A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a newly wed of only 9 months and my husband seems to want to look at porn instead of me..I am a 34 years old and he is 39..I want to be with him often but when I try to get him aroused he says he is tired but then after I go to sleep he gets up and on the computer and looks at porn and "takes care of his self".There have been nights that he falls asleep when we or should I say I am rubbing and kissing on him..He never has the energy for me but he seems to always takes care of his needs..I love him but I feel sick to my stomach when I think that he has to look at other women to relieve himself when he has a wife that would love nothting more than to do it for him..I feel very unloved,unwanted and alone.Some one help me,please.What can I do to want him to be with me?
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female
reader, wildflower +, writes (24 December 2008):
I have one solution - LEAVE HIM NOW!!! I have been married for 9 years and just recently separated... he did porn before we were married and I thought 'I' could change him... Sweetheart you will never change him ok? Porn doesn't end at porn - it continues to affairs, losing jobs, and horrible personality traits that only God himself could endure. I wasted 9 years darling - don't you do the same. Unless he is willing to check into a clinic and actually get help (which my husband never was willing and very few porn addicts are) - save your pennies and get out of there!!!! The results will be great if you save yourself immediately rather than continually trying to save him as it will probably be a lost cause. I tried everything - counselling - sexual games, garter belts, kindness, everything - reading books.... it won't work sweetheart - get out now!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): To the yound lady who has been married 9 months and her husband takes care of it itself.I was in your situation and dated a married man 6 months and moved in and caught him doing the same thing. They don't care how you feel.they tell you they are going to quit ,but never do.i dumped him 3 weeks before Christmas last year.The best move i ever made.Get rid of him.it will lead to him cheating on you.These types of men end up seeing prostitutes.They have no conscious.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): HiI don't know if my response will help you at all. I have been in the very very same situation. I found out after only a very long time that my husband was watching porn on the net and web camming with others. It took a lot of talking, pleading and persuading to get into a "normal" relationship again. Some times after months of no sex, I would break down and really let out my feelings. Then he maybe decide to have sex with me. This went on for many years. I also really tried to get it sorted out. We watched porn together, experimented a lot.. spoke about our fantasies etc etc. It never really got better though, as he would always fall back to choosing the porn. Now he has told me that he never goes on to porn anymore, but I know he does!(I've seen it) I don't mind a little porn watching, but not if it interferes with my sexlife all the time. Anyway things are a bit better, I get sex once in a while. My biggest problem now is that he has to watch porn in order to have sex with me and so I feel all the same feelings that you do. It is also a huge hurdle to overcome- you keep telling yourself that you are not desirable- don't fall into that trap! Anyway, what I am trying to say is.... If he won't face up to his addiction, admit it and try to control it.. then leave him, it will always be this way! But try, try and try again to get him to understand your feelings first, then you will always know you have tried to make it work!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): So what was your sex life like before you married him?? Has he always been like this?? And what was your honeymoon like?? Him looking at porn at the hotel??So let's be honest here. I will assume he has always been like this. So you probably married him hoping that things would change?? Cause people don't change just because they get married. Well possibly he may have just gotten married to you to appear normal. To keep up appearances. But obviously he is not normal. I personally think that looking at porn like that is cheating. Ugh. I would be disgusted with him if that was me. He looks at naked pics of other women all the time. And totally neglects you. I think you should leave him. In fact I know you should. But let's take this one step at a time. Obviously you don't realise how much better you can do and how much happier you could be with someone NORMAL. Cause if you did then you would have never married this guy. I mean you have tried everything. You jump his bones all the time and he has absolutely no interest in having sex with you. Girl you MUST do something about this. You cannot keep living another day of this nightmare. You may not realise it but this is slowly but surely eroding your self esteem. This is NOT NORMAL. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and stop putting your needs secondary to his comfort. LEAVE HIM. Put your needs FIRST. He sure as hell is! What are you going to do, spend the rest of your life living like this??So you made a mistake and made a bad choice in husband. BIG DEAL. We all mistakes. We are human. The important part about making mistakes is that we do something about it to better ourselves and our situation and not repeat the same mistakes again. That is what makes us stronger, better people. And the first and most important thing that you sould do right now is TELL SOMEONE you trust about what is going on. I am assuming that your friends and family don't know about this cause if they did I am sure they would not have been too supportive of this marriage. I know it is embarrassing and not something you feel proud of but DO IT. Tell someone. Because once your friends and family know what is going on they are going to give you a new perspective of your situation. They want what is BEST for you. And their advice will be in your best interest. When they find out, they are going to ingrain in your brain how unbelievably not normal this is and they will give you really good advice and really good support. And with their help they can encourage you to see for yourself that you are worth so much more and that this guy is WEIRD. Cause it is not normal at all. And the fact that you have tolerated his behavior this long makes me realise that you are having a tough time accepting the WEIRDNESS about it. Cause alot of other girls would have BAILED the second they noticed he was like this. But the fact that you have tolerated this and stuck around makes me realise that you need people to help you realise that you are in an unacceptable situation and that you are worth SO much more and should not tolerate this. So my best advice to you is TALK to someone. Friends. Family. Just do it. It will help you SO much. That's the first step. If you do that you will have won half the battle. And hopefully after that you will find the courage to LEAVE HIM.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (16 November 2007):
 Taking in consideration what you just said I am afraid that what you are dealing with is a man with an addiction. You say you’ve tried a lot of things to get his attention. The question now is how to get him to face up with his addiction, and how to get him willingly to remove it from his life.
