A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:okay so here's my question. I've been on my relationship for nearly three years nowand let me tell you with the greatest thing that ever happened to me.but here's thing, never had sex with my girl friend.and it wasn't even her choice it was mine. don't think that I don't love my girlfriend, she's the best thing that ever happened to me. I love her smile I love her I love her little cute nose. But most of all I live who she is. And no one could ever dare to compare in my eyes. but I come to see with this problem because recently she has again offered to have sex with me. But for some reason, even know I love her so much, the idea of having sex just doesn't appeal to me in any kind of way. In the earlier stages of our relationship years ago I once offered her the chance to just have sex with someone else when ever she felt the need (yes horrible I know) I was just kidding at first but every time the chance to have sex comes up I often think back to that statement, which is odd in its own right, and I question weather I was really kidding or not? I mean logically speaking I don't see the purpose of sex? I love her to death and I show it everyday and those kinds of needs can be solved by yourself (if you understand my meaning) . I mean I handle those kind of needs by myself all the time. Which actually brings me to my next point. I can masturbatory to the sheer thought of my girlfriend alone but I don't want to have sex with her. Even though she is the most beautiful person I could ever have hoped for physically and personality wise alike! Additional information: she and I have both have well "been in multiple unpleasant situations" with family when we were younger (again if you know what I'm getting at here) This sex situation (or lack there of) has gone on for 3 years. I'm I'm scared to think it could possibly end our relationship. Or rather stop if from growingAn dictionary question for the ladies of the bunch: this will help me out more than you think so please try and answer. But you don't have to-what drives you to have sex with your partner? I mean if anything you guys are getting the short end of the stick here! Like someone begging to get punched. Thanks in advance guys and girls. If you could answer this that'd be great! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Hey there.
I believe I'm understanding what you mean when you say "'been in multiple unpleasant situations' with family when we were younger." I'm sorry you had those types of experiences. It's truly unfair. This makes perfect sense why you have such a negative view of sex. The thing is, sex can be a wonderful bonding experience. Not all sex or physical touch is bad or hurtful. It can be a way to bring people closer together.
You ask "what drives you to have sex with your partner?" For me, it's two things. 1.) The desire for that intimate closeness that brings you two together in a way that you can't experience any other way; and 2.) The sexual urge and impulse I get. Just kissing my partner, I get turned on and simply desire it. Your body just physiologically responds to the person and you just feel that you want that.
I'm so sorry to hear about the things that have occurred. If you are open to suggestion and you consider it, have you thought about the idea of counseling? I think anyone who has suffered those types of experiences will benefit from therapy. As I said, not all sex or intimate touch is bad. It can be truly amazing under the right circumstances. I wish you well.
Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): When it's with someone you love it's not just sex but also making love, showing your love for them in the most intimate way possible. Sex is NOTHING like masturbation. I suggest try having sex at least once and AFTER see what you think about it. You can't tell how you would like something if you never tried it. Like when i was a kid i never wanted to go on a roller coaster ride and even thought i wouldn't like it but i tried it anyways and I found out it was really fun and I loved it. I think if you can't even bring your self to try to have sex with her to then decide your feeling on it after it happened, then you should get professional help like a therapist for it. Most relationships won't work out if one never wants sex because the other partner will want that kind of closeness. So really consider a therapist to help you move the relationship to the next level if you cant on your own and it's okay if you can't and it's okay if you need help. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Sex with a partner is another layer of intimacy. You can't get much closer to a partner then sex. There is lust (which you CLEARLY feel for your partner) but for most others the skin/skin contact, the euphoria of pleasure, exploration, and basically bearing it all in front of your partner is what drive many people. Knowing what gives your partner the goosebumps, what little touch or gesture can make them WANT you.
If you do not want sex with her, I think you need to be VERY honest about it. WITH HER. I agree that it's NOT fair to not let her know and NOT let her choose, to stay (and get no sex) or leave and find someone who will love her heart, body and soul.
And you keep writing... if you get my meaning.. no you need to spell it out. WE don't know YOU, or your history.
If you are hinting at being abused as children (both of you) then I HOPE for both your sakes that you get some kind of counseling.
As for "us ladies" getting the short end of the stick? Are you kidding? A good LOVER can give a woman multiple orgasms, where as a guy gets one.. at a time. Woman can walk around fully aroused with a lady-boner and no-one is the wiser (how is that not great?) We have at least as many erogenous zones, if not more than men. We are QUITE capable (in general) of getting ourselves off.
I don't think you are asexual, because you obviously like sexual gratification (with your self at least) so I can only conclude that you have some other fear or aversion against sex that you haven't really explained.
Now if you were abused I understand the lack of interest in the sex act, and if she was too maybe this is why she had taken THIS long to suggest you two have sex. For her, maybe she doesn't want it either but presumes YOU (because you are male) do.
TALK to her.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 "-what drives you to have sex with your partner? I mean if anything you guys are getting the short end of the stick here! Like someone begging to get punched. "
What do you mean? You're not seriously suggesting that women are getting the short end of the stick by having sex, are you?
And no, I don't follow what you mean by unpleasant events as a child. Were you sexually abused? In that case, you should see a therapist and talk about it, because clearly it is becoming a problem for you, making it impossible for you to have a functioning adult relationship. You need to address that issue with a therapist and work through it. Bad experiences, incest, sexual abused, can not be silenced to death, it must be spoken to death.
You need to talk to your girlfriend about you not wanting sex. It doesn't sound like you've had that talk with her, and she still thinks she'll just have to be patient and wait. Yet you don't plan on ever having sex, it doesn't appeal to you. So maybe you're asexual. Could be. But regardless of labels, you don't want sex, ever, and you need to tell her that.
It is possible you will have to let her go, because people in an adult relationship have sex. Maybe you will have to find a girl who, like you, doesn't want sex, or doesn't like sex. But your current girlfriend wants it, and it isn't fair to leave her waiting when you never plan to have sex with her at all. You need to be honest with her about this.
As for what drives a person to have sex? Generally it comes from lust and desire. A feeling of wanting to be intimate. A good feeling when you are intimate. Not just physically, but also emotionally, cuddling and intimacy generates good feelings. People in general like to feel good, and intimacy makes them feel good. So they seek it.
...............................
|
