A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I often wonder how I ended up here, I mean right in this moment, pining for someone I can not have, when I have someone so wonderful by my side. I’m married and in over a week, we’ll be sharing our first anniversary, together. I believe in the vows we’ve made and I would never do anything to hurt him. That’s just not in my nature, but lately I’ve been feeling so disconnected from him. He works a lot of nights and sleep through half of most days and it feels like we’re always out the door on our way somewhere. When we do spend time together, we’re always worrying and fighting over money and bills, to the point that it I want to block my ears to make it all stop. My thoughts are so jumbled as I sit here, that I can not string a thought together. I feel so trapped in a life I hate for no apparent reason other than that I think I want someone that I can never have. He is a good friend, who is gentle natured and has the most beautiful big heart of anyone I know. He is recently separated from his wife and says he is not looking for a relationship. I know this not because I asked, but because it has come up in general conversation. I don’t know what it is about him, but all I want is to be near him. I picture us together, I’ve dreamt about it and lately I have felt the ache in my heart and the tears burning behind my eyelids, threatening to fall. I wonder if it’s all just me feeling the need to run from my life and my marriage because I often feel that I’ve made a mistake and that I should have waited. I wonder if I should have walked away before he put the ring on my finger, because after all, I wasn’t looking for anyone when I met my husband.This man comforts me when I’m feeling sad, compliments me all the time, even for the smallest things, which most people don’t notice and laughs at my jokes and when I’m with him, I feel so connected with him, that I wonder if anyone notices. He has never made a move on me, but I wonder how I’d react if he did. Would I let him? Would I reciprocate? My husband and I have always been compatible on an intellectual and spiritual level, not so much on the physical level. I haven’t been comfortable about the idea of sex between us for quite some time and I feel this stems from the previous relationship I was in.I wonder if I would go all the way with someone else when I don’t desire it in my own marriage. I wonder if the connection I seem to have with this other guy is just an emotional connection, which is result of him being there for me more than my husband is. I feel so jealous when he is holding someone else, wishing I was that person in his arms. I feel so strung out at the moment. He is like an addiction I can’t control.I know this is wrong, because my husband trusts me and I should be directing my energy towards making things work between us in stead of looking elsewhere for affection. I crave it so bad. I believe in soul mates and that it’s possible to have more than one. I never expected to know both of mine, nor did I expect I would have to face the decision of which one I am meant to be taking this journey with. What to do....
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anniversary, jealous, money, move on, soul mates, soulmate, trapped Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate on my dilemma.
I've tried talking to my husband about the things that are bothering me. All i get are excuses and him telling me it's all in my head. We went away on our holday to celebrate our anniversary and as much I tried to enjoy it and reconnect, my heart wasn't in it.
As I write this he is being consoled by the man I have feelings for - neither of them know it and I don't want to tell either of them, at this time because one, i'm not sure and two, I'm trying to protect both from being hurt.
I am trying to do everything the right way and there is no way I want to play either of them. I am staright up honest and I want to remain that way. I would never cheat, there fore the only option is to separate and give myself time from the husband to think about things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): please please please dont go there. take it from someone who has been there. if you are feeling neglected in your marriage open up to him and seek professional advice. i wish i did. good luck
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A
male
reader, raven100  +, writes (8 August 2009):
ok, I see, remember I'm not judging you. I just want to tell you that you will not be happy if you just look for happines in another new man. A new man will be an old man in the future. Ask yourself: what did you see in your husband when you were dating? Were you idealistic? Maybe you have the same feeling towards the new guy. What if it's only your imagination? what if this is just a mistake ... can you try to see in your husband the same man as it was before?what do you expect from relationship? what are your rules of living? Do your husband know your rules? Do your husband know what you need? try to talk with him, just cry together, smile together, just try ...take care,R.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbelieve me, I feel rotten about the whole thing and really stupid. It's only because I don't want to hurt my husband that I haven't and don't PLAN on doing anything. I'm just confused about my feelings at the moment.
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A
male
reader, raven100 +, writes (8 August 2009):
Hi,what can i say ...You are an idealist, am I right? You believe in an imaginary soul mates? what is that? what is that you really want? I know that many people want things they do not have or can't have. You must ask yourself: what might happen if i cheat on my husband, and i'm gonna loose his love. What if my imaginary soul mate is only in my head. what if it's only ma imagination? what you gonna have then? i think that only a great depression.What is my advice? Just find your happiness within you, don't try to find your happiness in any person on this world because it's impossible.The true happiness is internal happiness. We are the answer for the question about the meaning of life. We are that answer and it reflects in our deeds.Try to be honest, fight for your husband, it's not too late. Tell him what is wrong, try to talk with him every day, cos this is the only way to be close to him. And this another guy? well well, what if he didn't heep you at the distance, wouldn't it be so amazing?Don't ever say that you can't control your thougths and feelings, we can control only these ones. We can't control another people, weather etc. You must be aware of your strenght.I'm sure that you don't really, really know the deepest sides of your friend soul. I think you just idealized your friend. And so what, he is so fantastic, are you also so fantastic for him? after living with him it can change, it can change drastically, you can also have problems. We all have problems, but we have to know how to cope with them. Don't escape your husband, don;t abandon him without fight. You promised him and God you be with him in good and bad times. try to be strong and try to communicate. I'm sure i can love anybody in that world, but it's so important i choose the good woman, who gonna love me and be with me in bad and good times.Remeber, if you think about your friend as your partner your briend gonna believe in it more and more. What are mind can create, our mind can believe in it.God bless you:)R.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 August 2009):
 You can dress it up anyway you want, but if you cheat, you are a cheat.
You seem to take the view that we are helpless to our emotions, that we can not help but act if we are in lust, oh sorry, found another soul-mate.
You want your cake and eat it too. Rarely works. Stop making excuses for your actions. Either you are with your husband or you dump him for someone else. Right now your entire post is just trying to find excuses for being able to cheat on your husband so that you can play both guys. If you were a male you would be torn to shreads for posting this.
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