When you are addicted to something, and this applies to drugs, drinking, smoking, gambling, video games and porn, the only absolute remedy is cutting it off cold-turkey. For this you should seek some professional help and advice…and then get him to some professional help. I don’t think you can be equipped alone to help him. It’s a touchy situation, more touchy then all other addictions, because of its personal nature.
Your relationship with him is already fragile, but it may be time you resorted to extremes to help him and if not save yourself from this troubled situation.
I noticed that no one has openly suggested separating from him. The problem with separating from him to get him away from porn is that he might resort to it more than ever in your absence. But how about this: Split with him for a short amount of time, and tell him in clear terms why you are doing it…that you want him to quit going to porn. You have to test and challenge him to not only face up to his addiction, but to make steps to remove it from his life. But by separating with him for a short period of time you will give him a direct challenge, and he will know you mean it when he sees you leave out the door with a suitcase in hand. Spend this time away with a friend or your parents (tell your parents you just want a little vacation). Come back in a week’s time, and ask him if he has gotten the message yet. If he hasn’t, be prepared to walk out again.
Ultimately this is all on him, and it’s up to him to make the change. All you can do is push him, and push him hard. Make him think about what he’s doing. This whole business can be so delicate, however, and there’s no absolute solution I can offer. In the long run the only way he may do anything about this addiction is if he completely loses you…
So I wish you well and take my first advice to seek professional help. The first thing you want to do is save your marriage. But if it’s a lost cause be prepared to make the hard decision of a complete separation and the big D word. Save yourself if you can’t save the marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): He really has a problem that needs counseling. This is not normal at all. My wife and I watch porn together sometimes and I watch by myself sometimes, but I can't remember once in our 28 years together where I chose to take care of myself if she was ready. We are over 60 and the past 3 months have been acting like we did when we first started going together in our 30s. I haven't looked at any porn for the past 3 months as she is wearing me out. I'll take that over porn any day. She even has suggested that we watch again, but I have no need when she is so passionate. We didn't fall into any sexual ruts for at least the first 6 or 7 years of our relationship, probably longer. We dated, lived together and got married. She has always been my first choice for sex. He seems to have a porn addiction. Most men have a sex addiction, but very few will take porn over a real woman.
LoveFool is right. He should be all over you and want sex more than you can handle. I was like that when I was 39. My wife is now happy that I can not handle as much :) I used to wear her out.
