A
male
age
30-35,
*orub
writes:Hi,I've been in a long distance relationship for about 2,5 years now (we are both in our early 20s). We see each other about 2-3 times a month. Everything is great (aside from the long distance part and the fact that this won't be changing anytime soon), except for anything sexual.Unfortunately, my gf is about as prude/naive as it gets. I don't want to go into details, let's just say that I was quite shocked to discover how little she knew about "things".It took us over 2 years until we tried to have sex, due to her claiming "we aren't ready", generally being a little scared (I was her first), and me not wanting to pressure her (I can be a rather patient guy). However, even now that we've tried it, things aren't getting better; I'd even say they're getting worse.Beforehand, when we fooled around, she wouldn't actively participate. I know she's comfortable with her body (in front of me) and that she enjoys it, but she just lays there, stiff as a board. I have yet to receive any form of attention in that form.Now when actual sex got involved, things got worse. I can get her in the mood without a problem, but as soon as things are about to start, she clams up and I am left frustrated. So far, in the last 6 months, we've actually had intercourse 3 times and at none of these occasions has anyone of us achieved orgasm (in fact, she is the only one of us who has reached orgasm when we were together, since she doesn't really do much). So far it has been less than enjoyable.I've talked it over with her quite often (about her participating more, even before we had had sex), telling her exactly how I felt about these things and she agrees with me that things need to change. However, so far, nothing has.The last time we saw each other she said to me that we should maybe just forget about the sex (in the sense: not try anymore). I didn't know what to say.Now the thing is: I really love this girl. I have never met anyone I've cared about as much and she fits perfectly to me in every (nonsexual) way. But this has been frustrating me for a very, very long time (a couple years now...). I am at a loss and don't know what to do. No other girls really interest me (I mean, sure, some are physically attractive, but that's about it) and obviously cheating is out of the question. Talking with her hasn't worked (that has almost become a tradition with our visits, I mention it quite often).Any ideas on what to do? I am at a complete loss.
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female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Youwish says it all. I think you two need to have a serious talk the next time you see each other face to face. If she sees no future with you, why put in the effort? Best of luck.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 August 2011):
 I'm going to start my advice by doing a little math with you which hopefully will both make you feel a little better as will as give you some perspective on what's happening in your relationship.
You say that you've been dating for 2 1/2 years, right? You see each other 2-3 times per month, right? I'm guessing that these are weekend visits, since I'm guessing that you, she, or both of you work or have school?
So, if a weekend is 2 days, and Twice per month is 4 days per month, (we'll call it 5 for those odd months where you might spend extra time), you have 5 days times 30 months.
150 days.
This is about 5 months worth of a local relationship.
Get it? A long distance relationship should not and cannot be judged with the same timeline as a regular relationship. Add to that the fact that she is more modest with her sexuality (you were her first, right?).
You might not like this, but 99% of long distance relationships don't work UNLESS there is a very specific end to the long distance component. You said by your own words that you see no end in sight.
Sounds like you are sexually incompatible, and she is not convinced that you two will last as a couple. And, she's right. Without a plan to come together to grow your bond locally, this will be extremely difficult.
Also, keep in mind, you've had less than 6 months of actual relationship time together. She's not going to go from extremely naive to fallaciously versatile in that small of time.
I think you should end things with her unless you can make plans to be together within 1 year. This whole vague "We'll be together someday" is a bunch of crap, and I think she knows it intuitively, which is why she's having a hard time letting go.
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