A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting married soon. I love my fiance. We've been together since high school and have lived together for the past few years. A week before he proposed, I had started to be thinking about other men. I was so shocked when he proposed I got excited and said yes. Here I am a year later and now I want to run off with a man who has been my best friend for over two years. Some people say "Happiness is being married to your best friend." As I said, I love my fiance, but he's not my best friend. What do I do?? I've had several episodes of cold feet and nobody seems to understand what this truely is about and I'm terrifed to let them really know what's going on. What do I do? I almost feel in love with both men.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): Hi,
There is a saying "You can not ride two boats at one time, because when they drift you will fall into the water". Most likely you will end up hurting your best friend, as you have been with your boyfriend for a long time and eventually you will get married to your boyfriend. If you are leading your best friend on then please stop doing it immediately, because he will get very hurt without fault of his own and you may loose your best friend, remember true friends are rare in this world. You know good and bad qualities of your bf and your best friend, if you can love anyone by accepting their faults then you will find happiness.
Some days back, I did a horrible thing, I told my feelings to my best friend who is engaged to be married in some 8 months. I have been always there for her when she needed me (taking care of her pets when she visits her family, been there when she was sick, helped her whenever she asked me even if I am very busy I have always been there for her). I have always liked her, I felt she also liked me, I never did anything (until recently by revealing my feelings) because she is always with her boyfriend. She has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 5-6 years (lived together of 3 years), she and her boyfriend may have been drifting apart, and she may have started to lead me on, last year in a restaurant, our group of friends went for a dinner, some friends asked her boyfriend about his marriage plans as he is working, his response was not affirmative sort, then she said that if her boyfriend will not marry her, then she will marry me (she said this in front of all the friends, she jokes a lot, but i took it seriously as her boyfriend looked at me angrily), sometime after this, she told me that she saw me in her dreams, one day she invited me to watch movie, I went to movie theater and bought 3 tickets (me, her and her bf), she comes without her bf, I asked where is he, she sounded sad and told me not to ask her about him, after a minute, she said he has gone to some party in Newport beach, and I should treat this as a date (I don't know whether she was serious or not), she gave me lot of hints like this. Her boyfriend proposed her with a ring withing 20 days of the movie date. She said yes. By this time I had fallen in love with her, I love her very much, I want her to be happy always, and I am happy that she is getting what she wanted from her boyfriend. I feel that her boyfriend did not want to marry her initially, but he got jealous of me and he proposed, if he wanted to marry her he would have done it without her making him jealous. I have always treated her as my best friend, and even if she subconsciously use me I have forgiven her, she is the only person who inspired me to loose 45 pounds of weight, I did it and I respect her very much. My heart says that he is not good for her, I am not saying this because I love her, I am saying this because I have heard things about her bf from her like, last year she was saying that she feels that they have fallen out of love, sometimes when he gets drunk he becomes nasty (I don't know whether he is abusive or not), I have seen him yelling at her for silly reasons, both have controlling personalities (but he is more controlling), she feels uncomfortable when he drives as he curses people, when she goes for shopping with him, he makes her feel bad, when she fell from mountain bike and got bruised he did not show any empathy and sympathy, she was sick and she cooked dinner and when she asked him to do the dishes he did not wash, then she had to wash...and some minor things about sharing stuff...may be these things are minor for her and may be she thinks after marriage he will change, only future knows. But I respect her decision, I just wanted to share my true and deep feeling for her with her, I think I did not want to regret about my feelings for my whole life, that is why I told her. I just expect a good friendship with her, since the day I told my feelings she has become distant, now her attitude has become cold towards me, she used to include me in her lunch, movie, etc plans, now she tries to avoids me, and she has become close to some friends who are jealous of her and who says thing behind her back, I always tried to defend her when people used to say behind her back. I just wish for things to get normal between me and her, sometimes I feel she hates me. Please tell me as you are engaged, have I done a horrible thing by revealing my true feelings to her? What should I do to make things normal?
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (6 March 2010):
 First off, I think you should postpone the wedding. It may be difficult, but you owe it to your fiance and yourself to not get married unless you truly feel he is the One. Better to put it off and sort out your feelings than spend time in a marriage you aren't committed to.
Secondly, you need to talk to your fiance. It sounds like you aren't fully committed to marrying him right now, especially since you're thinking about running off with someone else. Are you sure getting married is what you want, or were you caught up in the moment? I suggest you meditate on that question for a while and see what comes to mind, and then take that into the long talk with your fiance.
Third, please consider that friends don't always make the best romantic partners, and vice versa. Yes, the man is your best friend. That doesn't necessarily mean that he will be the best husband for you. When people talk about being married to their best friend, they are generally talking about the closeness that develops between two married people, not turning a friendship romantic. The qualities you admire in your friend may not be the ones you need in a husband. Plenty of people have both a husband and a best friend. They don't have to be the same person.
I think that what you need most now is some time alone to figure out what you want and need. Consider the feelings of both men and take time to make the best decision.
Good luck.
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