yours. While you met this guy working, that is, in an "innocent" manner, and you have avoided him when you feel sensitive, your husband is actually looking for someone else, someone who won't come to him by chance. We don't know how far he's gone with this. Someone can just be curious about what is going on in the rest of the world. But, becoming a member of a dating site is a different thing.
Your husband's explanations don't sound convincing. Still, perhaps he hasn't gone too far. The question that is in the air is, will he?
This is an issue you should try to solve with him. Don't just let it go, in the hope that it will improve by itself. Sit with him and solve it.
Don't get involved with anyone else. The other guy may be a good person, but he's off-limits.
...............................
A
female
reader, mixedupmomma +, writes (27 June 2008):
mixedupmomma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses.
This other guy is someone I use to see regularly through work. He has always been complementary. Very friendly. Made me laugh etc. This wasn't a bother to me because of my line of work. Until I realized he didn't know I was married. (We'd moved and no one knew how I was connected in the community.) He still was friendly but stopped with the flirting.
Although we have a good marriage, my husband and I have had some ups and downs in the last year. This mainly related to our intimate relationship. We have had many a conversation about this. He's told me "I don't like ____. " and I will try and improve things. It hasn't worked the other way. He claims to want to make me happy, but doesn't seem to want to actually do anything. Something little like having a date night, is a fight.
This past winter I discovered he was looking at dating sites for "intimate encounters". I confronted him and he said it was nothing, he was just curious (he'd heard my single girlfriend mention it once). Although the "I guess I didn't delete everything", didn't sit well. I asked if he had any memberships etc. He said no. A week later, I found out he had a membership for a different site. His profile had him looking for intimate encounters, along with other things. When I confronted him he said it was nothing. And told me it was because of a conversation we'd had about trying new things in the bedroom (swinging was not what I meant!) It was deleted and as far as I know he's never crossed the line. But it was a big blow to my self esteem that he was looking, especially since he was looking up local women that just wanted sex.
It was after this whole thing that this other guy started looking attractive. I'm not naive. I know the "grass isn't always greener". I am not looking to have an affair. I have avoided this guy when I am feeling overly emotional because I know how the attention he shows effects me. It's not a status or money thing. (He works in the same line as my hubby).
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 June 2008):
I agree with Annalisa. The fact that you're in a very happy and fine-tuned relationship doesn't mean you won't feel attraction for anyone else. So will your husband, by the way. But you just can't go with the winds. I think you would expect him to resist that temptation. He expects the same from you.
What you're feeling is in no way impure. It's just inappropriate. You should not give in to it.
You will miss something, because the other person is a good human being, too. But that will be OK. It's how it's supposed to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Hi there,
Please dont cross this line, it will lead to all sorts of problems and mess up everything you have with your husband and not to mention kids....i am not saying for one moment you are or even considering this as i know your question is directed to whether or not your have missed out.
I dont believe you have missed out at all. Sometimes people believe further fields are greener, but this is not the case, things are complicated and get messed up.
Of course,its normal for you to find other people attractive even when your married, of course you are curious as to what it would be like with someone else especially when both you and your husband have never been with other people and its also normal that you feel drawn to certain people and this is going to happen every now and then, but at the the end of the day you have loving relationship and 2 wonderful children, i know people who would love to be in your situation. What you have with your husband is very rare and good for you for finding that truly special someone.
Believe me, its not all it cracked up to be. Being in a committed relationship where you trust the person, sex is always better.
Hope this helped, take care
...............................
|
