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male
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anonymous
writes: Me and my girlfriend of the past 4 and a half years have been having some issues lately. We were to have gotten married in may 2007, but we gotten into several arguments the past several weeks about buying my moms house. Her and my mother have had some rocky times, so after their last argument she decided she didn't want to live there because we were getting the house very cheaply, and she was afraid we would get no privacy. My hangup was that I was to emotionally attached to the house and that I thought we should take the deal and work something out. We had finished our final marriage class on a Friday night when I had decided that we should just move out somewhere else, but one week later my feelings went back and we had gotten into a huge argument, and she gave the engagement ring back around midnight and broke off the relationship, which was 2 weeks ago. The first week apart I had done alot of soul searching and discovered several other hangups that had nothing to do with her, that i am taking care of now. All that week I kept apologizing and talking things out, and she would talk things out with me saying she feels good to be independent and making choices for herself. But as the week progressed she started to feel lonely and started to crave a relationship again, so I tried to get a second chance and she kept saying she had so many different feelings and she didn't know what to do, and that she was over all the arguing and such but she wanted someone but didn't know who. But this past Sunday I had called to tell her I would leave her alone and start her life over figuring she would be ok with it, when we started talking things out again and we decided to give it a second chance. Since then all this week she has been wrestling with her emotions, saying she has feelings for me but at the same time she cannot return the love I give her, and last night was the first time we seen each other. I was about to leave for work when she came to me and we started kissing, I could tell she was searching for something, and she told me that she felt really good, and that she could feel the love i was giving her. It made her feel good when we were close, but after I had pulled away when we finished she said it felt like she didn't want to be near me anymore. She says she doesn't really have any idea if she wants to see anyone else, she says she hasn't seen anyone that has caught her eye, and all of the confusion is strting to affect me, it feels like I have all this love to give but I don't know to who. We have a dinner date set for tommorow which will be the first time we've been out together since almost 3 weeks ago on our final wedding class.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the original poster again, we've decided to take a "break" and I don't know how long it will last or if she actually will see other people. I told her we could talk to the pastor and get things sorted out but she felt that some of the things to talk about would make the hole discussion irrelevant(sex). Have i agreed on the right thing? Should I try to re convince her to see a couples therapist? 4 and a half years and now it seems like everything is falling apart because of a simple argument over a house. We talked on the phone last night and we both agreed that we didn't want to leave each other but at the same time she is still confused, and now I can feel myself slipping into another deep depression.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone for such good replies. I just met with her tonight and she was basically the same way since day 1 of the breakup, she wants to be single for awhile without contact. She told me that she enjoyed our time but at the same time wondered what it would be like to have another guy and other sexual experiences. It's pretty hard right now I'm trying to give 100% but she wants to move on yet doesn't want to lose her best friend and lover, and I don't want to lose her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006):
I think it is a power struggle between your gf and your mother. The house is part of it.
Take a break from her. Buy the house. Once the decision is over, I think she will be much easier to deal with.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 November 2006):
 It sounds like it's more than the house. To be blunt, she's talking about not being able to return your love. That sounds more like she's looking for a way out. I mean in relationships it's not usually all or nothing. If this is all it takes to throw you two off course it's probably better you don't marry yet. I'd bet there's more to it and she's afraid to tell you as your feelings might be hurt.
I could be wrong but one thing is for sure, it's better to solve this now than later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): I would like to help you, but your question is rather meandering and I don't know what is really going on here...it sounds to me like she still loves you and you have issues to work out over the house and how the two of you will handle money....I think it would be wise to go back to your place of worship or your marriage class and ask if you can sit down with a someone who is qualified to counsel you and teach the two of you how to handle conflict in a more constructive way.
If your fiance is confused, it is better to postpone any wedding plans until you can both feel confident that you want to be married and have a life together with all that implies...Just talk to her at dinner and tell her how you feel about her, and suggest you two seek some counseling even with a marriage counselor or therapist.
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