Another thought. Does he ever have any erectile problems. Some men start having these problems in their 20s and others have no problems in their 70s. If he has an erectile problem then that is very depressing to a man. It is also easier to get off with ones own hand then by normal intercourse. That is because there is more pressure that way. I'm not sure, but is it possible that this is the only way he gets any real feeling? If this is the case, then a medical doctor is the place to start. It may not be you or porn at all. It may be his only way to really get a good erection. You would know the answer to that, but just a thought. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI take everyone's responses into consideration but sadly most of your suggestions I have already tried..Beleive me,I have and still do try to spice things up,I put on sexy clothes for him and yes I have watched porn with him..I do try to "jump his bones" so he won't want to look at porn but most of the time I just get rejected..I want to be with my husband,very much but I want him to want to be with me.I shouldn't have to put on the calendar or ask ahead of time if we can have sex that night..I want the attention and passion that a husband should give a wife..If he was just interested half as much as he is to porn I would be content,he can spend hours on the computer but he can't seem to stay awake long enough to make love to me...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): try looking up information on porn addiction, it does alot to explain this behavior. it is a serious problem and has nothing to do with you. you cannot change him if he doesn't want to, and watching it with him or participating in this will only make it worse. there is good information on this on the web
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I would definitely talk to him about your concerns and talk about maybe spicing things up in the bedroom. Is he stressed with work? I'm just thinking he maybe genuinely tired when he goes to bed, but wakes up during the night, can't get back to sleep and doesn't want to wake you so goes so looks at porn! Just a suggestion. The biggest thing in a relationship is communication, so make sure you speak to him otherwise he may not know anything is wrong. Oh, and don't worry that he's looking at 'other women' because it's certainly not personal with them! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I think samurai ricks advice should be helpful. I mean I hope it works. I think you should try his advice. And if it doesn't work then you can come back and ask again.
Has he always been like this??? Or just since you have been married???
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A
female
reader, Love*Fool +, writes (15 November 2007):
 Say what?! You haven't even been married a year! The two of you should be all over each other still!
You need to talk to him about this right away. If for some reason you feel that you can't talk to him about it right now, try non-verbal communication!
When he gets up (I'm assuming you wake up when he gets out of bed to go get on the computer...), wait a few minutes and then go plant your scantily-clad behind right in front of that monitor. All you have to do is smile!
You didn't go into much detail about what you do to him besides "rubbing and kissing", so I'll wager a guess and say that there's a reason he watches the porn... Something IN the porn that he finds really stimulating... Which is probably something you won't/don't do to/for him. Try to find out what that is (spy on him while he's watching to porn to see what he seems most turned-on by) and keep those ideas in mind for next time you have him in bed. A bit of "dirty talk" never hurt, either.
If this type of thing doesn't work, he could very well have a porn addiction. If this is the case, encourage him to seek counseling.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (15 November 2007):
 Hi,
If he was watching just a little bit of porn and using it to spice things up I would say no problem. Hell, I do it!!
But he's not is he, he has a new wife (9 months!) who is willing to offer herself in person, so substituting this for masturbation is mind boggling.
You need to communicate with him that you dont mind if he watches a bit of porn but you feel that it has got to the stage where your own love life has disappeared.
If he is willing to talk and you are willing to maybe try some new things it might just be a case of you two spicing things up, sexy lingerie,role playing, toys etc....
Please don't get the impression that I'm saying its your fault because things arent spicy enough, your husband should be able to communicate with you and let you know if he is finding things are getting a bit stale in the bedroom. Otherwise he better come up with a decent excuse for his behaviour, because frankly speaking if he is neglecting his wife of 9 months in the bedroom then he has some issues to resolve.
good luck!
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (15 November 2007):
First off, your guy is normal. Looking at porn is okay, and for most guys it’s like watching sports. Its fun, you enjoy it a while then put it aside. While it is fun and enjoyable, it can also be addicting, and your guy’s case, it seems to be in the arena of addiction. Have you ever thought of looking at it with him? Buy or rent an xxx video and pop it in ask him to sit with you to watch it. Be with him, and take part in his sexual diversion, and stop fighting it. If your uncomfortable watching porn with him, that could be the root of the problem. Of course there’s plenty of soft porn material out there. Go pick up a book of erotic stories and read it to him. Be the object of his fantasies….go to your nearest adult nightwear shop and pick out something flimsy and sheer. Wear hoop earrings and high heals in bed. You have to do your part and distract him so he doesn’t have to resort to porn to “get off.”
A lot of women will tell you to give him an ultimatum and to fight him on this. Big mistake. He married you because he loves you. Clearly he has to find you attractive or he wouldn’t have married you. That is your advantage, and you have to use it. You are there, and you have the power to sit on his lap before he even turns on that computer. I would love for my wife to jump my bones before I even get tempted to touch a keypad.
So the key is to distract him. Cook dinner for him wearing only heels and an apron. Have you ever thought of investing in hand cuffs? There’s a lot you can do to get his attention. Be creative, be sexy and for God’s sake if you have to, just turn off the power from the breakers and find some candles.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Try to watch the porn with him and watch, you would find it iteresting for the both of you!
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